From Admiral Fubar - - “So I’ve been kind of avoiding commenting on the whole lovequest thing because I think it’s incredibly risky. But hey, if you don’t bet at poker you won’t win anything.You may have noticed that I like a good chick flick every now and then. I bought Meet Joe Black. I love the way the chick (don’t know her name - not even her character’s name) and Mr. Brad always look at each other like they’re completely amazed by each other. That’s the magic I find that I wish I could have with someone. Anywho, right at the beginning of the movie they spill the plot pretty quick. Sir Anthony asks his daughter if she loves the prick she’s dating. He states he’s worried because of the things she’s not saying. The prick doesn’t bring an ounce of excitement to her or their relationship. Sir Anthony goes on to say that he wants her to find a relationship that excites her, that elevates her, that sweeps her off her feet, makes her sing with rapture and dance like a dervish.I’ve been a bit scared by this whole lovequest thing because you’re my best friend out here. If you find the right dude and end up leaving Portland I would feel like I was floating in the middle of a really big ocean alone. When I first considered the possibility of that happening I almost shat myself. had to look myself in the mirror for a while and remind myself of those ornaments between my legs and that I was a big boy and that I can swim. Then I remembered that, damn it, I want to hear you sing with rapture, I want you to elevate, to be swept off your feet and dance like a dervish! Even if it’s not in Portland and the fact that I don’t trust men with the hearts of my sisters, I want to hear you singing!!! I want to see some crazy dance moves!
And all the while, I just want you to be happy.P.S. I love you.
I hope I spelled “dervish” right.”"
A letter to Admiral Fubar.
I remember when you were a baby and I could carry you around like you weighed nothing. I remember waking up when you had your 2am feedings. I changed your diapers, taught you how to read, know your numbers and throw a ball. I played mother a lot by default when you and Dudey and Jacer were children and mom was in school. I was a mother before I was a woman, so when I needed to become a woman – I went away for awhile and I missed the time you probably needed me most.
Now you are a giant and you carry me around like I weigh nothing. You are a man and it happened while I wasn’t looking. When you laugh I still see the boy in there, but he is trying so hard to be grown up and while I am so proud of that there is also a sadness that you are not mine to nurture anymore. You belong to the world. You belong to yourself.
Your comment made me laugh, and cry and think how lucky I am to have you in my life. Hanging out at the bowling alley last night with you helped me to see how far you’ve come, how much you’ve opened – how fast you have evolved.
Talking with you about the LoveQuest on Friday with PirateLara and Matt and Nick made me a little sad for you – you clearly have never had a good example of what a healthy and beautiful relationship could be.
I know you are angry at men for breaking your sister’s hearts. I know you think that if mom and dad couldn’t do it, and we all couldn’t do it that it can’t be done. Please hear me out.
You were very young when I fell in love. You may remember that I sang with rapture, I was elevated and I danced like a dervish. I was deliriously happy and I enjoyed a good 8 years of happiness. Some people never get that much. Yes, he broke my heart, but Admiral Fubar, he could never have broken my heart had I not loved him so deeply. He could never have wounded me had I not known how powerful it was to give in to that sort of bliss. Even now. Even at this very moment – I say it was worth it. It was worth it to think I would die. It was worth it to believe my heart would stop beating.
I know you are angry with men for hurting us. But there are good men out there. I know you have trouble with that and it seems strange that under the circumstances of my life that I am the one trying to convince you of this – but you’ll just have to take this one from your big sis on faith. Men are fallible, just like women. But under the right circumstances they are honorable, and kind, they are inspiring and compassionate. They are even on occasion – magnificent. And I believe I will find the right one for me. I believe I will sing again and dance and know bliss – furthermore, I believe I will know it better than I ever have before. I believe I will experience it with more passion and grace and beauty that I could have ever imagined.
You are my baby brother. Now you are twice my size but you are still my baby. I will not bail on you. I’m so proud of you for escaping the bubble, for venturing out to spread your wings. I’m so proud of you for being here. I’m not about to leave you hangin’ and if for some reason I’m called away for business or adventure. You will be safe here. This is my home and you are my family. You will be well taken care of. It’s not a big sea here, it’s more like a friendly little pond.
I want you also to know the love song and the elevation. I also want for you to dance like a dervish and know bliss. I’m sorry we were not great examples of that possibility – but I will try – from now on to help you see… it can happen. It wants to happen. I will try to show you that there is such thing as magic.
I love you, little brother. I’m proud of you and I’m not going anywhere right this minute. You’ll just have to take that one on faith too.
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