12.04.06
To go…or not to go?
I’m writing this particular blog to ask for help. Advice. Feedback.
When I set out on the BlissQuest I had a burning desire to see New Zealand. I can’t explain why it seemed so important – or why it now seems like a burden to go. At first I thought it best not to buy my ticket until the lawsuit was worked out, then I talked to an agent in NZ who was willing to put me on the books during my visit. I still didn’t feel safe leaving the country until I got my court stuff sorted and I also knew that by the nature of small people trying to rape the system and those they think they can get money from – they wouldn’t work out the court problem until the last possible moment, thereby screwing all my plans and causing me stress for as long as they could manage.
The good news is that they’ve agreed to arbitration with my insurance company. The bad news is that they can still technically re-file the suit, again or dismiss the arbitration until the 30th of December. If they go into arbitration in spring I should be free of the stress burden, but it’s also been recommended that I don’t wander off until all is settled. One lawyer told me that they could try and work around my “plans” for travel and schedule around New Zealand and at the time I couldn’t tell him “plans” because I didn’t have them anymore – everything was completely thrown off course due to my waiting around all year for the okay that it was safe to leave. I didn’t buy my tickets at a decent price and now they’ve doubled in cost.
Now the problem is that I have no desire to go at all. I just want to curl up in a ball and be left alone. I haven’t even contacted the agent in NZ because I have no idea what I’ll tell her. “I waited too long for my case to do something and now the plane tickets have doubled, tourists costs are at peak season and I’m still afraid to leave when things are not settled at court. I’m tired and I’m craving my own bed and I’d love some time to put my clothes in a dresser rather than a duffle bag.” I keep telling myself the only reason I think she wouldn’t understand that is because I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand why I’m not chomping at the bit to escape to NZ! To go skydiving and walk the beaches and all that jazz! I’m so ridiculously conflicted about feeling like I need to live up to my earlier excitement, as well as everyone being excited on my behalf.
The other night I dreamed I sternly told myself to take NZ off the menu and consider something else, then the next morning after a cup of coffee I asked myself if today I would just throw caution to the wind and book the stupid thing. So clearly, my conscious and my subconscious are at war – I don’t know what this means. I can’t hear myself speak. My voice is all tangled in the emotional current of my everyday and the obvious answers are dragged into the undertow.
So I humbly ask you, my friends and readers… do you see something obvious that I’m missing? Do you see something I don’t? I’m totally open to suggestions.
Harley said,
December 4, 2006 at 1:43 pm
My question to you is, what do you need to do to feel like your Bliss Quest has accomplished what you want it to? Are you ready to get a job and an apartment and all that? If so, you don’t need New Zealand. You don’t need to hold yourself hostage to your plans. If you’re not ready to settle down yet, maybe hangin with your sis for a couple months will give you the respite you need to feel the energy to get back out there. New Zealand is a great country, but there are other, less expensive destinations that might work for you just as well. I’ve heard great things about Fiji and Samoa. Lots of tropical beaches and very inexpensive. There are also some great non-touristy places in Mexico with grass huts right on the beach and no electricity after 10 pm.
I don’t think you should let the suit impact your plans. What if this thing drags on for another year, or two? Certainly, don’t let the crushing dissapointment from your adoring fans affect your decision either. No, really. I love living vicariously through you, but please, follow YOUR bliss.
Sometimes, it’s like going outside on drizzly day. It’s hard to get yourself out the door, but once you do, you’re glad you did.
Athena said,
December 4, 2006 at 2:20 pm
God, I love hearing from you Harley! You’re amazing.
Thank you for such great feedback. I love what you said, about going out on the drizzly day – I know exactly what you mean! You always have great wisdom, thank you for sharing it with me when I’m chasing my tail in circles.
I’m not sure yet what it will take to feel like my journey has reached a conclusion. I’ll have to think about it.
I hope all is well with you over in Stumptown, I miss you all like crazy.
XOXO
rebecca said,
December 4, 2006 at 6:12 pm
I have an extremely simple test for situations like this. Answer the following question:
Do you want to go to New Zealand?
