08.31.07
Tomgirl
I’ll be leaving for Seattle to go camping with Jeffy and Mistress Sara for the holiday. I don’t know if I’ll get to update again soon.
Something has been bothering me for awhile. I talked to Erisian about it before the Meet-up because I think it concerns my ability to get to where I want to go.
Evidently, the way I see myself is not the way other people see me -especially at the first meeting.
A couple of weeks ago as I sat talking to Spitfire outside the café, one of the barista’s in his mid twenties, whom I’ve known and been on a semi-friendly basis for about 6 months came out to us and began to complain that there weren’t enough people to help set up their camp structure for Burningman. Spitfire was already signed on to the crew and he got all fidgety and angsty and said they needed more help – so I quickly volunteered.
“Oh, that’s okay.” he said. “I don’t mean to be rude – but we sort of need manly men. You know, strong people.”
Now, if the kid wasn’t half my weight I would have kicked his ass right then and there. But knowing what we know about my skills and his scrawniness – it would have been a very unfair fight resulting in me having to use my one phone call to KFK for bail.
As it was, I said, “What do you mean? Strong people…I could break you in two you little punk.”
Clearly the wrong thing to say as he stormed off to pout somewhere and presumably make phone calls to round up help. Spitfire looked at me as I fumed over the insult – and it’s usually pretty tough to piss me off, so I was more than a little surprised.
“I think it’s your sandals,” she offered.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, they’re not athletic sandals – you know. Like the outdoorsy ones we all wear. Yours are sort of… girly.”
I know Spitfire wasn’t in a great headspace that day so I let her have that one as a freeby. Then as she picked up her bag and headed out toward the park where they were doing the setup she said, “At the very least you should come watch. It’s really cool.”
She left and I thought about it. Eventually, I did go to the park. Eventually, there was a moment when another pair of hands became necessary and I jumped in to lift and pull and spot. Eventually, scrawny-putz did apologize for his comment.
But the damage was done. I suddenly worried that I was girly.
It’s not the first time, but it’s happened enough now that it seems like it’s actually interfering with my ability to be accepted in my own right. Having Meme here was also a reminder that I’m different than I was growing up with her – I was a tomboy to the core, football, swimming, track and field, soccer, fencing and a myriad of other sports. I guided sea kayak tours in Valdez, hiked, and bogged in the woods for years. Snow machines, wheelers, rock climbing and outdoor winter survival treks in the bush in Alaska. I did all this with bright red lipstick and manicured toenails. The last thing I ever thought of myself as, was girly. I collected swords, knives and can load, aim and fire half a dozen types of firearms. I’m good with a 30lb bow and most fishing equipment. I have a tent, tarp and folding camping chairs in my car at all times so I can go off in search of adventure at the drop of a hat. Yes, I clean my own fish, change my own headlights and tires, and after all these years – still enjoy red lipstick.
But somehow, despite the confidence that I can tie a skiff knot or bungee off a 300 ft bridge – I come off as too feminine to be useful. This isn’t just aggravating it’s dangerous. Dangerous because people who would likely see me as helpless think I’m an easy target for mischief. While that would be a ridiculous error in their judgment (and I have the crowbar to prove it)– it does tend to gum up my works and that is terribly inconvenient.
While the people who make such snap judgments are probably not the people I want in my sphere of influence anyway– it does also beg the question…
Am I not presenting myself with honesty enough that such errors can be avoided?
Am I fronting as something else and then feeling unrecognized as a strong and capable woman?
I do like girly things, shoes and bags and bright pink and red shades of just about everything. I love cute dresses and sexy tops. I adore getting my hair done. Not much of one for fancy jewelry – I wear expensive bling about as often as I get my oil changed, which is to say once every three months or three thousand miles. So I’m not a diamond kind of girl.
I’m not sure where to begin to fix the problem. I DO giggle… a lot! I laugh because I’m usually very happy. I smile a lot because I’m in love with being alive. I chat with people and I often squeal with delight over the sight of a puppy or a cute pair of shoes.
It simply can’t be helped.
I don’t know how to be anymore honest with the way I present myself. I have adventures waiting to be had, places to explore and people to meet. I don’t want to be walking into a these adventures either being grossly misjudged or blatantly dishonest about who I really am. I don’t want to miss out on the fun, the hard core or the big adventures just because someone thinks I can’t hack it. I can totally hack it!
I’m a Tomgirl. I like knives, mud, X-box and Jeep Wranglers AND I like pretty dresses, a good Mascara, push up bra’s, trash romance novels, and I cry every freaking time I watch ‘Beaches’ AND I adore Quantum Physics, world travel, solitude, debates about the true String Theory, and a smooth peaty Scotch with my cigar.
I’m at a loss. I simply don’t know how to get people to take me seriously. I don’t know what else I can do to represent myself better, and be received with more openness about my lack of a clear label. Then again, maybe I do have a label. Maybe I am just girly and my brain is refusing to accept it.
