The season premiere of Supernatural left me depressed, and a little worried about the future of the show.  Not because I am disappointed with the way it ended, because I’m sure everyone and their dog saw that conclusion, but I’m concerned about the level of writing and the subtle differences in the production as well as the characters. 

Anyway, my niece and I came home from watching the show at Admiral Fubar’s dorm and both of us were somber.

As I we talked to D about scary movies and the show she asked me “What’s the name of that movie with the werewolves and Corey Feldman?  I think I should show the girls that movie so they can see what used to scare me when I was little.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “But watching it now after 15 years – it’s not so scary.”

“I know, I used to tell them ‘this is the movie that scared me so bad I slept with my gun’, then they’ll watch it and ask ‘Mom? When’s it supposed to get scary?”

We laughed and then she asked, “What movie scared you to death?”

Perhaps it was because I was down about the show, but I was feeling particularly truthsome and admitted, “Dark Crystal scared me so bad I peed myself on the steps of the basement because I was too scared to go to the bathroom by myself.”

Utter silence.

Then, “Isn’t that the one…”

“Yes.” I added. “It’s the movie made with puppets.  The puppet movie scared the piss out of me.”

Tia-Bobia and D started laughing so hard neither of them could speak for an uncomfortably long time. Finally, D added between gasps, “I wouldn’t ever admit that if I were you…”

Yet here I am.  God Bless the internet.

What movie, story, or show scared you the most?

I’ve had an epiphany.   It should have been glaringly obvious I think but as with most revelations – the ones closest to you are the slowest to dawn.  People all around you can see it, and people you love shake their heads with wonderment that you can’t recognize what’s right in front of you, but there it is.

I think when we are children, unclouded by the ideas or disappointments or even the well intended but harmful guidance of our elders, there is a clarity of desire for what we want for ourselves.  Before the “you can’t do that” or the “be more realistic” there is an unabashed happiness or joy in plotting our future.  I wanted to be an actress.  I wanted to be a writer.  I just wanted to tell stories – good ones.

During the BlissQuest I’ve realized something disturbing.  I’ve been planning ahead as though I will never be these things.  I’ve been plotting my failure before I even clarify my intent for Plan A. 

Plan B – return to administrative work, and try to be happy.

Plan C – marry and have children and put myself into my husband’s career

Plan D – run away to a foreign country and do charity work and live in a hut, etc.

But what about Plan A? I realized that I’ve put so much belief into the probability of failure that I haven’t even allowed myself to try.  I’ve been hatching escape routes and fall back plans and not once have I said – “You can do this.”

I don’t know what this says about my sense of self worth or my idea of my own power but the idea that I’ve been expending energy on survival options B – Z sort of confirms to me that somewhere I’ve been programmed to believe that I can never have what I really want and therefore must prepare to settle. This programming must be undone.

Then I need to clarify Plan A as though it were the only plan available.  Sink or swim-  Not doggie-paddle to the edge and shimmy to the ladder.

So with bold declaration -  after months of questing for Bliss I will announce the intentions that have brewed in me since I was old enough to understand the meaning of what I wanted to be.  My Bliss hinges on my outlet as a storyteller.

Plan A:

I, Athena, will become a storyteller.  I will utilize the written word and the craft of acting.  I will be successful at this endeavor based on the scale of my own personal standards and not the standards of industry or fame.  I will find completion in my work and joy in the process.  I may cry and wail but I will also laugh and dance.  I will find inspiration and wisdom and adventure in this plan.  I will not run away from the responsibility I have to myself to maintain my own level of happiness.  I will create.  I will entertain.  I will not hope for a plan B or otherwise, because this life –is from here forth – the life I choose until it no longer suits me.  I will write, act, travel and live from this day forward as though my dreams are entirely reasonable, realistic and worthy. I will make a safe and comfortable living within this Plan.  I will not be deterred by labels designed to cause shame such as; selfish, dreamer, childish or any other such description put to me with the intention of making me quit.  When I look back over my life I will not find regrets that I didn’t attempt to live my dreams based on fear, or a sense of unworthiness.  I will not let rejection, or the judgments of others keep me from my voice as a storyteller.  Plan A is only a part of Bliss, but it is a huge part, and therefore will be granted the proportionate amount of energy required to feel balanced.  I will not apologize or feel embarrassment for the sheer scale of my dreams.

I, Athena, from this day forth, will strive to complete and maintain Plan A.  I will make alterations to the Plan as needed or as my desires change.  I stand behind this statement of intentions regardless of the repercussions or the negative fallout of my declarations.  I will not demure, or step down, or make myself less to keep a status quo.  This I do swear, on Wednesday the 27^th of September, 2006.  So be it.

-Athena

There you have it.  I’m not sure how to process this yet.  I admit to feeling a little nervous.  I think declaring something so strongly in writing and on the internet even though perhaps a handful of people will read it, makes me anxious.  But I cannot deny it anymore.  I can’t pretend I don’t really want it.  If that means putting it out there in an attempt to embrace it – well then, here it goes…