03.20.07
Fear of intimacy?
I’m sure this is only the Universe getting even with me for posting the blog Schmen. But of late, I’ve been struggling with a very disorienting sense of loneliness. I know. I know. I’m back home, I’m with my peeps and in the city I love and running around to all my favorite places – Why am I lonely?
I’ve been trying to pick it apart. It makes no sense, it’s a deeper more confusing kind of loneliness than something like; lunch with a girl pal, or a phone call to sister, or a dinner date with a guy friend, or a walk through the woods can fix. I went through a strong bought of horniness and thought perhaps I just needed to get laid. But last night as I was having tea with St. Mary we were sitting on the couch…
Me: I don’t get it. It’s not even a sex thing. I thought it was just a sex phase. (I paused) But it’s almost like I want a…
St. Mary: Male energy? Companionship?
Me: Maybe. I dunno. I hate to say this after my last blog about being happy as a single woman – but it’s almost like – I just want to cuddle with someone and talk all night. Oh My God! Mary! What’s happening to me? What’s wrong with me?
St. Mary couldn’t talk for awhile because she was laughing too hard. But I really felt like I might be losing my mind. Why? Why the fuck would I want someone hanging around and screwing up all my plans?
Is it just a chemical malfunction? Maybe a result of going too long without sex? Maybe it’s a side-effect of traveling through amazing country and visiting spectacular places and not having someone there with me to share the awe. Maybe I need to sit down and write some smutt and get this out of my system. Maybe I just need to lock myself in the basement until this weird longing goes away.
St. Mary: You make it sound like you’re a freak for wanting love.
Me: But I don’t want love. I don’t want someone around whose going to put weight into their opinions about my decisions. I don’t want to be trapped. I don’t want love because I don’t want to stop growing.
St. Mary: But you’re smarter now. You’re wiser. You won’t let yourself love someone who does those things.
I hadn’t thought of that. Later as I was in bed I thought. What kind of love did I think I had with my husband – if the first thing I think about love now, is fear; fear of being cornered, trapped, oppressed, devalued. Is that what I really think love means? Is that why I’m afraid of it? In the past I’ve made a point of choosing lovers I knew I wouldn’t have to see again. In the past I’ve made an effort not to entangle myself with anyone on a level above friendship. Is this all because I make the association of relationships and intimacy with fear of being controlled?
I don’t know, but it’s something to think about. In the meantime, I’ll see what I can do to cure some of the loneliness in a healthy way and be more self-sufficient in that regard. I value my independence. A lot. But I’m also conflicted – because I don’t want my fear to be what defines me. I don’t like knowing I’m running from something.
So, there you have it. Athena is thinking about boys – for something more than sex. Weird.
Anne said,
March 20, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Weird, but good. I took a year off after a 5 year relationship. Sex, yes…companionship, yes….relationship? Nope. Almost exactly one year to the day I met the hubby. I went to my bar to go see another guy, on a night that I would never go to the bar usually (mostly due to the fact it was dart night, and it was either cramped or dead….and that the six guys I was juggling would all be there; awkward, hehe). Saw him from across a very crowded table, and was quite interested. That was all she wrote. It will happen when you are ready, but not when you expect it.
Mona said,
March 20, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Ok, maybe this is coming from another angle. Maybe this strong blast of loneliness is cropping up because you are, at last, back in Portland. Back to the scene of your last committed relationship. No question that your marriage had some serious down sides, but you also had that deep connection you are missing. Being back may be bringing up another level of loss.
Or, maybe, you are just ready to date….
Which option is sounds like more fun?
Athena said,
March 21, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Thanks Anne, I love that story. It makes me feel better. And I think you’re right. It’ll happen when I’m not expecting it.
Congrats on your new Hubby!
Athena said,
March 21, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Mona, as always you have such great insights. I hadn’t even thought of that. You’re right, that could play a significant role in my current lonliness.
Still, I don’t know if I trust myself enough to start dating again. However, it’s sounding less and less horrifying - so I guess that’s good…
I miss you.