I’m stumped.
Jeff said,
August 31, 2007 at 11:04 am
Rest assured you are the prettiest little princess i have ever known
Athena said,
August 31, 2007 at 11:19 am
I’m so gonna kick your ass when I get there tonight.
I have a plasma grenade with your name on it
BTW, why are my emails to you bouncing back…
What’s up with that?
Nelli said,
September 1, 2007 at 8:09 am
Well, I know one thing. If I was ever lost in the woods, I’d want it to be with you. Then I’d have someone with a tent who knows how to use weapons AND can clean my fish, and we could do something fun like paint our toenails and do each other’s hair. What fun!
Do you know how pathetic I am? I’ve lived in Alaska for coming up on 26 years and I’ve never cleaned a fish. Also, I have some of the same fears you do, Athena. I worry sometimes that I’m “girly.” In fact, it seems that I’m girlier than you, even though I don’t think of myself that way. I like the outdoors and camping and fishing, but I also like being clean and baking cookies and putting on makeup and perfume. I rarely dress up…in fact, I think I own a total of one skirt and no dresses, and my only pair of cute high heels were lost when I was still in high school.
But it’s also possible to be girly and tough at the same time. It means you have more than one dimension and just makes you a more interesting person all around.
Take heart! If you can dress up in heels and red lipstick and shoot the crap out of someone, you’re not “girly.” You’re Hot Damn Sexy.
Mona said,
September 1, 2007 at 9:38 am
Oh, that little fucker makes me mad. Don’t let one little ass wipe who is all stressed out about his own manliness make you question who you are and how you present yourself. You are honest in your presentation and are only at risk of loosing that honesty if you get your lacy panties in a bunch when some schmuck who couldn’t interpret a street sign just doesn’t get you.
I struggled for a long time with my inner girl. Growing up chasing bear away from my fishing holes and hiking up mountains just for something to do made it hard to keep my nails nice and somewhere along the way I started to view “girly” as “weak.” It took me years to realize that putting on a clingy wrap dress with a plunging neck line didn’t take away my strength.
Your strength is that you excel at both the girly and the rugged. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. It is part of what makes you so outstanding.
erisian said,
September 1, 2007 at 1:53 pm
ditto on all of the above, including the plasma grenade.
gotta say though, i did more thinking and it may not be a quick judgement situation.
in the instance with spitfire and douchebag, it could also be that you are in supreme contrast to the whole group, thus causing them to be INCAPABLE of fully understanding.
you are a lipstick wearing, nice smelling, beautiful geek goddess who can smash things and fix them again with chewing gum and a shoelace… they are all ultra-hippies with a penchant for smoking too much pot and dreading their hair. none of them fall into the classical categories for beauty and so when you walk into the room, the aspects of you that fall into said materialistic category prolly throw them for a loop.
consider my situation, i am twice the size (literally) of every one of them, thus i am the first person to be called to action for heavy “manpower”.. i am in fact a squishy teddy bear.. i like to camp, i am well versed in the manly arts, but you know what? i would much rather cuddle up with a chick flick and a hot cup of coffee (lots of soy, no sugar.)
for the most part, you have no control of how people will think of you. it should be nothing to stress over, instead, something to be proud of when they think one thing, and you step up and do the work they thought you were incapable of and you do it twice as well as them.
smile take a bow/curtsy, and come up from said movement with a flipped bird and a little bit of flamboyancy.
i will give more feedback as i ponder it more, but regardless, igotchabackbiatch. to sum it all up though, you are not sporting affectations, you are being yourself. and it is not your responsibility to care what anyone else assumes. if you do, you are going to be miserable and constantly second guessing yourself. be friend s with ewho you want, and put them in their place when they say something that is fucked up.;
hope your camping is fun.. wish i was drinking beer around a fire tonight…
Athena said,
September 4, 2007 at 8:22 am
Thank you Nellie
You’re adorable and so freaking awesome.
Athena said,
September 4, 2007 at 8:31 am
Mona,
As always you say it and it goes right to my heart. You’re so wise and compassionate about the things I get all tangled up about.
You’re right, I’ve somehow made the association that “girly” means “weak” and now that I step back from the statement – it just isn’t true. I’m going to have to think about this idea some, because it is interlaced with a lot of my deeper ideas about myself. Maybe this idiot struck a nerve because; I have miswired something in my psyche that needs to be rewired so I don’t doubt myself when bunghole’s like him say something obnoxious.
You’re right too that I can’t let someone who doesn’t get me, dictate how I think I am. Clearly, I have some thinking to do on the subject – but I really appreciate you saying what you did. It slammed things into a better perspective and it seemed a little easier to breathe afterward.
I love you, Mona, you are so fucking fabulous: plunging neckline, rugged strength of your own, the gentle-firm and compassionate nature that makes you such a great mother and humor that balances the scale. You’re amazing, I just hope you know it.
