Happy New Year!

WOW! Holy fucking identical twin, batman! Even when I left half an hour later I wasn’t sure it wasn’t him.

Anyhoo, I felt a little nauseas and emotional and coupled with hormones and being surrounded by 200 people I didn’t know, I just wanted to curl up and go to bed. So I left the pool hall at 10:30, long before the party really got started. It turns out Admiral Fubar was also feeling antisocial so he just wanted to go home and as I was driving back to the house I just started crying, and drove past my street and on down to Bunny’s where another party with friends was going on. I didn’t feel sexy. I felt utterly alone and unseen.

It felt good to walk in and know faces, almost immediately I felt better, more welcome and relaxed. I’d wanted to go to Indigo’s party because I felt like there’d be a better chance of getting kissed – and I’m not above using the New Years as an excuse to get some sorely needed lip action. Once I was at Bunny’s I knew there wasn’t anyone I would dare to have kiss me so I contented myself with putting red lipstick marks on people’s cheeks before midnight and then stationing myself far from anyone single when the new year rolled in.

I’m pathetic. I know.

But I felt immensely better and was ready to leave at midnight and go home to curl up with my dog. Even as I drove away I thought, I’m very lucky to have everyone but I was a little down on myself for not reaching out further beyond my circle when I had the chance. However, opportunity presented itself when I parked the car and got out to go in and snuggle with my dog, a car load of drunk guys was sitting waiting for someone across the street. The sober woman driving got out and ran in to fetch whomever it was they were waiting on when a hand came out the back window followed by a head and a very drunk, “Happy New Year. I like your coat.”

Instinctively, I was going to pass them by, a car full of drunk guys can be troublesome. Then I thought, hell, it’s new years and I’m almost home where I’ll have gone out all night dressed up and not have ventured beyond my comfort zone. So I stepped over the bushed and went to the car where I could hear two other guys in the back seat.

“Happy New year to you too,” I said and reached out to shake hands. We talked for several minutes. Bobby and James and someone else.

When I introduced myself as Athena they each said, “Oh, a goddess. Isn’t she the Goddess of beauty or something?”

“No, you idiot,” said another, “She’s the goddess of love.”

“Actually,” I amended “she’s neither.”

“Oh, right, she’s the goddess of hunting.”

“Or the goddess of fishing or something…”

“Athena is the goddess of War,” I supplied.

“What? Noooooo.”

“And wisdom.”

“Hey we met a Goddess!” Bobby took my hand and kissed it. “Happy new year. You are so beautiful.”

I don’t care if they were drunk. I really didn’t even care that they were so far gone that they were repeating themselves and talking over one another. Something in me needed to be reached for. Something needed to hear – even in the drunken emphaticness and repetition from strangers – That I was seen. Maybe I was just so low, or maybe it’s a sickness but it felt so good to have someone who didn’t know me struggle an arm out of the car and gently hold my cold fingers and say, “Thank you for coming over to talk to us. You’re the only sober girl that has talked to me all night. Thank you for not being afraid. You are very beautiful.”

They were adorable and as we talked I wanted to squish each of them, instead I passed out a couple of cards and bid them goodnight whereupon James shouted out as I walked down the sidewalk… “Your phone number is on here… can I call you?”

“No.” I shouted back and laughed.

I went in, curled up with Xena and fell asleep with a smile on my face. Happy New Year indeed, 2008 is going to rock.