11.26.07
selfish test
I decided to try a test. I asked 14 people at my usual hangout coffee shop three questions.
“Do you feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you and understand you better?”
“Do you feel as though I have misjudged you?”
“Do you feel that based on your presentation of yourself, and my receiving of that presentation that I have treated you accurately?”
WOW! You’d have thought I threw a can of gasoline on a bonfire! I’ve been hanging out at this shop for 10 months. On the average of 10 hours a week give or take the weeks where it’s a lot more and others not at all. Most of the regulars that I hang with and play scrabble and just talk with are great- amazing people.
What fascinated me about the questions was; first the bewilderment, then the cautious answer and then the surprise as they all – with one exception – answered “yes” “I don’t know/can’t say/no” & “yes”.
The one exception was a guy who said, “I think you’re over-thinking this.” And walked away.
Of course I’m over-thinking, that’s my specialty. Duh.
Anywhoo, most of the reason I felt like I needed to ask these questions was to find out how I’ve been spending my energy – more importantly – whether I’ve been spending it well.
For example. One guy, couldn’t remember my name. (I’ve had coffee with him for 8 months, I know his dog’s name, his kid and where he works – I even visited him at work once just to say hello) Clearly, I’m not investing myself well with this one.
The point was that I asked 7 people I feel I know well and I feel like they know me fairly well, and 7 people I am mostly comfortable around but I don’t believe they know me.
The astounding thing was that not one- not a single person – asked the questions in reverse. Interesting!
Only a handful of said peeps are in my sphere of influence and I’m okay with those people and would quite happily drop whatever I’m doing and help them if they needed it. But it really brought me to wonder, as I was asking the questions and I watched each face, there were of the 14 at least 10 that made eye contact and as I asked, “Do you feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you and understand you better?”
I secretly thought- if they’d asked me that I’d say “no”.
“Do you feel as though I have misjudged you?” If they asked me that I’d say “yes”.
“Do you feel that based on your presentation of yourself, and my receiving of that presentation that I have treated you accurately?” If they asked me such a question I would say, “not really.”
And after I understood that bit of truth – I started to wonder, perhaps it’s time to find myself a new shop to hang out in.
So the experiment wasn’t so much me asking them the questions, but me asking them the questions I felt like they should have been asking me after making a concerted effort several times a week over nearly a year to check on them, ask them about their lives and how they are doing. Fascinating and a little depressing to realize that the ones I adore, engage in conversation, tell jokes to and drink coffee with, probably don’t even know my name.
Chadely said,
November 26, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Since noone else asked you, i will,
“Do you feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you and understand you better?”
“Do you feel as though I have misjudged you?”
“Do you feel that based on your presentation of yourself, and my receiving of that presentation that I have treated you accurately?”
And to be fair i will answer as if you asked me….
“Do you feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you and understand you better?” Well, you have tried, for many years, but i am a hard nut to crack, not allowing people to get close and to know the real me. But you have come closer then most. So i would say you have made a good effort. Its not you, its me…(cheesy grin)
“Do you feel as though I have misjudged you?” Uhmm..no…i am a pervert…and maybe a slight unhinged…
“Do you feel that based on your presentation of yourself, and my receiving of that presentation that I have treated you accurately?” Well its hard for me to give an answer here, because i am moody, so any given day i can give any kinda presentation. some people might think me hateful, others playful, but over all i think you realize i simply like boobs. (another cheesy grin)
there ya go
Athena said,
November 27, 2007 at 10:45 am
YES.
No.
Yes.
Thank you for asking Chadley.
Yes, you are a touch nut to crack.
Yes, you are a slightly unhinged perverted adorable man.
Boobs, yes, the boobs.
I love you, My Champion.
Lara said,
November 27, 2007 at 12:23 pm
No you cant do that!!
First off, i didnt get to play the game yet.
Second…. Id be so very sad if you found a shop to hang out in…
Besides, you just moved down here.
Ok, so my turn.
“Do you feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you and understand you better?”
Your efforts have been far more than others, though being a perfect stranger at first, how much could you really care to know or understand about me?
