07.31.07
Tapped
Approaching my PNR. Point of No Return.
I sometimes hit that point when I overextend myself emotionally, mentally or in this case physically. Usually I hit PRN and then realize it too late – but I can feel it in my body it’s time to back off a little.
I called my internship last night and told them I wasn’t coming in. I turned down a friend that needed a cuddle and I plan on turning some work down as well. I could still do all these things, but I know – if I hit PRN in the middle of a cuddle, I would end up doing more harm than good.
I’m tapped. Beyond PRN is a life of going through the motions, and when it becomes that – then there’s no point in doing it. If you’re too tired to live in the moment, too emotionally exhausted to know how fantastic the adventure is or your mind is stretched too much to accept the details that make up the greater picture… why are you doing it?
Habit. Fear of losing the opportunity. The need to push yourself. Not wanting to let people down. Etc.
But my stepping back doesn’t actually put anyone in a pinch. Not being emotionally and physically available for friends when they need to cuddle – that’s a pinch, a pinch I don’t like.
I’m going to start cutting back. This week is pretty full still with some obligations I can’t get out of (and possibly need to re-shoot one of the sex scenes) but the things that can wait- will have to wait. I need rest, before PRN. I need to take care of myself so I don’t reach a point where others feel the need to take care of me.
Next week. I will be sitting at my booth at Chance of Rain, drinking something warm and relaxing with peeps. Next week I’ll be sleeping on the grass in the park or curled up with a good book.
Then the week after that – chaos can resume, and I’ll be ready for it.
megan said,
August 1, 2007 at 10:30 am
don’t feel like it was a pinch. not at all. I actually am doing quite well and yesterday was just what I needed and hammer boy is fine and everything there is good..so yay. love you anyway. that’s what friends are. people who want you around but don’t need to overtax you…and who understand when you are techy or unavailable!
megan said,
August 1, 2007 at 2:50 pm
also..since you can’t see my private journal..I’ll keep sending these to you till you tell me “dear god woman stop with this nonsense!!”
–Like a Ladies Handbag–
“I love you” you said.
or you didn’t.
but the shape of it filled your mouth,
hot and thick like oatmeal.
And all I could think is:
“I’m sorry.”
and my heart hurt for the care of you.
and my chest cracked.
and fell open on the table,
all its contents spilling.
A silvered coin.
a bit of lint.
two pieces of string and a needle,
an old toy car.
and him.
little bits of him strewn across our dinner plates
and rolling off the edge.
“I’m sorry”
I thought as he oozed into your peas.
“but that’s all I have room for right now.”
————————————————
–Can We Have More Want, Please?–
I want to want you.
the way you want me to.
but wanting the want
cannot make me want it.
And the cupboard in which I keep you
is still inside the house
that he inhabits.