12.29.06
Vacancy
I’ve never been much of a fan of Christmas. In fact as the holiday grew near I struggled with some pretty severe depression and I couldn’t remember if I’d always been so depressed during the Christmas Season of if it was something else. Unfortunately, all my journals are in storage so I couldn’t just go check. I mentioned it to D and she said, “You were pretty depressed last year, but I think we all thought it was because it was your first Christmas without Reggie.”
That makes sense I thought, but it couldn’t explain my pending dread of the season. Christmas Eve and the day of I was antsy, irritable and my energy to filter or process information was at a serious low. That night as I climbed into bed, my family was spread out through the house and Admiral Fubar was crashed out in the living room near the tree. I climbed into bed feeling a little buzzed by the whole day and as soon as I relaxed I burst out crying.
It was like as soon as I stopped moving, thinking and shielding my emotional state from my family – it caught up with me and all hell broke loose. A good wracking soul-shaking sob fest.
I thought about shutting my bedroom door and trying to be quiet about it, but for some unfathomable reason I went out to the living room to ask my little brother for help. I think since I often think of him as my baby brother I don’t want to involve him in grief or the vulnerable state of a breakdown so I’ve worked hard in the past to prevent him from seeing me cry from sheer pain. But as I walked toward the Christmas tree he asked from the darkness, “Athena? Are you okay?”
Reflexively, I spoke toward the mound of blankets, “I’m fine.” Then I remembered I actually came to him for comfort and said, “Actually, no – I’m not okay.”
Immediately, he sat up and reached for me. I clung to him as I sobbed and he sat there stoically and rocked me back and forth for awhile before he finally asked, “Wanna talk about it?”
“I just miss him so much.” I sobbed. I didn’t realize it till that moment but much of the grief of divorce that I’d been trying hard to avoid, by running away. Grief over realizing New Zealand was a scapegoat, grief over spending the holiday away from someone who’d been my best friend for the last decade all seemed to catch up to me. If nothing else, Christmas is a catalyst for emotional triggers – maybe that alone is a good enough reason to dislike the holiday.
Admiral Fubar and I stayed up talking till 2 am. Eventually, the conversations went from grief sharing to humorous talk of That 70’s Show, and our laughing actually woke D up so she came out and chastised us for being too loud.
Later I understood, it wasn’t Reggie I missed – but the idea of him. It wasn’t that I wanted to his HIS face when I rolled over on Christmas morning, but someone’s face that I adore. I didn’t want him, but I wanted the intimacy of having someone cuddled under the covers with me while sipping coffee and watching the girls open gifts. Someone to throw snowballs at and share a too-rich plate of Christmas cheesecake with. Someone to fill the Vacancy.
It seems that during these last stages of letting go of a marriage and a friend that the primary malfunction is letting go of the idea of companionship. Saying goodbye, not to Reggie, but to the almost colossal need to be a part of a unit. The need to build a foundation of memories or a nurturing relationship.
When I was crying I told Admiral Fubar, “I so thought I was done with this shit!”
I realize these things take time, but I forget sometimes that there are ideas lurking that will sneak up on my ability to feel like I’ve conquered my past. So for the time being I will work toward setting new traditions in place, and finding ways to fill the Vacancy with my own actions or discover a way to fill my own needs and desires with what is in my immediate capacity to provide myself. The rest I will try to let my family help fill, and I’ll try harder to let them in, rather than keep them at bay. I have a huge family, and between them all I have someone to cuddle under the blankets with while sipping coffee and watching the girls open gifts. I have someone to throw snowballs at and someone to share a plate of too-rich Christmas Cheesecake. If I open myself more to all the love, instead of putting an expectation on the idea of whom I’m willing to share it with – there will be No Vacancy.
After all, as Admiral Fubar pointed out, “You’re already making new memories. For years to come we’ll think of the Christmas when you blew snot all over my shoulder, right?”
Fabulous.
