One of the things I love about my friends, is that I showed up yesterday ready to ask for hugs – and I didn’t need to ask.  Erisian simply saw me coming got up and wrapped his arms around me for a long sturdy embrace. It set the tone for the rest of the night and by the time I got home, I felt rejuvenated and full. Did I mention that my friends are awesome? If I didn’t – they are the greatest.

Firefly was fantastic as always.  We got in line an hour early and still barely got seats. CowboyJ, a contact through Couchsurfing.com drove four hours from Newport on his way through to Montana and stopped for Firefly.  I’d never met him in person before, and I was surprised he walked right up and introduced himself.

I mentioned that I was going to get a scotch for the show and CowboyJ offered to get one for me – I don’t actually recall, perhaps because I’ve only been drinking for a year, a strange man ever buying me alcohol.  My friends and acquaintances buy me drinks, or pour me glasses of something frequently – but a strange unknown male buying me liquor is new.

I wasn’t sure what to do so I said, “Sure.” Then as he walked away I promptly went to my friends and started asking if it was normal. I rarely let my friends by dinner, I argue with my family over who pays for coffee and I once told a date if he insisted on picking up my check I wouldn’t go out with him again. So, accepting a liquor drink ended up making me feel pretty weird. Avi, god bless him, explained the social etiquette a little then offered to sit on my other side for the evening so I would feel so vulnerable.  Did I mention I love my friends?

So CowboyJ returned and sat next to me and he’s a sturdy guy so his shoulder was pressed against mine through the whole show.  It was unfamiliar feeling the heat coming off in waves, I put my feet up on the ledge and tried not to notice – but after a while I would realize my body was shaking with tension as I was trying to hold the majority of my legs and upper body away from him.

After the show I wasn’t drunk or even tipsy really, but I still wasn’t ready to drive so I decided to go for a walk and Avi offered to go with me but his ride was leaving.  I knew he was being a gentleman and wanted to look out for me but I assured him I was fine. Thank you Avi.

CowboyJ walked around town with me and we went to a 1 am breakfast where I got a juice and we chatted.  He’s sweet and interesting but obviously from Montana.  He said a couple of things though, that made me start to wonder about myself, perhaps observations from a stranger who knows nothing really of my background or the history of my choices is something to reflect on. I’ll think about it.

As he left I got the impression that if I’d have asked him to stay – he would have.  So I didn’t ask – because – well, I wanted to, but not on the right levels or for the right reasons. I haven’t worked it all out yet.

Anyway, the interesting thing is, that since I’ve done the sex scenes – I’ve been noticing men more.  I’ve been crushing big time and venturing further out of my bubble and thinking about possibilities.

I think, even though it’s easier to let a strange man spank me or a stranger buy me a drink than it is to ask people I know for a hug – something is shifting.  The scale feels like it’s moving, in a good way.  A scary way. Getting closer to balance. Closer to equalizing as a whole person – with boundaries and affection and still becoming open to experiencing love in all its forms – flaws and glory.