From what I’ve read here, it sounds like you don’t want to go to New Zealand, at least at the moment. You might wish you wanted to go, but it doesn’t sound like you want to. This is the single best thing about being an adult! If you don’t want to, nobody will make you.
When I first came up with this test, I struggled with it quite a bit because I felt that nothing could really be as simple as that. But the more I use it, the more I realize that this simple yes or no question almost always has a simple, one word answer.
Mona said,
December 4, 2006 at 9:01 pm
I have two questions:
1. How would you feel if the law suit was taken out of the equation?
2. Does the idea of dropping New Zealand feel the same as when you were thinking that dropping Nanowrimo was the right choice?
For the more straight forward view, Timothy says “You never hop a freight train unless you have to … or you REALLY want to hop a freight train.”
What ever choice you make, we can’t wait to read all about it. You will find adventure on either path.
Love,
Mona
Timothy said,
December 4, 2006 at 9:19 pm
I thought you should hear my freight train story and maybe it will help. I was 13 years old and my school wouldn’t let me in anymore, and sent me to a alternative school on the other side of town. I lived several miles out of town and didn’t have money for a city bus pass so I’d hop the trains. About a mile from my house the train slowed to cross a gravel road and make 2 turns in the track so it was about 20 mph I’m guessing. Only one day the train didn’t slow: it was about 50 miles a hour I bet and I had to keep riding that train to wherever it stopped. I ended up in Seattle for 3 days asking all the tramps for info on what train lead where and living in hobo camps. I eventually called my mom for a Grayhound ticket. And got kicked out of school for unexcused absenses.
So don’t hop a train unless you realy wanna hop a train, God only knows where you’ll end up.
Timothy
P.S. - Fedaral law prohibits train hoping any more.
Athena said,
December 4, 2006 at 9:29 pm
Rebecca, I agree with you that it is that simple. My mind rejects the simplicity but I think you’re right. Either I do or I don’t.
Thanks Girly.
Athena said,
December 4, 2006 at 9:34 pm
Mona, Darling! How are you these days?
Thanks for the counter-questions they’re great.
If the lawsuit was removed from the equation I think I would feel safer leaving but I don’t know if I’d still feel conflicted.
As to whether it’s like Nano? I think it might be. I’m not sure what that means just yet but I’m pretty sure you hit a mark there – I need to think about it.
And OMG! I love Tim’s story!
Athena said,
December 4, 2006 at 9:39 pm
Timothy! I’m so happy to hear from you. Thank you for such an awesome story. Tragedy, humor and drama all in one and a powerful lesson that I’m very grateful you shared with me.
You are ABSOLUTELY-UNEQUIVICALLY RIGHT!
I will not hop unless I have to – or I really want to. Otherwise it’s a waste of energy that could lead me further from where I really want to be…
You rock, Tim. I hope all’s well with you and Mona and the boys!
Megan said,
December 5, 2006 at 7:28 pm
I would say follow what your soul is telling you..but it seems like its telling you both at the same time. stupid soul. *grins* but I want you to think about this…you should never feel guilty for how you feel. it is an emotion, it is valid, and it is yours. if you don’t feel excited than maybe that is your self telling you to wait until you are agian. or maybe it is just your fear talking…either way you need to accept that it is -okay- to feel that way..it is just what you do about it that may or may not be okay. if what you want is to curl up and sleep for a thousand years, don’t feel guilty..accept that feeling, it is there to tell you something.
and now I’m rambling because I also am in a weird place..but I’m sure that even thorough my indesciferableness you know what I’m talking about.
loves you.
Athena said,
December 6, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Oh Megan, dearest, I know exactly what you are saying. When has your indesciferablness ever stopped me from getting you - then again -Herebereberer.
As Cpt. Reynolds would say, “It is bad that what she said makes total sense to me?”
Thank you for the extra validation to respect my feelings. I’ll be blogging about this topic again shortly.
I miss you girly. Hopefully, I’ll see you soon
loves you back, Cutie