I walked into the ladies room at work to discover an assortment of cosmetics and hairspray and other toiletries designed to help the modern woman feel pretty and appealing – then I noticed a scale on the floor near the sink.
Because I am a foolish person, I decided to take off my shoes and step on the scale. Likely it’s been there for years and let’s hope to god it doesn’t accurately reflect weight – but all I could think about for the next two hours was… oh my god, I had no idea I was so heavy. I don’t’ feel that heavy. Oh my god.
So as I worked through the sheer stupidity of my own inner battle I started to wonder about the seemingly oxymoronic idea of putting cosmetics out on the counter in a cute little basket – then generously adding something like a scale to deflate the motivation of every woman dumb enough to step on it. I’m not an office guru of the highest order – but it seems to me that a scale – even one that may work – is counter productive to the workplace.
So thanks to Jeffy, and his earlier De-Motivator suggestions – I printed off a sticker with bold lettering DE-MOTIVATOR, and stuck it to the scale. I also created a user manual and taped it on the wall above the sink.
De-Motivator
The new and improved highly specialized technologically advanced motivational tool for the modern workplace.
Instructions
1) Removed shoes and stand on scale.
2) Check the reading of voltage and compare to the table below.
3) Read the emotional De-Motivation response suggested on the chart for your current voltage.
4) Act accordingly.
5) Have a fabulous day! *
| 1 – 75 | 0% Productivity | Smile |
| 76 – 120 | Minimal Productivity due to hunger. | Grin and go find something to eat. |
| 121 – 145 | Sporadic productivity due to frequent use of De-motivator tool. | Smile, get a snack and go check your email for humorous forwards from friends. |
| 146 – 191 | High productivity.
The best example of modern day workplace focus since the Greeks built the Parthenon. |
Enjoy your carbs. Pat yourself on the back and repeat the words, “I Rock!” as needed.
Be compassionate with your skinny co-workers, they are probably starving. |
| 192 – 220 | High Productivity and frequent kudos for “above and beyond the call of duty”. Where would we be without you? | Rockstars like yourself deserve a treat! Go get a mocha and treat yourself to the biscotti. Be sure to wink at the Barista and pass out your phone number, because – after all – you’re a goddess. |
| 221 – 400 | Supreme Productivity
We can only aspire to match your focus and determination. You get kudos for often covering for co-workers with low blood-sugar levels. |
The world belongs to you. Take a long lunch, enjoy your day. There is nothing in this De-motivator table that you don’t already know – because when it comes to mastery – you wrote the book! |
* This De-Motivator tool is to be played for fun and not for investment purposes. Please use with caution as
the results in the emotional column of this table can result in excessive laughter, social chatter and the elevation of self esteem. Caution: Please do not use the De-Motivator tool if you have had Botox injections in the last three months as the De-Motivator tool can cause smile lines and decreased Cortisol levels.
So far, I’ve heard giggles from the ladies room – but no one has said anything. It’s a good thing I’m a temp.
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