Free

I’m out of reserves. 

Figuratively, and literally.

I’ve been coming to the awareness that my Quest is about to shift directions, change course and evolve.  I’ve struggled with what this means, as I feel like – it’s the first time I’ve been faced with choices ahead without fear of my past making me rush forward blindly. 

I feel like I’m finally at a place of safety where I can choose a destination without being driven by the flight instinct. FINALLY!

However, this has brought up all sorts of new questions about what I really want.  Good questions.

It is evident though, that I’ve outgrown Utah.  D doesn’t need me, and I suspect she never really did.  I think she used it as a cover because she knew I needed her. I’m happy to say that I’ve managed to put my fear of Utah and the demons of my childhood into some semblance of order so I can leave without having my Mormon history haunt the immediate future.  It’s been long nights of talking with my sis, but I think I have a much better comprehension of my old world so I can consciously choose something more enriching.  A better life by letting go of the garbage.

Anyway, while this is all vague, it’s an update on the situation and a triumph of sorts that I followed the instinct to stay here and face down my history.  There’s so much more freedom when a cult mentality isn’t hanging around my neck.

That brings the question back to – where to now? What do I really want? Where will the BlissQuest go now?

I have ideas, still sorting through options and desires and hopes.  I’ll blog about it when I manage to make more headway in the tangle – but the cool thing is this –

Whatever, I choose – wherever I go… It will be the real me for the first time in more years than I can remember.  In fact, I’m not even sure I’ve met this version of myself.

Free.

Open.

Ready to be.