Thunder

He asked me out to dinner – and I started crying.

Wait, let me back up and tell the whole story…

I’ve noticed a trend.  I am not attracted to anyone anymore, and I haven’t been – for at least a couple of months.  There are guys I think are hot, or chicks I think are beautiful – but it’s like an observation from afar, or admiring a painting from a great distance.

There hasn’t been a pull in me – a static chemical shock or jar or fascination since – well, since I finally kissed someone this last spring.  Over the next few weeks I enjoyed a heated rush whenever he was around, and then – slowly I began to realize that not only was he not that in to me – I wasn’t really in to him either and most of my rush had likely been fueled by such a long duration of self-imposed abstinence.  Moreover, I realized it was a self-imposed abstinence that I wasn’t in any hurry to break.  Because much to my surprise… I have loved being single so much. 

It’s been over a year and a half since I got laid and even though that sucks on many levels – it’s actually very liberating and freeing. 

It’s not that I’m not attracted to people because there are not any attractive people around – holy shit, Portland is full of hotties, the coffee shop where I hang out is full of hotties and the places I work are full of hotties.  The answer to why I am not attracted to them lies, I believe, in the fact that I have shut myself down.  Turned off all the functioning parts to heal, recover and yes over time – I’ve also shut down out of fear of intimacy and fear of sharing my hard-won freedom.

I started noticing about three weeks ago, how when I’m hanging out with someone I think might have the potential to “waken” that part of me, I feel this sickening stomach lurch, like motion sickness and then — I blurt – Divorce Stories!

Like vomit, or diarrhea of the mouth or some compulsive reaction that will: A) scare them away or B) verbally remind myself of the horror so I won’t get myself into a situation to do it again.

NOT HEALTHY!

Enter Thor.

He’s a big lovable adorably geeky guy.  He speaks Halo, which is a plus and he has a charming old school manners that clash with his boyish enthusiasm. He has on several occasions referred to himself as “220lbs of Raging Nerd”.  So anyone who knows me would know – I should be all over this guy.

He’s expressed interest before.  Hinting around – trying not to be forward – inviting without being exclusive, etc. 

I started having dreams about him at night.  In one dream I was sitting at my computer at a table and he came in with a fistful of handpicked forget-me-nots (the Alaskan State flower).  He handed them to me with timid and genuine openness and even as I watched myself respond in the dream I was full of horror at my behavior.  I took the flowers and tore them apart and snapped something like, “Why are you interrupting me? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

The dream lingered with me for days and every time I saw him I worried about what the flowers meant, and I agonized over my terrible reaction.  Thor is way too sweet to have a response like that cast at him so I carefully worded everything I said for the next couple of weeks.

One day while I was sitting with Admiral Fubar, Thor said he could take me out to a movie when I had some spare time one weekend. After he left I looked at my brother and asked, “I’m not sure, but, did I just get asked out? Like dateish? Or hit on?”

Admiral Fubar replied, “Yeah, that’s how geeks do it… I recognize that tactic.”

Crap. Suddenly I was ridiculously uncomfortable around Thor.  And every hint after that I pretended not to understand. It is a terribly dishonest way to go about having any kind of friendship – but I felt so out of my element, I just didn’t know how to respond.

Finally, today –

I was setting up my laptop and Thor came in and sat at the table across from me.  It’s common practice at Chance of Rain for all of us who know each other to sit at the same tables and chat while we do our blogs, email or write. I was especially caught up in my own headspace today, tired and stressed and I just didn’t have the energy to engage – so I deflected by being obviously intent on my work.

I could feel his eyes on me as I plugged away at emails and updating resumes and surfing,  And even though I didn’t have the energy to engage, I admittedly took a great deal of comfort from his strong quiet presence.

Then an email popped up on my screen. 

It was an invitation for dinner at his house.  He made mention that he would fix me something that didn’t have wheat or dairy ( a fact that astonished me since I think it only came up in topic once! And even I forget I’m not supposed to have wheat or dairy still)

He offered to let me pick a movie from his collection to watch, give me a backrub and many other delightful things. 

But what stuck with me the most was that he said, “Seeing you here, right in front of me…  You’re truly captivating in this light.”
How could I say no to something so beautiful? How could I think of getting up and running away when that’s probably the sweetest thing anyone has said to me with such sincerity in longer than I care to remember?

I wrote back and we talked through email even though we sitting close enough that I could feel his heat.  I said it was a beautiful offer, and that I’d like time to think about it. 

When I left he walked me to my car where I gave him a hug, and drove away sensing he was probably watching.

Aerosmith kicked on with “dream on” and I turned on to Hawthorne and started to cry. It was almost right out of my dream.  I feel like my dream response was disproportionate and wrong, but I can’t help the feeling that I like my life how it is just now, I’m busy being and having fun and enjoying and…. I get asked out and I fucking start crying – what am I, like, twelve? WTF?

I’m scared.

I’m scared of the possibility of opening.

I’m scared of the chance of being de-railed.

I’m petrified of the very real probability of backdraft.  The void of oxygen in my tiny world being opened to something else and the snuffed fire exploding back to life.

I’m afraid that if I start to open that part of myself – I won’t be able to shut the door again if I need to in a hurry.  

I’m afraid that if I let myself open to feeling attraction again, I’ll become a wild woman run amok.

That’s a lot of fear, a beautiful invitation – and perhaps it’s time to think about it.