One of my biggest pet peeves is having someone listen to me, but not hearing anything I say. It’s been a pattern in my life that men I know, especially men who are close to me in some regard, ask me a question them promptly ignore exactly what I just told them as they move on with whatever their brain is doing – which in cases of guys who may be attracted to me – their brain is already on sex and I’m still learning their name.
For example: Guy calls me in the middle of the day.
Me: Hello?
Him: Hi what’s up?
Me: Nothing I’m just at work.
Him: Oh, okay. So I was thinking….
He talks for several minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise and when I finally do-
Me: Hey can I call you back later I can’t talk on the phone for long.
Him: Why?
Me: Cuzzz, I’m at work.
Him: (irritated) What? Why didn’t you tell me you were at work? I didn’t know!
Okay, so there is an example of someone who doesn’t listen. But strangely these people are very frequent in my life. Primarily men. Men who ask where I want to go for dinner and I say anywhere I can get fries and then they choose a pizza shop. I ask a man to snag me a plain old drip coffee and they come back with a “Grande mocha with two pumps of raspberry, an extra shot of espresso and extra whip cream”. (his explanation – I’ll like it better) Thank you. But not what I was asking for.
I tell Admiral Fubar I’m working on my book – need to focus on my book- have to leave early so I can WRITE ON MY BOOK. The book comes out and I show him a copy and he says, “You mean a book? It’s actually a book? I didn’t know you actually meant a book, I thought you were just writing short stories for a magazine.”
I’m not sure what this is. Recently it seems to be getting worse. I talked with D while I was in Utah for Christmas and she seems to struggle with it too. I was raised with men ignoring my requests, interests and opinions. It comes with the territory of living in a society primarily Mormon so that the female voice is not heard.
The point is, I feel like I’ve come a long way in communication, negotiation and the art of tact – so how is it that I somehow keep finding the guys who look me in the face (or the chest) nod and say, “Sure. No Problem.” Then immediately go do exactly what I asked them not to do? How do I keep finding the guys that interpret “No. Thank you.” As “maybe if I ask 15 more times she’ll say yes…”
For me personally, it makes it very difficult to ask men for anything because I don’t have the fundamental faith that they can follow through. This is obviously not the case for every man – as I know many who are excellent listeners and I make such a big deal out of it that Matt even once asked, “What? Do you have some kind of problem with men listening to you?”
Actually, YES! I do. I wondered if it’s the way I’m communicating. I’ve wondered if it’s the way I am that attracts this sort of man to me. I talked with Saij and Erisian last Sunday and we got into the conversation about the male vs. female brain development as a fetus. High testosterone levels wire the brain in linear patterns, whilst lower testosterone wires the brain in a spider web. The outcome is generally that the female brain is actually wired for multitasking whereas the male brain is not. So I wonder, if I’m just talking to a guy while he already has his two maximum tasks in the front of his brain and when I ask, “Can you please stop at the next pullout, I need to walk around.” Twelve pull-outs and an hour later I’m yelling, “Pull the fuck over I’m going to be sick!” - is it just that by they don’t have room in their linear thought for a third objective? One: Drive, Two: Chat, Three: Find a pull-out so Athena doesn’t hurl in the car.
I’m angry about having to ask for the last five turn outs, “What about that one?” or “can we make that one?” I wonder if I can look at that bewildered hurt and understand – guys are just not wired to be good listeners.
What does this mean as I’m getting back into the dating scene? How can I fix my communication?
What do you guys think? Is there a connection? Is it a guy thing I should learn to live with? Or am I not seeing something?
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