04.07.06
Bald and Nameless
So far the responses have gone from being a fabulous conversation piece to people trying hard not to make eye contact. There’ve been a few triple takes and one or two people staring, but honestly, the majority of people want to start chatting right away. There is no shortage of bald jokes coming at me. Strange how people can joke about baldness, normally a very sensitive topic to a lot of people, to me, a woman. Quite frankly, it’s fascinating.
One of the guys I work with brings it up every time he passes through the room. Asking last night if my father knew I shaved my head. I replied that my dad was still perhaps a little sore with me over the fact that I dropped my maiden name at court last month. So legally, I have no last name.
He looked horrified.
I said, “So perhaps I’ll wait to drop the shaved-my-head-bomb.”
“What are you doing to your poor father?” he asked. “You’re probably driving him crazy.”
I’m not sure if he was teasing me, or maybe a little terrified at the possibility that his three young daughters will grow up to devastate him with shaved heads, tattoos and the trashing of maiden names, but I replied with a very un-ladylike snort. “I’m a daddy’s girl. It’s in my contract.”
I love you Dad. By the way, now that I’m bald, I see more of the family resemblance. I can also see now, what you mean when you say you can’t think cuz your brain is cold. I hereby apologize for any unflattering comparisons I’ve ever made between your bald head and primates. I also apologize for all the comments about sun glare, shine, or generalizations of any uncharitable sort pertaining to your age and lack of hair. I love you Dad. Last name or not, I’m still your little girl, and you’re still my Father.
Funny, as I sit here writing this the guy from my office came back in to chat. I said I was writing a letter to my dad. And he said, “The worst thing you could have done to him is drop your name.”
I can’t explain why, but this was a gut punch. I have no desire to hurt my dad. He went on to explain “as a father” that my dad would have been hurt because my name shows I belong to someone.
“But I don’t belong to anyone. I’m almost 30. I belong to myself.”
“Of course, but as a father you think, “If you’re not going to have someone else’s name, keep mine.””
“Is it a protective thing?” I asked. “Like an umbrella, a name?”
“Yes, and no. I’m just saying as a father.”
“I appreciate that. It’s good to know.”
While the conversation was much longer and filled with a couple of emotional moments, I can’t help but wonder if my decision to find my own place in this world, and my own name… has more of an emotional backlash for my family than I first thought. And believe me, I thought a lot before I made the decision.
If you’re reading this and have an opinion or a comment on the matter, I would dearly love to know. I’d like to hear the woman’s perspective and the man’s perspective so please feel free to leave a comment on what you would do if your daughter were to drop her maiden name.
Michael in Portland, Oregon said,
April 7, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Screw him, Kiddo! (Well, you know what I mean).
It’s your journey. And what is in a name? If it has honor–from history or whatever stories are told–is that honor you earned? And if it’s one with a “scarlet mark”, so to speak, is that your mark to carry, too?
Sure, names can carry weight in some instances. Are those the instances, or places, where real people–true people–want that kind of recognition and measurement?
You, your real essence, and the acts you commit, are your label. Sure; if you told me tomorrow that you were observing the moon, and just now decided that your name is to be “Moonbeam”, henceforth, I’d think you’d gone daft. But I’d consider that essence of you still there.
Take your journey and follow your own instincts. As one (ironically with the same last name as I) once said: “Never explain. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.” Cheers, Michael
Kungfukitten said,
April 7, 2006 at 6:01 pm
First of all, I thought you were joking about the bald thing - I thought you just went really really short! I want to see how you look, e-mail me a picture. I bet you’re gorgeous, you can pull off any look.
As far as names go, don’t some women give up their last names when they marry? I don’t see what the big deal is. I have lots of names. Hey, you. Bitchhead. Dumbshit. You get the idea.
Well, I’m excited to see what you do next! Let’s have drinks before you leave town, k?
Jeffy said,
April 7, 2006 at 11:11 pm
I was actually surprised when sara took my last name, but she wanted to. Seemed like a big hassle to me, changing all those ids and cards and whatnot. But it meant something to her, despite the fact she didnt think she ever wanted to.
Now having no last name at all? You should just change it to something fun, like FAHQ, or HOTNESS. Athena Hotness, now wouldnt that be fun to sign?
ME said,
April 8, 2006 at 11:33 am
I love you no matter what name you chose or don’t chose, how much hair you have or dont’ have, no explanation needed. None of it matters, at least it shouldn’t to anyone that matters.
This is a superior example of not sweating the small stuff, being happy with your decisions because they are your decisions to be happy about.
Sondra said,
April 13, 2006 at 7:24 pm
So you kept the name Pops Intentionally chose for you…I would bet on him understanding. I also think it’s good for us all to roast on the crucible of life sometimes, and no one is ever the same afterwards….
Just as long as I don’t have to start calling you “The Artist Formerly known as Athena” : )
Administrator said,
April 14, 2006 at 7:57 am
I dunno – I think “the artist formerly known as Athena” has a nice ring to it. Then again, so does Athena Hotness.
I’ll try them both out in the bedroom and get back to you.
Tiranee said,
April 18, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Hey sis,
You know I support you so who else matters???! jk
My opinion is that you and Phae and I are in a position to create our own legacy since there is not much left of the one we were born into. Afterall that is what a sir name used to be all about…..the legacy. So rock on.
BTW, I love this web site. I actually really like your new GI Jane look. I like all the pics you have posted. Especially the hot guys is dresses.
Luv ya
D-
Administrator said,
April 18, 2006 at 3:39 pm
Thanks for the post, D. It means a lot to me.
I’m really loving the GI Jane look. I can’t figure out why I didn’t melt all my hair off sooner.
Thank you also for the support. I think you’re right. We’re in a place where we can make our own legacy. Here’s to new beginnings!
Love ya sis.
Phaedra said,
April 28, 2006 at 9:36 am
My sister……The goddess ATHENA
I LOVE your web site. I love your courage, your boldness(and baldness),I love your Spunk and your generous love and wisdom. You are beautiful and powerful, and that is to be honored that is your gift to grab ahold of without fear and put your mark on the world the way only ATHENA can. I think the name ATHENA is far more powerful than any last name you could have, and just as D said, we are in a position to create our own legacy and that is a magical thing a magical time for you for us.I am beyond proud of you, you are an extraordinary woman. “CARPE DIEM”…….Love, Phaedra
Mona said,
April 30, 2006 at 10:00 pm
Ok, I didn’t read any of the other comments before writing this one, so forgive me if anything I say is redundant. I think I have a rather unusual view on last names. I am on my third so far. I was born with my fathers, but used that and my mothers (the one she took for herself in her 20’s) interchangeably until they divorced and I was asked to “choose.” I went with my mothers but to tell the truth it felt … disconnected. Just a made up name. I surprised myself by taking Tim’s last name (his second, he abandoned his fathers name and took his maternal grandfathers) when we got married. Now I finally feel like I have a family name. Not a last name, a family name. The name of my husband, the name of my children. Now it feels connected. Maybe that is what your co-worker was trying to say. That be dropping that name you were disconnecting from your family. But, your name is for you. When you find the right one you will know. You will feel it. It might not be glamorous (hey, mine is now the same as a brand of underpants) but it will be you.
Love,
Mona
The Bliss Quest » Dream Timer said,
March 30, 2007 at 10:52 am
[…] And Dom, for your reference here are the links about my mononame status – here and here. […]