Athena said,
September 4, 2007 at 8:44 am
Erisian, my squishy teddy bear, I love you just he way you are.
Your compliments made me laugh so hard - I just adore you.
I’m up for a chic-flick night and coffee with you anytime. You’re right, I can’t worry and be responsible about what people assume about me – it says more about their ideas of themselves and the world at large – than anything truthful about me. It certainly put into perspective that I have been spending too much time with the wrong sorts of people.
OBVIOUSLY, my true peeps are right here.
Thanks for getting my back
Anne said,
September 4, 2007 at 6:25 pm
This is just my two cents; take it for what its worth. I’m older than you, but I was younger when I realized that ‘girly’ did not equal ‘weak’. I was 23. The guy I’d been dating for 2 years took me deep sea fishing, for blue fish. Strong fighters, lots of teeth…kill ‘em with a sledge hammer. I’d told him time and time again that I knew how to fish. I’ve been outdoors doing stuff since I was very small. I just don’t care to fish, my idea of a good morning on a boat involves coffee and a book…not trolling for pike. So, off we go that evening, relatively calm, but it was the ocean. Find the fish hang out and then..yeah, I can bait my hook with the partial fish. Yes, I can cast, even on a boat. No, I know what it feels like when you get a bite. And yes, the (then) skinny girl with cute clothes can pull in her own damn fish. All four of them.
After that, I realized that I can do whatever I want, and wear whatever I want - practically, of course!! And I can opt to be a total girl if I want. No, I’m not cooking. Sure, I’ll let you set up the tent. And I don’t worry who thinks what, anymore. Cuz its none of their damn business.
As for the scrawny one? I’d have done what you did…showed ‘em when I had the chance. But you (and I) have not one damn thing to prove. We are women, and of *course* we can do it. Better, with more style. If we *want* to.
Mona said,
September 4, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Athena,
I don’t know what to say. Your words made me tear up and burst with joy at the same time. I feel like I want to paste it into a scrap book. If only I had ever learned to scrap book… That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. The way you described me is the way I want to be, I was just never sure if I really carry it off. Thanks.
Mona said,
September 4, 2007 at 9:42 pm
BTW, I you outlive me will you write my eulogy?
Mona said,
September 4, 2007 at 9:43 pm
Arg… “IF you,” not “I you”
Athena said,
September 5, 2007 at 10:17 am
Anne,
“As for the scrawny one? I’d have done what you did…showed ‘em when I had the chance. But you (and I) have not one damn thing to prove. We are women, and of *course* we can do it. Better, with more style. If we *want* to. ”
You are my hero. Truly, you sound like one kick ass woman! Thank you for your response
Athena said,
September 5, 2007 at 10:22 am
Mona,
You absolutely - truly pull it off.
Without a doubt.
You carry it off!
:)
Athena said,
September 5, 2007 at 10:23 am
Also…
Mona,
If I outlive you, I’m gonna be really pissed. And as soon as we meet up in our special section of hell - I will kick your ass for going first.
However, in that very unlikely event, I will write your eulogy. Very unlikely event because I will likely do something stupid that will get me to hell first.
So. There you have it.
It’s not a race - but I’ll be damned if anyone gets there ahead of me…
XOXO
Athena
Harley said,
September 7, 2007 at 11:37 am
Well I always thought of you as a warrior princess Athena. That pencil neck geek will go to the part oh hell reserved for the likes of George Bush.
megan said,
September 9, 2007 at 1:41 pm
you are representing yourself with complete honesty. its the alaska thing I think. it took me a while of being a badass for people here to believe i could be, and I still don’t think the cafe boys in masse really know that I could probably build almost anything in their shop from the bottom up..I just have the advantage of people knowing I worked on a fishing boat *grins*..the thing is, people don’t realize that there are totally hardcore tomboys out there that still wear cute shoes and lots of skirts…they don’t really concieve of it so they assume you aren’t a tomboy if you are that kind of one..its like the lipstick lesbian of tomboyism..we’re used to it cause tons of AK girls are like that..that’s why an awesome aussie woman made all those shirts! *laughs*
megan said,
September 9, 2007 at 1:44 pm
ps: its their problem not yours…and honestly..can be one with that crowd..they mean well but they don’t get it. but that’s not your fault..if someone isn’t going to see it that’s their loss..cause they’ll never have the joy of riding a boston whaler way too fast with you or climbing down a rock cliff to get to a waterfall or having you help set up their heavy-ass shit. they lose.
Athena said,
September 10, 2007 at 10:46 am
Thanks Meg,
I agree. It’s their problem.
It just took some hashing out in my mind and blogging it and talking it through to discover that it hit a nerve and that nerve needs some attention so I don’t get my hackles up so fast next time.
I like what I am. It may or may not be easy to understand or classify - but I’m okay with that.
XOXO
:)