Trust

The bridge tour was awesome. Then I stood in line with PirateLara in the rain for half an hour to get into the Midnight showing of Big Trouble in Little China at the Bagdad.

You know what Jack Burton always says….

I got interviewed in line for some TV spot – I don’t know what it was but they were asking about Big Trouble in Little China and I swear to god I sounded like a fucking idiot.  Nothing remotely intelligent or funny came out of my mouth, in fact – worse, its sounded like I was trying to be clever and I just wasn’t. Oh, well. I live to be a dork another day.

A fun night ended around 1:30 and I went home exhausted, my mind full of heady thoughts of Kurt Russell sweeping in as Jack Burton.

I stood at the sink brushing my teeth around 2am when suddenly, I burst into tears.  I’d sort of felt it coming throughout the day. Little moments of emptiness that I managed to keep at bay with smiles and movement. But as sleep deprivation and fatigue caught up to me I couldn’t seem to hold it back anymore.

As I crawled into bed I thought about the suddenness of the onslaught and for about five minutes I allowed myself to feel utterly weak.  I try not to indulge it when it happens but evidently it just needed to be felt.  I let myself have the brief fantasy in my mind of being rescued. I let myself have the weakness of thinking how fabulous it would be to have a solid – strong body hold me. I let myself wish for just a moment that I was safely tucked into the chest of someone who would shelter me from the world for just one night.

I cried, wrapped the blankets tighter around my body and drifted off to sleep.  It was just a moment of weakness. A blip. Then it was gone.  For just the night the world felt too big and lonely.

This morning over coffee I’ve been thinking about it. Why, suddenly, did it sneak up on me? Normally I can sense it better and work to avert the need.  Ordinarily, I can adjust my day to do whatever I have to so I can feel self-sufficient and in control of my emotional responses. And while I know it is a strong and very human desire – that need to be close to someone, to feel safe and treasured - I don’t like to acknowledge that I may be needy. I am self-contained and strong and I don’t want a rescuer.

Obviously, I feel better this morning, but the awareness of such a moment of weakness the night before makes me somewhat nervous. It seems that having opened myself up, to the Universe, to the idea of love – to all of it – I have inadvertently brought an awareness to what I lack. My heart remembers what it was like to have that safety. My body remembers what it was like to have that shared space and comfort and my mind remembers companionship. So letting myself be available to that again, has also brought attention to the disparity of what I do not have – but actually want.  Wriggling room in my energetic space has created gaps – gaps that my spirit is uncomfortable with and wants filled.

Currently, I must find a way to make a balance in this being open and receiving – but not needy and grasping.  It’s terrifying. I don’t want to be a woman who wants to be rescued. I don’t want to be the woman who is so self-heavy in her needs she expects others to carry the burden.

But I also don’t want to be inhuman.  I don’t want to be aloof and inflexible – unable to share the weight on the night it gets to be too much.  I don’t want to be calculating and cut-off for fear of being a burden. I am a human being, there will be times when life will overwhelm me and I will seek the shelter of someone’s arms, a deep voice and a powerful embrace – I must make peace with that.

What is also disturbing is that it requires trust. Trust in myself that I suddenly realize I do not have enough of. And trust in others that when it comes to my emotional needs, which I lack pitifully – because I don’t even trust myself.

There is not a person in my immediate space whom I would trust to carry me if for some reason I couldn’t carry myself. Not because they couldn’t do it or wouldn’t happily do it. I know they would.

I simply wouldn’t trust myself enough to let them. No matter how powerful their intentions, how willing they would be – I am more likely to put on a brave face and crawl under a rock until I feel strong enough to venture out again on my own. That’s a terribly isolating and fearful place to be.

I also recognize – it is a fear based pattern that is a residual of much of my life.  My mother treated me like a burden. My ex-husband even told me I was a burden. It’s not as though the fear of such is a surprise. But it does raise the question, how do I conquer this doozy of an obstacle? Clearly it must be tackled if I desire a healthy partnership. Balance is absolutely necessary.

For the first time in my life – I am faced with the possibility that therapy may be helpful. Because, right now – I’m not sure how to trust myself enough to let someone love me, and I don’t trust anyone enough to stay steady while I learn to give myself the benefit of the doubt.

So at this very moment – it seems I am at an impasse, because I am utterly without a plan of action for this one. I am action oriented, and my drawing board is irritatingly blank.