01.31.07

Dark Dreams

Posted in Uncategorized, The business of living at 1:37 pm by Athena

I had weird dreams lasts night.  Mostly about being chased, which isn’t that hard to figure out I guess.  But I had one a few nights ago that really bothered me.

I was seven months pregnant.  Full belly and large breasts.  I remember thinking how happy I was.  I was naked in a room that was mostly dark and I was humming softly and stroking my stomach before I became aware of a presence in the shadows.  I knew it was Reggie.  I couldn’t see him, but I knew.  His face was mostly concealed and his hair was long and curly like he used to wear it. 

I looked over at him, beaming.  He didn’t smile. He didn’t move.  Then I was grabbed from behind, and my arms pulled behind me – I screamed, thrashed, I kicked and fought, but the arms were much stronger than I was and they pinned me down.

Reggie stayed in the shadow, watching.

Hands crawled over my pregnant stomach.  I remember my bellybutton had been pushed out by how fat my tummy had gotten.  Fingers dug through my skin, reaching into my pregnancy.

Then I was in a conference room, a corporate setting.  I don’t remember seeing the face of the guy standing next to me, but I trusted him.  He was talking in a low, gentle voice as I gazed out the window at the city below.

“He wasn’t the one.  We were forced to terminate.”

“But I was happy.” I whispered.

“You only think you were.” He put a fatherly arm around my shoulder.

I started crying, and he pulled me in, and kissed the top of my head. “The thing is, the timing wasn’t right, things have shifted and you are capable of having so much more.  You know we did the right thing.”

I woke up on my right side, my hands around my stomach. I had this overwhelming sense of displacement.  I think I cried, but I’m not sure.  Then I fell back to sleep and woke up feeling lighter than I have in months.

This dream has bothered me for days.  Ominous and depressing.  Terrifying and dark. Yet all that and you’d think it was a negative dream… the thing that trips me up is that it wasn’t a bad dream.  It felt like an explanation. I’ve been wondering if my subconscious has needed an answer and therefore – it made one up. The implications are obvious. The emotions understandable.  It all makes sense to me.

I’m just exhausted with the emotional sneak attacks of baggage that resurfaces – even in my dreams.

What are dreams anyway?

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