I sent off for information to a school in New Zealand that has a one year immersion film program. It sounds like two birds with one stone for me. Still not sure what’s going on in my head. One minute I’m absolutely ready to go to LA to pursue the dream of acting and filmmaking and the next I’m having panic attacks and crying because I love Portland so much I just don’t want to leave.
The market here is small. There is a film school in downtown. I love this city and all its weird inhabitants so much – do I love acting and filmmaking more? What are the levels of happiness that I think I can achieve in LA if I’m not fully committed to the work there because my heart is here? Can I expect success in that world – if I’m counting down time for when I can come home and be where the music is?
Yesterday morning I was completely resigned to the knowledge that I would be going to LA in August. – then I stumbled across the school in New Zealand and I got so excited, shaking, sweating and spurts of giggles. I couldn’t wait to send off for information! Then I got home and St. Mary asked if I’d done anything cool at work and I blurted out!
“Ohmygodthere’saschoolinNewZealandforfilm!”
“What about LA?” She asked benignly.
It could be that I’m on the rag, or that I was tired or even hungry – I don’t know – but whatever it was – I burst into tears.
“I don’t want to go to LA!”
St. Mary’s mouth fell open and she stuttered, “Well, you don’t have to – just stay.”
I couldn’t believe I’d just dissolved into a blubbering mess. It was like the truth came out - and of course I couldn’t trust it because one should never make big decisions in the middle of a heavy period. But the question was out – how bad do I really want to be an actress? Do I believe the only way to do film is by going to LA? Can I develop a market here in the city I love with the coolest people ever?
I don’t need to be rich, or famous – I just want to meet my ends doing what I love. Can that be done here? If I go to school for a year in New Zealand, or Vancouver, BC or somewhere similar to Portland in a social scene – can I bring that knowledge back to Stumptown and make it happen?
The goal is to make a living being a storyteller. My medium for acting is film - not theater. My writing can be done anywhere, but most of my characters live near Forest Park and a few live in St. Johns. So, although I can write anywhere, my characters are happiest here – and well, so am I.
So what gives? I can only talk about this shit so much – the rest needs to be action. A choice needs to be firm in my mind so I can make steps. Agh!
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