This woman comes into my office to complete paperwork for her file.  She’s 42 and perhaps a few fries short of a happy meal – I don’t know.

Anyway, she is sitting up against my desk signing forms and very nonchalantly says, “Excuse me I’m about to fart.”

I had enough time for my face to register shock when she leans over and – I swear to god – crop-dusts half my office. Then politely says, “My mom taught me to be polite, so that’s why I pardoned myself in advance.”

“okay.” I whispered trying immediately to hold my breath.

For the next 15 minutes I tried casually to reach behind myself for things so I could breathe into my shoulder as well as carry on a conversation without actually inhaling.

Somehow I held it together long enough so that as soon as she left I lit up a can of Lysol and locked my office and made a beeline to the bathroom where I sat on the sink laughing so hard I thought I’d sprain an abdominal muscle. Just another day at the office.

I stayed up talking to RoadWarrior again last night and slept through the time I was supposed to get up to go get my hair cut. I can’t keep doing this.  Staying up late and dragging ass all day.  That’s twice this week I’ve slept through my alarm. Not. Good.

On another note I am much happier about what’s going on in my life.  My job is settling into a pace I like with a new schedule and a team that’s finally fully staffed.  I dig my manager and am finally understanding some of the intricacies of the work that had me frustrated before.

So wouldn’t you know it, now that I have a system falling in to place – I feel healthier, stronger and more centered… and the love quest keeps pushing my buttons and making me feel like a weeble-wobble but since the rest of my life feels good, a little weeble-wobbling in the heart is a good thing.  It means I am growing.

It also means I am making wriggling room in my core so I can fit someone into my life.

One thing I was not prepared for is the concept that I don’t have it all figure out or put together. Go ahead and laugh. I understand. I want to laugh too.  As arrogant and stupid as it sounds – I really thought I had a strong handle on what I thought about myself and what I want from a mate.  But as it turns out – I am still a child in so many ways that I didn’t even know about and it either makes me insecure or leaves me without a response to a comment or a situation.

Where is the strong and confident, self-sure Athena that I want? Where is the woman who knows exactly what she is doing?

Hell if I know. Suddenly I’m a mentally bumbling idiot.  An emotionally tipsy youth. Or a scared little girl. Suddenly, I am physically clumsy and tripping over my own high heels, dropping things and catching my shoulder on the door frame.

What is this phenomenon? What is this strange behavior that makes my mouth ramble at charging speed when I KNOW I should just shut the fuck up? What is this stupid crux that when I know I should speak – my mouth opens and nothing comes out? How is it that I’ve played a million games of pool then suddenly I get a text or talk to a guy and I end up scratching the eight ball four games in a row?

This is what I mean by weeble-wobble. I am trying to find a new sense of stability and confidence in my own energetic space now that I have pushed the door open.  Now that I’ve made it an option, I have to discover who and what I can be when I’m not shut down.  If that makes any sense.

Moral of the story is, I don’t like the strangeness of my behavior, the unpredictable responses and the often foolish shit that comes spewing out of my mouth. But it is temporary. I am learning a newer and healthier equilibrium with myself and the world and although it doesn’t look pretty – it’s hella fun and sooner or later I will be myself again – only smarter, more confident AND open to all possibilities and ready to take what the Universe can dish. So please bear with me. It might look messy but it will be a lot of fun!