08.30.06
Testing the Waters
I’ve needed to clarify a few things in my head lately about dating. Earlier this month I posted a personals ad on Craigslist. I had been particularly lonely, overworked and yes, horny. Mostly I think I was craving human conversation and social interaction with a heavy dose of the male essence.
I’d hoped for the sake of my oh-so-delicate ego that I would get at least two replies. I wanted to know what sort of men were on Craigslist, and what sort of men could be found in the Seattle area. I developed an ad that I thought represented me and also explained my deadline and the fact I likely wouldn’t be able to do anything till after the 15th because I was busy with work. After completing the ad I left it for a day while I thought about the possibilities and the wisdom of meeting strangers online. Finally, after reminding myself I didn’t actually have to meet anyone – I posted the advertisement and my picture.
I received 117 replies and one marriage proposal.
I can honestly say I didn’t see that one coming. Of all the replies, only perhaps a handful acknowledged my instructions that I wouldn’t be available till after the 15th, and of the handful only a couple responded with just enough humor and lightheartedness to pique my curiosity. Clearly, when entering into the online dating scene taking oneself with a healthy helping of humor is a must.
While hesitating to call it dating I did reply to a couple of the guys I thought I’d like and despite my tight deadline, I met with one of them on a whim – totally spur of the moment- fly by the seat of our pants kind of date to Murphy’s on 45th. Let’s call him Capt. Jack.
Three hours passed in a blink of enjoyable conversation, coffee and laughter. He was hot, funny and very likable and to my pleasure & sister’s chagrin – much older than me. Anyway, as he walked me home I became nervous, as anyone would assume there is awkwardness to first meeting goodbyes. He’d had a few drinks and I was relaxed and a long –lingering hug was not – to my utter surprise – it was not uncomfortable.
Capt. Jack asked to see me again, and I was quite happy to agree. He left and this is where things go suddenly awry.
After my head cleared I became terrified of seeing him again. In fact, I became terrified of seeing ANYONE at all. I just wanted to curl back in to the safety of friends and those known to me and stop the boat from swaying. Capt. Jack offered to fix dinner and let me work on my book in his living room. But I didn’t want to be alone in his house with him. He sent several emails(which I enjoyed), and even a phone call far too early on a Saturday morning and while these are not hang worthy offenses – the fact that I used them as such to justify my excuses of why I wouldn’t return his emails (on top of being slammed with writing) – these simple reactions have led me to a sad conclusion.
I’m not ready to be back in the game. I’m not ready to open myself and share my vulnerability or expose myself. I don’t want to fall back on the “I’ve been hurt too bad” bullshit routine, but I’m not unaware of the reality that being deeply hurt requires time to heal so you don’t hurt yourself again – or worse – hurt someone else in the process of trying to fix yourself.
A date for coffee and conversation is by no means a life commitment or even a relationship – but it is an opening for a second date, or something of that nature and currently while I feel the loneliness and the yearning for the opposite sex – conversation, energy and benefits – I know myself. I know myself well enough to know, I’m simply not ready for a second date with anyone.
My acupuncturist told me once that my heart meridian was not open, that I was in danger of loving too little. I looked up at her from my position on the table and said, “I’ve closed it down for repairs. I have utter confidence in my ability to love. I’ve never had trouble with loving too little – my real danger is in loving too much.”
A second date is not love, but I also have to factor in that my feelings are not the only ones involved. Thus I’ve pulled back from everything. The title of my ad was Testing the Waters. That’s exactly what I did, and what I found was that the water is too deep for me to safely swim just yet.
I’ve left the rest of my 117 replies and my one marriage proposal unanswered, and made myself a promise.
When I said to Reggie that the only regret I’d have would be to have lived a life without loving and being loved in return – I really meant it. It’s the only thing I know I can give and hope to receive that makes all other calculations of wealth, glory and adventure pale by comparison.
I promised myself I will love again – truly, madly, deeply and with such ridiculousness that it will surprise me. I promised myself that I’ll be startled by my own capacity to give it and my astonished by my openness to receive it. This will be a gift, one key piece to the puzzle of Bliss.
I won’t see it coming. I won’t plan for it or schedule it, and it will have to hit me head on at full throttle so I don’t have time to analyze it. Because for those of you who know me, I could likely talk myself in to or out of the existence of air. Anyway, the point is this…
I’m not one of those, bitter and will never love again types. No, I’m the opposite. A hopeless romantic with a somewhat naive sense of optimism and that’s exactly the way I like me. Because the day I don’t believe in love I may as well be dead.
But to love well, and give of myself I need to be as whole as I can be. I need to finish storing my baggage, learn to pull my own emotional weight so others wont try to do it for me, and find my path to adventure so the right someone will want to run parallel rather than pull me in their direction.
Yes, it’s just a date. It’s just dinner and a movie – it’s not planning parenthood. But who in their right mind would want to go out to dinner with someone who wasn’t at least aware and ready to some degree to consider a second night out if all goes well? Even if it’s just to be friends? Who would want to be with someone not ready in their own mind, to see the extended possibilities?
Until I have a better grip on this, I don’t want to get back in the game… otherwise I’m not fully there. I’m not present in all my parts and giving of my complete self. I don’t want to be liked when I’m not at my best in strength, or asked out for a second date when I know my own personal bar is not quite to a comfortable position, because it is my experience that the dynamic you develop upon the first few meetings, generally tends to be the prominent dynamic that sustains any relationship.
So, I will continue to work on myself and when the time is right I’ll test the water again. Or when my subconscious deems me ready, it will send out the signal to the Universe that I’ve hit my stride and unbeknownst to me – a head on collision of smutt-tacular romantic proportions will be set into play.
