That is all.

I will not be rushing off to LA until I am ready – if ever.  Allow me to esplain…

As we all know from blogs past, New Zealand is my escape route.  It has in my recent history, become a pattern of mine, to yearn for NZ when I’m unhappy, uncomfortable, or largely confused.  I honestly don’t know if I’d have recognized this pattern without the help of my readers, so – Thank you!

This brings me to last Tuesday when I sent off for information for the film school in Auckland and came home uber excited whereupon I blurted out to St. Mary that I didn’t want to go to LA.

After thinking about it, I realized – I’m quite happy here, and I’ve been working so fucking hard to convince myself that I need to go to LA to pursue acting for film – but the kicker is… aside from the film market, there is absolutely no other reason whatsoever for me to be in LA. None. And the excitement I had over the possibility of NZ instead of LA was a decent indicator that I was thinking about running away again. 

Family I can visit for short durations.  But what else is there for my life but that market? I believe that there is more to my life and my adventure than that market.  While my desire to do film is as of yet, unfulfilled – I do not believe that my only chance to do film is in LA. 

I am a creative, adventurous and scrappy woman and I can find another way to do what I love without moving to a place that will force me to start from scratch to develop all the other aspects of my life that contribute to my overall happiness and bliss.  This may mean a trip away to learn so I can bring it home and apply it.  Vancouver, B.C and NZ are still viable and exciting options to me, and as they are temporary stays I know I will be home in no time at all to explore the options of CREATING MY OWN MARKET.

If however, something magnificent pops up and I am whisked off to LA, or some other destination to work at what I love – I will not turn down the opportunity to grow and adventure. 

Ultimately, however, I have come to the conclusion that Chadely is right, I am using my love of the weirdoes of Stumptown as an excuse not to ACT, both in terms of making an effort to pursue my dream and in terms of acting as in the dream.  That being said, I no longer feel that moving to LA is my only chance of success.  Yes, Chadely, I am using this city as a crutch – so I will do something about that.  What? I ‘m not sure yet, but packing up and moving to a place that to my experience is energetically damaging – is not yet the answer either. I shouldn’t have to try so hard to convince myself that I want to live someplace.  Either I do or I don’t.

Happiness for me is about a lot of things, and the greater proportion of those things are right here – in P-town.

So for now I will begin putting feelers out.  I am perfectly happy doing small films that will never be seen by more than ten people.  I am perfectly happy with the idea of working a part time job and spending the rest of my time writing and finding small niches in the film world to satisfy my need to be on set.  I don’t need fame or money to feel successful – just the adventure.  If I can pay my modest bills with it – even better, but at this point even that is not a necessity while I temp and sling coffee.  Because ultimately, what I finally understand is that – I can have it all.  If I spread out the doses and live more spherically it will take smaller amounts of the things I love to help me feel fulfilled.

My city, my dreams, my adventures, my friends, my lovers and my weirdoes!

This is doable.

I’m not sure how yet, but I know it is.  There is a way, to have all the things I love and want.  So from here forward I will remain open, and flexible and we’ll see what happens.

I’m actually, excited about that – because for me, things usually tend to work out better when I don’t have a set plan.  Queen of Wingin’ It!

So as far as this topic is concerned… it has been talked to death and I’ve made my decision. That is all.