I’ve been caving for the last few days.  Antisocial and trying to put myself in order.  I hope to have a job this week so I want to get all my other parts lined up: bills in order, writing cue in place, clothes organized and schedule for working out and eating better ironed out.

I don’t know if you guys have heard of the Secret, but I’ve also been practicing that as well.  Polishing up some new spiritual practices as well as organizing my inner balance a little better. 

I really dig the Secret and the premise that it’s all about the Law of Attraction.  It suddenly made sense to me why I feel like certain patterns abound in my life and synchronicity plays such a giant part in the way I make choices.  This will be my fifth week doing the meditations of attraction so I’ll keep you posted on my progress. 

Otherwise, the only other news today is that I have an interview tomorrow – so wish me luck. 

Oh, and on another note, Supernatural Spoiler Warning!

I saw this week’s episode of Supernatural, ‘Heart’.  I downloaded it at a coffee shop because Admiral Fubar called to tell me there was a sex scene with Sammy! So I settled in with my coffee at the back of Starbucks and propped my feet up to get comfy, anticipating the sexual sparks to fly.  I loved it until the very end – which I can honestly say is one of the first endings I didn’t see coming (aside from the season one cliffhanger ending).  I was astonished, horrified, riveted and stunned – and bawled like a friggin idiot right in front of twenty other people in the coffee shop who were watching me with mixed expressions of sympathy and disgust as I blew my nose on a paper napkin.  Admiral Fubar is in soooooooo much trouble for not giving me the heads up on that.

Heart, blew my mind with the unfolding dynamics between the brothers and the way their characters are opening up.  Sam’s fear that he’s evil and unredeemable is pushing him into a rescuer role that can be either great for his character or doom it.  Dean is still the adorable cocky and slightly repulsive typical guy, but where is brother is concerned – he’s all love and that makes him totally beautiful to me.  I laughed out loud during this episode and cried in public and was a little depressed for the rest of the day – which only goes to show, that despite the cheesy and fake special effects of the werewolves, the rest of the episode was definitely in my top five favorites.  It was done well enough; acting, writing and editing that I lost myself completely, which to me – is the whole point of escapism.

Well done guys.  Thanks for the great ride!

Am I a woman, yet?  Of late I’ve been in this place of reminiscing where I’ve come from and how much I’ve grown over the last two years, and the thing that keeps surfacing is this question – Am I a woman yet?

I’m not sure why other than, perhaps I feel that as I look back on my life the last ten years, I can’t help but think how much of a child I was.  Foolishly optimistic, innocent and playful.  Even as I know that I’m still those things – there’s temperance, a stiffening of something around the edges.  Does that mean I’m a woman now? I felt like a child then when I was married and I don’t feel that way anymore.  Mostly. Does that mean that when I love again, I’ll love like a woman loves? Does that mean it will be deeper or more satisfying? Does it mean I will be wiser or less giving in the middle?

I’m home now, in Portland.  And as my parts continue to catch up to me from around my travels, my heart from Valdez, my mind from the desert, my spirit from the storm in the Grand Canyon… they are catching up to my body here and re-assimilating and the pieces don’t really fit the way they used to.  They don’t fit the way they did a year ago.  They are off just enough that I know my body needs to change to be able to re-home them all and when that is done, I’m not sure I’ll be recognizable to myself. 

It’s not a bad thing.  Evolution is necessary to all things.  When you’re stagnant you die, but even as I know this I keep wondering… Will I then be a woman? If so, what does that mean?