05.26.07

No Touchy

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:58 pm by Athena

I’m still having a difficult time letting people touch me.  Specifically my face.  I’m not sure what this is, I have some theories, but it came to my attention again yesterday that I’m very particular about who I allow to touch my body.

I know there are touchy-feely people out there.  Comfortable hugging and snuggling with strangers or rubbing shoulders or locking arms – I’m just not one of those people.  It’s a strange conundrum because for a long time I was absolutely fine with casual sex with total strangers.  However, I still had trouble cuddling, and I had a lot of difficulty sleeping next to my one night stands.  I’d rather drive home at 3 am or lie awake rather than sleep next to a strange man – even one I’d just picked up.

At my reunion last year I was sitting at the bar between Sondra and Meme and the bartender (it’s a small town) came up behind us to talk to them, since I was in the middle or whatever he took my shoulders and started massaging them, hard and strong.  I gritted my teeth and gave an imploring look to Meme who knows the “no touchy rule” and she took his hands in her own and diverted his attention with a friendly social handshake.

As soon as he walked away I blurted out, “What is it about me that makes people think they can just come and invade my space by putting their hands on me uninvited?” I fumed, took a sip of my coffee and as I set my cup back on the bar, Craig Woods came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders, “Hey guys,” he asked. “Whatcha talking about?”

Bad timing, Craig. I nearly ripped him apart but Sondra and Meme started laughing as I turned to glare at him.

I also usually have cold hands, but on two separate dates last year my hands were unusually cold as the weather was chilly and on both dates, the men took my hands without asking and rubbed them between their palms.  Logically, I knew they were just being nice.  I knew they were being friendly, just like a shoulder rub or a hand shake. But both times I pulled my hands back and tucked them around my waist.

What is this about?

Even in my acting classes at the Portland Actor’s Conservatory, I had trouble letting people touch me.  It’s absolutely necessary in theatre and acting work to let other people touch you.  The thing is, when I’m fully submerged in a character I feel fine about it.  But once I’m back to being me, I feel claustrophobic.  My teacher picked up on this and in one exercise had me close my eyes and walk through a tunnel made out of my classmates and they had to pat, pet and stroke my body as I walked toward her voice.  I almost started crying, and I was shaking by the time I walked into her arms and she held me for a second to let me adjust as she stroked my hair.

People who have been in my life for years, known me forever it seems are grandfathered in to my touchy-feely zone.  People I love, trust or adore can come in and out of my space and I’m not bothered. 

Enter Thor, a guy at the coffee shop I hang out at.  He has, on two separate occasions rubbed my shoulders and once when he introduced himself to me, fairly broke every bone in my hand with his handshake. Because I’m trying to work this kink out of my system I smiled each time and chatted amicably even though I felt like I was growing a sharp set of teeth which really wanted to bite.  Yesterday we were sitting at the table and watching red vs. blue videos and I was grinning from ear to ear.  When the show was over I started rubbing my cheeks. “Oh, my god.  I have smile cramps.”

He reached for my face with two meaty hands and I flinched, and tried to cover it with a giggle and a shrug and what I hoped was a polite girly, “no.” Why polite? Why girly?

I have no idea I guess in that moment I worried about hurting his feelings, because – I just don’t let people I don’t know touch me, especially my face.

So the question is, why?

Why am I okay letting people touch me intimately in a one night stand, but not when I feel like it’s not my choice whether to engage or not? Why am I okay leaning over for a kiss, but when someone leans over to me, I back up? Why am I okay with touching when I’m in character? Is this because I need to feel like I’m driving? That I can disengage any time I want if I make the move first, meet the handshake halfway or reach imploringly to have my cold hands warmed? Why do I over stimulate so fast when I make physical contact?

Is anyone else this picky or difficult when it comes to this topic? I’m starting to wonder if this is something I need therapy for… is it healthy? Or is it more logical than I think and I’m just being paranoid that I have my boundaries too sturdy.

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