01.29.07
Not Nobody
As you walk the streets at Sundance, people scan your face to see if you’re famous. They give you the once over sometimes the twice over before their eyes register with absolute disinterest that you are a NOBODY.
Once, when I was there, I was striding up the sidewalk and looked up in time to see a paparazzo make eye contact with me, yank his camera to his face, adjust the lens and for a moment – to my utter embarrassment I felt, important. I even smiled. His arms lowered and he flashed me a look that was utter disgust, “oh” he mumbled “She’s no one.”
My smile faded and I was left with this sudden understanding. I walked faster to get away from the waves of disappointment that wafted off him even as he scanned the crowd for someone famous.
Celebrity is so subjective. Why have we converged on Park City for Sundance in droves? Sure, a third of the people live and work here. Another portion are here for the movies and the skiing, but let’s be honest – most of the people who converge on this frozen bump in the woods are looking for Celebrities.
Am I an exception to the rule – Hell no! But it certainly brings to light an interesting facet of my character. I’ve met “famous” people. I was even invited to a movie star’s trailer when I was 14 (by a lecherous old fart). I was star struck once, by my favorite author, Jacqueline Carey and until then I never thought I was capable of such unintelligent drivel as what babbled out of my mouth when I stood in front of her.
As I hurried away from the photographer I suddenly understood I was not so much hurt by his response to my being a nobody, but by my own response to him because I thought of myself as a nobody. I had allowed my own sense of worth, importance and my value to be judged in my own mind by the worth I imbue in people we call celebrities. And my response that I’d felt important for that blink was a fairly decent indicator that I secretly must need someone else to tell me I’m worth something. Not just anyone, but the scum who hunts people down with a camera, the guy who surprises people on the toilet with his camera, the guy who gets paid to steal the privacy of others and make his living being in the face of people who just want to be left alone – for that instant – I let HIM define my value, and I was horrified by it.
I need to think about this response some more – but it brought to light an interesting portrait of myself that I’m not happy with and I would like to fix.
