Rainbow over the Hood River Toll Bridge on Sunday afternoon.

Sunday afternoon when I drove in, the rain was more of the kind of mist which I love and I drove straight to St. Mary’s to drop off my stuff then hopped back in the car even though my ass was sore from driving for two days and my shoulders had begun to cramp – I got on 84E. and headed for downtown.  As the road turned past the Lloyd Center and the city buildings loomed through the mist across the Willamette river my heart stuttered and I forgot how tired I was, I forgot how much my butt hurt or how the bruises under my eyes made me look 10 years older – I was home.

I took the Morrison Bridge to the center of downtown and all the while I was scanning the radio stations for voices I recognized.  Then I took the first parking garage on 3^rd so I could run in to Nordstrom’s rack for an interview outfit.  Bad timing for that, because it was some clearance sale going on and it was sort of like combat shopping – but no matter who ran into me, or stepped on my feet or shoved at my backpack – all I could think of was, “Sure, I’ll get out of your way – cuz, I’m home now.”

After I snagged the first outfit that fit I decided to drive around, so I went to all my favorite streets and drove over all the bridges.  Things are different in the last five months since I stopped through, and even more different than when I left last May.  They’re different and yet – totally the same. 

Yesterday I drove to Salem for an audition for a short film.  It turned out to be a school project for a teenage girl and I doubt I wowed her so I have no idea what will become of that.  Then I got an email from one of the people I was supposed to interview with later this week saying they don’t need me anymore, and I also never got my call back for the coffee gig.  So all the jobs I thought I had interviews for – have fallen through.  I came back from Salem in a funk and thought there’s no better way of clearing a funk, than hitting the best spots in town, so I drove through the hills around Forest Park and marveled that only days ago I was in brown dry-grass farmland and today I was driving through forests of trees dangling ivy and fern and grouted with moss so green I almost ran off the road for all the gawking.  I drove through St. Johns, my favorite neighborhood and then crossed the bridge over and over and over while singing Queen songs at the top of my lungs.  I’m home.

I went to view an apartment off 23^rd.  It was $720 a month for a space that was approx. 400 sqft.  Actually smaller than the cottage I rented last year.  And while I adore that part of town and I love the energy of 23^rd.  I’m ready to stretch my legs and flex a little in the space department.

Although I was discouraged driving home to St. Mary’s, I hadn’t found a job and I hadn’t found an apartment, so I was fixated on feeling like a failure when I realized – I’d only been in town for 24 hours. Did I really think I’d have a job and a house in 24 hours… I’m embarrassed to say that – uh, yeah, I kind of did.  And the sudden realization of how ridiculous that was made me start laughing like a lunatic in the middle of 205 traffic.  Anyone looking in the window would have though I’d lost it.  

So I came home to St. Mary and the AmazingGee and decided that Tuesday I would pack my backpack, and hop on the MAX for the day and get reacquainted with my city. 

Home.

Home to me is so many factors.  So many points of interest and beauty.  Portland is my home until something or somewhere strikes my fancy better.  My family lives elsewhere and that’s a point that troubles me.  I cried a lot on Saturday morning as I was leaving Utah and saying my goodbyes.  I cried a lot on the road.  But then I realized, they are family, they are always part of me no matter where I go.  They don’t need me to be there.  It’s fun for a time, but even family needs space to grow up – evolve and stretch.  So, ideally, I should be at my happiest – then visit my family a few times a year and share my evolution with them.  This means that in the meantime… my pursuit of happiness – my quest for bliss will continue – at home, in Portland.