I decided to try a test. I asked 14 people at my usual hangout coffee shop three questions.  

“Do you feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you and understand you better?”

“Do you feel as though I have misjudged you?”

“Do you feel that based on your presentation of yourself, and my receiving of that presentation that I have treated you accurately?”

WOW! You’d have thought I threw a can of gasoline on a bonfire! I’ve been hanging out at this shop for 10 months. On the average of 10 hours a week give or take the weeks where it’s a lot more and others not at all. Most of the regulars that I hang with and play scrabble and just talk with are great- amazing people.

What fascinated me about the questions was; first the bewilderment, then the cautious answer and then the surprise as they all – with one exception – answered “yes” “I don’t know/can’t say/no” & “yes”.

The one exception was a guy who said, “I think you’re over-thinking this.” And walked away.

Of course I’m over-thinking, that’s my specialty. Duh.

Anywhoo, most of the reason I felt like I needed to ask these questions was to find out how I’ve been spending my energy – more importantly – whether I’ve been spending it well.

For example. One guy, couldn’t remember my name. (I’ve had coffee with him for 8 months, I know his dog’s name, his kid and where he works – I even visited him at work once just to say hello) Clearly, I’m not investing myself well with this one.

The point was that I asked 7 people I feel I know well and I feel like they know me fairly well, and 7 people I am mostly comfortable around but I don’t believe they know me.

The astounding thing was that not one- not a single person – asked the questions in reverse. Interesting!

Only a handful of said peeps are in my sphere of influence and I’m okay with those people and would quite happily drop whatever I’m doing and help them if they needed it. But it really brought me to wonder, as I was asking the questions and I watched each face, there were of the 14 at least 10 that made eye contact and as I asked, “Do you feel like I have made an adequate effort to get to know you and understand you better?”

I secretly thought- if they’d asked me that I’d say “no”.

“Do you feel as though I have misjudged you?” If they asked me that I’d say “yes”.

“Do you feel that based on your presentation of yourself, and my receiving of that presentation that I have treated you accurately?” If they asked me such a question I would say, “not really.”

And after I understood that bit of truth – I started to wonder, perhaps it’s time to find myself a new shop to hang out in.

So the experiment wasn’t so much me asking them the questions, but me asking them the questions I felt like they should have been asking me after making a concerted effort several times a week over nearly a year to check on them, ask them about their lives and how they are doing. Fascinating and a little depressing to realize that the ones I adore, engage in conversation, tell jokes to and drink coffee with, probably don’t even know my name.