There is a Pain-in-my-ass. The last year that I’ve occasionally been coming into contact with him – we alternately are civil and combustible around one another.  I can tell he is uncomfortable around me which tends to make me tiptoe or second guess what I say because – well, he seems so fragile compared to my Bull in the China shop approach to living.

His fragility is a false conception, as truly he’s just a scared man with so many insecurities that he seems to psych himself out with his own shadow – but on the occasion that he is in his element – he is truly unstoppable.  A marvel to watch and a wonder to admire. Yin and Yang.  He is in himself – both halves of a coin and I have yet to see him centered.

Ultimately, we end up in a space together and it becomes a challenge because I oscillate between the need to scratch and hiss at him – and pin him against the wall and have my way with his beautiful self.  I think he picks up on something which adds to his uncomfortableness and he challenges me verbally and the game is on. Who’s on top and I simply can’t let myself back down to him. I will not let him have me – or out maneuver me –or win any part of me.  Therein rests the problem. By my very own admission of how hard I fight to stay ahead – it has been consuming my thoughts and therefore, purely by default, he has the edge. He has the edge and I don’t think he actually wants it.  He’s not in to me and not attracted to me.

He freaks me out.

I freak him out.

There doesn’t seem to be a way to win. So I backed out of his social area. Removed myself entirely from the hang-outs where I knew I might accidentally bump into him – then, my friends come over and before I know it, my social circle is a degree of separation from his and they bring his energy, his conflict and his neuroses into my life. 

One night last week after ranting to myself all day about it – it hit me with a sense of sickening dread. I’m attracted to him. By opening myself to the Universe for the LoveQuest, I have also opened up something that I don’t understand and don’t remember how to use. Sexual tension.

Someone said, “Just fuck him and get it over with.” And the earth shifted a little in panic, because up until that moment I thought I was secured safely behind my glass wall of not having a solid physical or emotional response to anyone. I thought I was – or at least I had convinced myself that I was unmovable.

This is good and bad. The good thing is that I am obviously not dead to the response anymore. It’s good that I am aware of the need again and that my chemicals are alive and kicking.

The bad news is it just so happens that it’s the Pain-in-my-ass – he’s a totally inappropriate choice for me and I know it.

So I called Meme for a logic check.  As I started to tell her about him she laughed hysterically at my frustration and pointed out the same dynamic I had with JT when I was 15.  We’d fight like mad then run off to a corner and make out like there was no tomorrow.  We were even pulled apart by teachers in the hall before we started throwing punches and two days later were all over each other in the back of a coffee shop.

Ridiculously, the Pain-in-my-ass is so much like JT from the way he talks, walks and acts that I find myself responding to him like I’ve known him in this role for years.

Finally, in a fit of desperation I asked for advice. I needed perspective.  I’m too old to have some little punk messing with my social circle, fogging my thoughts and raising my blood pressure.

I don’t know how to shut it off so I can go about having a normal conversation with other men. I don’t know how to block his energy from seeping into my space now that I’ve been consciously trying to open my mind to love again. Now that I’ve been working to be in a receiving place – I don’t know how to be more protective without closing right back down again.

It’s like once I opened to the Universe it fucking let in all the riff-raff and now I’m starting to panic and I want to get back to a safe place of inner silence.  I want my control back. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds but – there it is. I want my equilibrium so I can find a healthy co-operative partnership.

My options are thus:

a)      Keep fighting the good fight.

b)      Try to remove myself from the equation even more

c)      Try to manipulate the situation to my advantage.

d)      Let go, and extend the olive branch

I’m not much into manipulation. It makes me feel icky and gross. I’m getting too tired to fight anymore now that I’m aware of what I’ve been struggling against. Removing myself from the equation only works if my friends and social circle will help me keep him out.

So the only solution I really see is to let go.  Take a deep breath and let it out, then extend the hand of friendship that is sincere and void of any expectations.

Then just go where the Universe flows.

I stayed up talking with RoadWarrior again last night. Almost six hours. I fell asleep in the wee hours of morning after laughing hysterically at his stories and feeling like we’d had good developmental conversation.  Obviously after a cumulative 9 hours conversation I can say I kind of dig him.

I’ve also become tragically aware of a major weak spot in my façade – I’m ridiculously prone to being spun out by flattery. 

Damnit! Damn my stupid vanity!

So, here’s the thing. He repeatedly said, “I like the way you think.” Or “You have an amazing mind.” He teased me good naturedly about my tendency to over-think, but would often follow up with, “But I like that you’re a thinker.”

This is soooo not something I am used to hearing. I generally get sighs of frustration, combative arguments, eye rolls and flat out once being asked, “You never even finished college, why do you think you can even have an intelligent conversation about physics?”

I won’t tell you who asked me that one – but his name looks sort of like – Reggiewasanass. So ultimately, the flattery about the way I process and come to conclusions has never really been a focus of positive observation.

At one point RoadWarrior said something like, “I just don’t know how you lasted so long without drugs and alcohol! If I had a brain like yours I’d have been a crack addict by 11 and died of heroin by the time I was 14 and would have thought with my dying breath – - thank god it’s finally over my brain can rest!”

I laughed so damn hard I thought I’d wake Indigo next door.  Nothing like a compliment that comes like a dull sword through the left eyeball.

We talked about things that felt deep and moving on levels that were nicely fulfilling and I’m totally looking forward to chatting with him more.

The interesting thing is this observation.  It’s been so long since I’ve felt sexy and truly vibrant, several months in fact that I tried to pin down why I felt so great this morning. Why did I go to bed smiling and occasionally snickering before sleep claimed me?

Because it’s been a while since I feel like I’ve been treated as a smart, intelligent, independent woman by an intelligent, independent, man– and strangely, that sentiment makes me also feel beautiful… more so than if someone were to compliment my looks.  I feel sexier with a smart compliment than any physical descriptive compliment that can be dished out. It’s an interesting response.

Also, now that I know my foolish Leo weakness for flattery – I’m going to have to fix that so I don’t get all stupid and giggly.

It’s just not dignified.