05.25.06

Keeping on…

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:56 am by Athena

Yesterday I woke up with tons of enthusiasm.  Went and got a coffee with Jeffy.  And after blogging I set out on the town to hit the library and a scheduled tour of the haunted places of Seattle. 

My moods are as shifty as the weather here it seems, because as I stood at the Seattle public Library, the rain hammered down in sheets on the glass ceiling of downtown. An hour later I was driving to St. James Cathedral and it was sunny skies and beautiful wispy clouds.

I was supposed to meet my tour guide at 5:45 near 1010 Valley St.  I left downtown for what should have been a 15 minute drive to Capital Hill at 4:30.  To say I got lost would be an understatement of epic proportions.  At 5:45 I called the lady for help but I evidently only had her land line.  Finally, at 5:50 I saw an exit for I-5 and took it.  I drove back to Jeffy’s house crying all the way.  They guide called my cell as I was near the house, but because I was crying like a freaking idiot I didn’t hear it. 

All the way out of town I convinced myself everyone who said I couldn’t do this was right.  I told myself I should have listened and that I was a fool for thinking I could take such a gigantic leap.  On the exit ramp to Sammamish I suddenly asked myself – WHO said I couldn’t do it? Who are all these everyone’s?

Immediately I stopped crying.  One person. Only one person out of the dozens who encouraged me.  Dozens of people with well wishes and encouragement – And I let the ONE voice of opposition turn into a crowd.

One.

It was funny actually.  I was so caught up in the fear, and disappointment in myself for not being able to find one simple destination in Seattle on time – that that one negative voice merged with my inner saboteur and multiplied in my brain like rabid fucking bunnies.  

I got back to the house and as soon as Jeffy asked why I was crying I started bawling all over again.  The thing about Jeffy that I adored in High School was that even when I’m a mess, he grounds confusion like a lightning rod with his calm.  Some would say he’s aloof, or unemotional, but really I think he’s just good at channeling other people’s hysteria.  He’s also pretty good at causing hysteria, but that’s another story.  Anyway, after talking about it for a bit I felt better.  I also needed time to understand what I’d discovered in the car about my ability to turn one negative voice into a hundred.  I’m sure that’s something that’s going to take time for me to absorb as it has some pretty unflattering implications as to my ability to let fear control me.

Jeffy asked a very profound question.  “What the worst thing that could happen? And don’t say flat broke and stranded somewhere because no one would ever let that happen.”

If that scenario were off the table, then I didn’t need to think about it – I answered right away, “The worst thing that could happen right now is that I give up, marry and move out to the woods to be lonely and unfulfilled again.  That’s the worst thing that could happen to me.”

“Then don’t give up,” he said. “Keep going.”

So yet again.  I find myself childlike.  Awed by the simplicity by which others can see through the confusion I’m mixed in, and give guidance with an offhanded remark that slices through the fog to let in a moment of light.

I confess I had thought about coming back, packing up Freya and going back to Portland to look for work, resettle and chalk this up to a big mistake. I also confess a desire to run away, and it’s only been a week.

But if I give up now, because things are uncomfortable, weird and difficult – I’ll never reach Ithaca.

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