06.30.06
Sniffing Paint Memories
Last night as I walked into the bathroom at Bethany Village Grill, I smelled something that made me smile. No - not gross. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, like I smelled something that made me feel relaxed, safe and a little nostalgic. Then it hit me.
The bathroom had recently been repainted with the same latex based interior house paint from Home Depot that Reggie and I used when we bought our first house together.
I immediately felt a little queasy. How could that smell have made me feel relaxed and safe?
Then I leaned against the sink and stared at the peach colored walls and searched for the memory trigger. The memories triggered by the smell were tangled together, some smoky and others vivid as a stained glass mural. That paint is the smell of promise. It’s the scent of heated fights over color combinations and hues. It’s the smell of late night conversations on the air mattress in our new home, perhaps a little stoned from breathing paint fumes all day, but long winded talks about all the things we wanted to do in our new place. It’s the smell of lazy contentment as we grew into our new life stage.
It smelled like a home I no longer have.
On the way back from the gig, I blasted Evanescence in the jeep and drove over all the bridges singing to the thumbnail moon and crying.
This morning I started my period. This explains the desperate chocolate cravings from yesterday, but also a little of the emotional whiplash from the latex paint smell. However, I won’t delude myself into thinking my period was the only thing responsible for my meltdown. Letting go is a process. It’s been a little over a year since I got kicked out, and only a few months since the divorce finalized.
I often completely forget about him. I even asked, “Reggie who?” once. So when I consciously think about that stage of my life (almost nine years) I think, “Well, I haven’t thought about it for a while – therefore I must be over it.”
This is not the case. Especially when you’re cleansing your body (I’m doing a sugar, dairy, and gluten cleanse) your body purges toxins and in the process, your spirit purges also. I loved him long enough for his essence to get into me on a cellular level. Often, when I break a heavy sweat, I think of him. So it only makes sense that as the letting go process continues, pieces of my old life will resurface like a bubble to the top of a pond. It needs to surface and pop, so I can move on.
Today I went downtown to meet him. He brought me a check and a bag of home videos I hadn’t been able to find. We chatted. How are you? Fine. Whatcha been up to? Etc.
I was surprised by the sense of relief when I got in my car and drove away. Perhaps it’s because I had a good cry over the paint last night, and I felt more stable this morning, but as I left one thought kept looping in my brain, “I dodged a bullet. I dodged a bullet. I dodged a bullet.” I had a sort of giddy lightness that happens when you’ve just escaped death and think that you’re the luckiest freakin person in the world.
That being said. Letting go of all the pieces may take months or even years, but the thing that’s surprising me the most is that I have no resentment toward him. In fact I often oscillate between grief and profound gratitude. I feel sometimes, that him falling out of love with me, may very well have saved my life.
My journey is shaping up to be exactly what I needed. The rhythm of the road seems to shimmy old sludge from the bottom of my soul so I can scoop it off the top and throw it away. I feel cleaner inside, emotionally – mentally – spiritually. I don’t remember having this kind of clarity. It’s like the necessary baggage is being organized, the unnecessary is being discarded and all this new space has opened up for me to utilize as I need. Room for love. Room for adventure. Room for growth. I’m sure some days will be better than others. I’m sure there will occasionally be a trigger that shorts me out, but it’s getting easier to pull myself back together and each time I do, I feel like I’ve given up a handicap point so I can play the game with more of my true power.
