Love Quest

We’ve been on the BlissQuest and the BodyQuest is under way, but I have yet to begin the LoveQuest. I have decided to begin the quest for love – because it’s finally time again.

I will reach out to major metropolitan cities via the internet throughout the year. As I’ve been in the Portland culture I’ve discovered that while I am adoring of the men here, I think of them all as friends or brothers or people I need to protect, it may just be me, but there seems to be an energy lacking for something chemically charged and epic (could it be the comfortable level of geekery? My geeks? Could it be the laid-back part time approach to having dreams?) I can see the guys here being my best friends until I finally discover that I feel strongly for one of them – but so far, the generalization that they have yet to capture my greater imagination for profound romance leaves me with two possible conclusions: It’s them, or more likely – it’s me. Something broken in me.

I have no way of testing this without going outside my comfort zones. I wasn’t ready to date before – and to be truly honest I still am not all the way there.  For the moment I am out of my body and my creative rhythms are off – so until that is fixed I am not complete enough to venture out.

The plan is to post an ad on CL every two to four weeks in a new city. Starting first with cities that have family or close friends (LA, Anchorage, and Seattle) then branch out to cities that are easy to travel from those destinations (Vancouver, San Diego, Las Vegas). After which I will try cities further away, but for right now that’s as far as I’ve thought.

What I’m hoping is that I will very quickly discover whatever is askew in my capacity to feel a shocking emotional/physical response and I can fix it.

I love Portland. God I love it. More than anywhere I’ve ever been and I traveled months in my jeep to find this niche.  I drove literally 10,000 miles to find a place I could love so much only to discover that my heart was here all along.

But either my whole heart is not here, or someone who can waken my heart is not here. WTF?

Reaching via the web will give me a chance to continue my career as a writer and not get caught in anyone else’s idea of success or failure. It will give me a chance to test the “verbal chemistry” of those people I might be interested in meeting.  Conversation, writing and dialogue are so important to me that I won’t travel to meet someone until I know that foundation is there. It will give me a chance to pull myself together a little more (take some much needed caving time to think) and examine whatever flaw this is that is preventing me from sharing myself with someone. It will also afford me the opportunity to work up to the idea that “loving someone does not mean the death of all my dreams”. (perhaps that is the primary flaw)

I will travel to the cities with friends or family probably starting in March if there is someone ridiculously interesting to see if there is physical chemistry.  It’s worth it. It’s worth it to know I’ve done everything I can, everything in my power to find something/someone who leaves me – speechless.

So, yeah, this is the plan.  I don’t know if it’s a good plan or a bad plan. It feels spur of the moment but I also know it will take time to unfold.  I’m fine with that as I believe in tension.  I also believe in synchronicity, magic and grace. I know it will happen, but I feel like this is something I should do.

It is a myth, this powerful attraction? Is it Bliss? I don’t know, but I would like try it just to be sure, right?

I was good at loving someone once. I was good at adoring and being best friends. Was there chemistry? To be sure, otherwise I don’t think it would have lasted so long. But when I was a child, I’m not sure I really knew anything beyond wanting the satisfaction of not being alone. I’m not honestly sure that when I got married at 19 that I didn’t marry as much for love as I did because I thought I was supposed to.  I was good at loving once, but I want to be great at it. I was made to love.

I was made for passion, and fire and turbulence. I was made to protect and adore and cherish. So why isn’t it kicking in? Why am I not?

I don’t believe it’s because I was hurt.  I simply don’t believe it, because I learn fast and heal deep and despite the illogic – I open wider and live more freely.  Maybe I’m a masochist but having my heart broken made me want to try again, and do it right – and feel what it must truly be like to have someone love me as much as I love them. It made me want to fly again – because the fall didn’t actually kill me, and I know this time – I can fly higher, faster and with more accuracy.  This time I can do it better and with more passion and vitality because I will do it awake – aware, fully by my choice to jump.

I hereby declare, on the BlissQuest, my decision to open myself to the adventure of love.