I slept like a ton of bricks last night. This weekend was such a fabulous rejuvenation. Seeing friends and hugs and laughing was so healing. I didn’t even realize how bad I’d been needing it. Sunday I was going to come home but ended up staying longer and going out to dinner then crashing on the couch and eating chocolate and watching the premiere of ‘Drive’ with Jeffy.
It was quite and laidback and it felt so good to just be. I didn’t really want to come back to Portland, but I knew I had to – otherwise I’d stay there forever. I’m more centered, at peace and feeling a bit more optimistic than I was last Saturday so I hit the craigslist engine again to see what will come up. It was one of those reminders to me that I really do need people, not just any people but people I love.
I think sometimes, that I’m okay being a hermit in the basement and going alone to the coffee shop everyday and walking alone everyday and occasionally meeting someone for dinner or a drink – but I understand now, that I haven’t been feeding that part of myself that depends on the beauty of human interaction enough and it’s been slowly wearing me down.
Not having a regular job to go to and talk, see or interact with people has been a lot harder on me this year that I suspected. I’m good at being alone. But I’m also good at mingling in a crowd. Saturday night I remembered suddenly how much fun it is, how relaxing it is to be piled on top of one another – old friends tangled on couches and wrestling over video games or gathered together around food. I didn’t understand until I sat there in the kitchen – I’ve been really lonely and I’ve been too ashamed to admit it.
So I hereby renounce the hermit for the moment. I’m taking myself out to Buffy night at the Mission theatre where I’ll order a basket of bread and sit with a bunch of other Joss Whedon geeks and laugh. After which, this week I’ll make a more concerted effort to hang out with pals here in Portland. Now that I’m not sick I don’t have an excuse to avoid anyone. Time to get back out there and play.
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