“Do you feel as though I have misjudged you?”
Putting aside my good faith in your ability to read people and “judge” them, the answer would probably still be yes. My closest friends in the world still misjudge me, though far less than those who dont know me as well.
“Do you feel that based on your presentation of yourself, and my receiving of that presentation that I have treated you accurately?”
You have been nothing but cordial and kind to me. I have to say though, even after the exchange of cell numbers and hanging out a few times, I half expected maybe a call when you had no one else to hang out with? Second choice is better than not at all.
If you would like to answer your questions as though I had asked them, please do. I am very interrested in what your answers would be.
I havent seen you in a while, I hope you are doing well in your new living situation and all.
~Lara
Argentum said,
November 27, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I dont know…maybe its not them, but your expectations of them.
You collected more of a batch of transient friendships, while looking for a different type of frienship than that.
Tyranny said,
November 27, 2007 at 3:47 pm
I totally agree with Argentum.
When you figure out how to make deeply committed long-lasting friendships with humanoids let me know k.
Luv you
erisian said,
November 27, 2007 at 5:08 pm
i didnt have to ask you back cause i already know the answers.
love ya athena.
i agree with argentum and tyranny.
i myself have many acquaintances and a fair number of friends. the line blurs sometimes, but the reality is that my friends are my family.. they have proven themselves to me and i know they are reliable and trustworthy.
i would take a bullet for them.
the acquaintances, well, i would take a bullet for them too, but i better fucking survive so i can kick their asses everytime someone i ache.
family knows my dad, non family only knows of him.
and vices versa from his perspective.
we need to hang when i get back from my trip.
Athena said,
November 28, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Hi Lara,
It would have been interesting to be able to ask you those questions as:
a) I do not feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you
b) I haven’t really developed a judgment of you because of “a”, perhaps I think of you I guess as busy and working a lot but for the most part being quiet and waiting to see how things turn out.
c) I’d have to say that based on the previous answers “Cordial” is the only course of action as you have not given me a reason to dislike you, and we are both ridiculously busy.
That being said – that phone works two ways my dear
I’ll happily answer the questions in reverse. Perhaps over a game of scrabble and a cup of coffee one weekend at Chance
I hope you’re doing okay. Thanks for playing
see you in the mad rush soon!!
Athena said,
November 28, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Agrentum and Tyranny,
I agree. I will have to think about this some more…
Athena said,
November 28, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Erisian,
That makes me happy.
I’m glad you already knew the answer
If you’d asked, I would likely have rolled my eyes at you and snorted very unladylike before squeezing the air out of your lungs with a hug.
Then I’d be wanted for killing my dear friend and that would make the whole conversation a moot point.
I love you too
megan said,
November 28, 2007 at 4:39 pm
i agree with argentum and tyranny, but also with Eiresan and also with you. I think that they are valid answers to ask, and to feel you need to -be- asked. I think that you were putting yourself out there to have deeper meaningful friendships, but maybe weren’t clear about what you were looking for. I think you always put a great deal of effort into your ventures..and sometimes you don’t get that back, but maybe you also don’t seem like you are looking for that level of depth or commitment. I had a moment this week and realized something..I’m going to email it to you cause its a really long epiphinal thing..but I think you’ll be interested. In the short I think that you were looking for something and didn’t get it. and you deserve it. but maybe you also didn’t make it clear you were looking for it. And maybe you need another coffeeshop, or maybe you need another coffeeshop -also-..reminds me of a song “make new friends..”okay..that was emminently cheezy but I couldn’t help it. Ayhow. I value you and your opinions and I think you know my answers to the questions..
also, we just put all the computers that were in the front into the gallery and put a bunch more tables in the front if you want to come bumm around @ my cafe some time..still uncomfortable chairs, but better meeting/typing zone now. i work sunday through thursday (starting next week, this week I work/ed tuesday through saturday) in the morning/afternoons.
this was still long.
epic fail!
Athena said,
November 29, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Good points.
I’ll be thinking about this for awhile.
Not an epic fail, darling - you are adorable!
:)