09.26.07
Sick day for the heart
I stayed home from work today, not feeling well. Although I have to be honest and say a stomach ache and fatigue are not that big of a deal – I could have worked through it – but the really alarming thing is the emotional turbulence. Heartsick.
I can’t explain it, really. I’m pretty good, I think, at managing my own needs and drama and when it looks like my emotional output is going to be a burden to anyone, I usually just cave until I get it under control. The last thing I want is someone else, who is perhaps not aware of it, thinking they need to take care of my baggage or help me with my emo moments. I can do it, I want to do it – but damn, I got home after work yesterday after keeping it in and sat on the floor of my room and sobbed. Snot and tears and mascara all over my work slacks.
I understand it’s alarming for people to know I cry – but allow me to clarify that crying is my way of keeping balance. Most people I know wouldn’t let themselves cry unless they just had an arm ripped off, and even still they’d call themselves a pussy for getting weepy over a stupid arm.
I’m obviously not of that school of thought. I prefer to let it out as soon as it comes up, get my cortisone rush and a few endorphins and then when it subsides – make a plan for how to take care of it.
Hence the day off. I woke up this morning and knew it wasn’t over, so I packed up my wooby and some treats and came to Chance of Rain where I’m cuddled into a booth with my blanket and a dopio and my gear. Tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow the job hunt stress will be over one way or another. Tomorrow I will know what to do about my living space troubles. Tomorrow I will know what my heart wants in the way of love. Tomorrow I will understand what my future better.
Today. I will nurture myself with good coffee, friends, my favorite blanket and some delicious food – and a note book to help me plot my next adventure. I am not a pussy for crying. I am prudent for taking care of the problem before it moves from my heart to my body wherein – then I’d really be in trouble. Today is a healing day.
erisian said,
September 26, 2007 at 12:12 pm
i dont have a wooby..
i have a gizmo..
but it is breaking and i had to put it away regardless of how it makes me feel
erraberra said,
September 26, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Amen for Mental Health Days! You’re a brave, smart woman!
Athena said,
September 26, 2007 at 12:19 pm
I’m sorry your Gizmo had to be put away.
That’s sucky.
Athena said,
September 26, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Thanks, Erraberra
All will be well tomorrow. Just catching it early so it doesn’t spiral downward.
Keet said,
September 26, 2007 at 12:56 pm
I keep wondering when this day will come. I look at what has happened in the past four months and I wonder why on earth I’m not emotionally unstable or at least on some sort of medication. I have a good idea where the majority of my strength comes from, but I’ll freely admit there are days when I wonder how I not only function, but seem to have a relatively positive outlook on things.
I’m not making any effort to minimize what you’re going through (of course you know this), I guess it just made me think.
Athena said,
September 26, 2007 at 2:29 pm
I know, Keetster.
You are so strong hanging in the way you have. I’m here for when you need it though
Nelli said,
September 26, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Tomorrow is here! I think. Unless you’re up, like, way late. So hope you’re feeling better. *hug* (I almost typed “beeter.” Dunno what that is. I guess it whips beets. Or something.)
So feel better, but don’t feel the beeter. It gets a mite tetchy.
megan said,
September 26, 2007 at 10:08 pm
yay for sobby needing blankies days. I get you there..have a great night love. see you soon!
Athena said,
September 27, 2007 at 9:42 am
Nelli, your “beeter” helped me feel lots better
Thank you
XOXO
Athena said,
September 27, 2007 at 9:43 am
Meg, dahling.
It worked wonders.
Thank you for the hugs as well.
Right as rain.