05.27.06
In dreams…
I’m on my own for a couple days. I decided that since I had nowhere to be and no one to hang with, I’d take the day off. I took myself to the movies. First I watched Poseidon and then bought a drink and went to X-Men 3.
I came home to the cats, George and Iggy and had a plate of nachos and leftover chili.
Yeah. You go girl! A Saturday night, single and in Seattle and you spend it with someone else’s cats and a bowl of beans that makes you bloat. Yay!
The part that sucks is, I really preferred that scenario to going out on the town. How tragic is it that – this is the way I really wanted to spend my day?
Now I’m spending the evening exactly the way I want… I’m sitting in my shirt that says, “I love Nerds”, my pink granny panties (the ones with the hole) writing on my blog. The house is dark and I have the window open so I can listen to the rain pouring down on suburbia. In the distance I can hear the frogs down at the pond.
This is beautiful.
This is exactly what I need. Time, space and my own rhythm to set things back to some sort of order in my soul.
There’s only one thing that’s messing with my equation. One glitch in my plan for getting my head back in the groove.
SEX.
With a man to be more specific. Maybe sex isn’t really the glitch – maybe it’s just a man in general. I’m craving a man so bad that this evening when I climbed into bed with my laptop I could almost smell him sleeping next to me. It caught me totally by surprise.
I’m sure it didn’t help to go watch movies back to back with hotties such as Josh Lucas and Hugh Jackman. Torturing myself with that kind of meat feast and then returning home to cats, chili and a laptop is bound to do some funky things to your imagination. However, I also suspect it has more than a little to do with the fact that my world is a freakishly unstable these days and while I have NO desire to throw my ass in that particular ring – I am a woman. And that tends to gum up the independence works when you realize… it’s been a long time since I’ve had a warm body sharing space in my bed.
In the morning I’m going to get back to being an independent-single-and-loving-it adventurer here to research my book. I’m going to get up, go to the coffee shop down the street and wink at the cute barista but avoid conversation just like I have for the last three days. Then I’m going on a tour in the afternoon, hopefully to make some interview contacts.
But before morning, before I go back to being emotionally distant, before I hide from the idea of sharing my life again – I’m going to fantasize a little. Tonight, after I shut the lid of my laptop and snuggle into the quilts I will push my cold feet under the covers and stick them on William’s warm leg.
When he jumps awake sitting up partially on one elbow he’ll see me, and sleep will be forgotten for a moment, and he’ll smile, still groggy. “You done writing?” He’ll ask.
I’ll nod, innocently as if I didn’t intend to wake him for selfish reasons. “Listen,” I’ll say. “It’s raining harder. You can hear the downpour in the evergreens, and the frogs are starting to sing.”
“Hmm.” He’ll agree and pull my slightly chilled body next to his. Wrapping an arm around me he’ll tuck the covers around us both and I’ll spoon my hips into his belly before resting my head on his left arm. I’ll feel his heat radiate along my back, smell the musky scent of him, a seductive combination of sea, saddle leather and Scotch. I’ll close my eyes and listen to the rhythm of his pulse beneath my head as it pounds through his veins. I’ll take time to enjoy it, his breath on my neck, and his still groggy voice, raspy with sleep as he recounts – disjointedly, a story of his childhood where frogs are magic and full of mischief. The fond tone and deep resonance of his voice will charm me and his youthful days of troublemaking will endear him a little more to my heart. He’ll fall back to sleep – perhaps to dream of Red Ryder wagons and days gone by. I’ll snuggle against him and wait until his body heat adjusts and his pulse slows, then slowly, softly at first I will move against him, I will wake him again with more pleasure than before.
And in the morning – I will by myself again.
