The danger of walking into a story that wasn’t written for you, is that – you either assume the role or discover that the part really was written for you. Sort of that “Bake your noodle” concept from the Oracle.
Anywhoo, I walked into Neverland last February. First star on the right and straight on till morning. Little did I know that I had just stumbled onto an archetypal nest that hasn’t been seen in years.
The lost boys.
Also, little did I know, once you are in Neverland you cannot go home. And if perchance you find a way back to the safety of the real world – you will never again be welcomed by the lost boys.
This dynamic has been catching me in all sorts of turmoil. Logic fails and I chase my tail in circles. Being around the Lost Boys is alternately exhilarating and painful – painful because to watch them is to feel a sadness at how badly they stunt one another’s growth. Enablers.
Quite simply – they cannot leave Neverland, because without them the fantasy will die. They have webbed so tightly to each other’s energy that none are willing to grow up – because they cannot leave the others behind.
As I put this analogy out to a couple of friends and explained my pain/joy of being in Neverland both friends blurted out – so I guess that makes you Wendy.
Suddenly, a problem that his been bothering me for months, condensed into a pinpoint of light and all my emotional roller-coastering made perfect sense.
I am a storyteller. It’s how I relate to the world. It’s how I make sense of the paradox that is life. So I sat down with a pen and paper and began to note this strange tale. Because I firmly believe that stories carry the archetypal myths and imprints that are entirely relatable to current life and that is why they have stayed around in culture for decades and sometimes centuries.
This will be a long post but if you are trapped in the web that is called Chance of Rain, please bear with me and I’ll see if I can help make sense of the toxic lure of Neverland. Allow me to shed light on the metaphor.
Who is Peter Pan? Currenlty, all the Lost Boys are Peter Pan – and yet none of them are. That is partially what makes them so dangerous. They have no clear leadership. Peter Pan was by all accounts a child, but a child with the ability to direct – and the Lost Boys followed.
There is no Peter Pan in this tale of Neverland. Ultimately, this is what also creates the energy from the Lost Boys for a need of leadership, nurturing and if you are a woman trapped in this web – MOTHERING.
Upon landing in Neverland last year, I felt the draw the joy and the desire to be a part of the band of Lost Boys. However, I was also repulsed at the same time for their youth and ideas had peaked the top of their self-made bubble and there would be no room for me to grow. That being said, they gave off a youthful and misdirected energy that appealed to my inner nurturer.
I fell into a role that I didn’t recognize until late last night. A role that I believe many women have fallen into unconsciously, believing it to be infatuation or love or sexual attraction (because it is deeply engaging and powerful). It is also toxic and energetically depleting.
The role of Mother/guide/rescuer.
It is entirely understandable. It is in my nature to see a need and try to fill it. It is in my relationship ability to shape-shift to fit a gap and although Mothering is not in my archetypes I do have the capacity and I do occasionally attempt to be the rescuer.
Once I made the connection I picked apart the story of Peter Pan and discovered that every character in the Café is in fact a part of the greater story as it re-enacts itself in the heart of south east Portland.
There is a Neverland. Six lost boys (to the letter even one in the book is dressed as a Bunny – no guessing who that one is…) There is a Tink. A Tiger Lily. A Captain Hook and Smee. There is no Peter Pan but there are – quite literally DOZENS of Wendy’s. There is even a clock and a crocodile.
Funnier still, each Wendy has picked out a lost boy she believes to be Peter and has attached herself to him in an attempt to provide the sort of energy he seems to need. Myself included.
When I first decided to get to know the Lost Boys and learn all I could about them in order to understand the strange pull I couldn’t put logic to I could find them each – individually beautiful. I am a people watcher and finding that beauty is easy. The thing that makes it all the more difficult for me is this: because they all are – individually blossoming into men, because they are inherently individuals with dreams separate from Neverland, separate from the tribe of Lost Boys. I can see their potential to go out into the world as fully aware men and wreak havoc on a scale of such tremendous and glorious change that I applaud it and cheer it then I watch them return to the tribe and their identity is subsumed by Neverland and their dreams are relinquished for the tribe and they are slowly, painfully, dying inside. Bitterness is turning their boyish good looks into early wrinkles, and the shine in their eyes dim into projected judgments. Which strangely, reinforces the need to be a member of the tribe therefore validating all the choices they have made – because misery loves company.
The kicker is, that apart from the tribe they are creative and talented and charming.
Where does this all fit? If you are one of the dozens of Wendy’s – ask yourself why you think you can save him. Ask yourself if you think you can help him grow up or if you are lured in because you too want to be young forever. Ask yourself if you can truly give in to the dynamic archetype of mothering a lost boy forever without losing yourself to the constant neediness and the shifty personality of someone who wants but does not want.
They can fly, and they are good at taking you with them. But they will only ever fly as far as their own glass bubble. They will only ever fly to the limits of Neverland, because beyond the limits of Neverland they must grow up. They must age. Without them Neverland will die.
For me, the story has reached a climax. I now understand my desire to be included – I was after all, not mothered either and I found solidarity in the cluster of Lost Boys that felt like it was a sustainable energy of mutually exclusive nurturing. I needed even wanted that. I wanted to be young and playful and without responsibility.
But I also eventually began to feel trapped. I wanted out of Neverland, but the Mother in me didn’t want to leave them behind. I realized I was making subtle attempts to teach/reach/guide and nurture. I picked my Peter and wanted him to be able to fly into the real world and become a man.
Selfishly I think I wanted him to be a man so I could be his woman, but I also know that once the mother and puer eternis (boy eternal) have engaged – the dynamic is set in stone and can not ever be concluded in a healthy relationship. It’s a rescuing relationship and empowerment of the lesser individual is rarely ever achieved.
So I find myself writing this blog about my adventures in Neverland. I went in one night and came out nearly a year later. I feel like I’ve had a long sleep and that I haven’t aged for a whole year. I feel like I’ve come home and discovered everything is as I left it, and my spirit had a chance to regain a part of my misplaced childhood – but I am ready to be a woman. I am ready to turn thirty and grow old with someone and have adventures of a different sort. I’m ready to have a relationship with a man who is capable of maturing with me, aging with me. I want a relationship with a man to whom I do not need to be a mother. He is independent and self-sufficient. He does not need a tribe to feel a sense of place or purpose. He does not need a bubble to keep him safe from life. He is powerful enough to venture forth – even if it scares him and make his imprint on the world – good or bad or indifferent, he will try anyway.
I want a man not a boy who thinks he is a man, and therefore I must be willing to be a woman. Not a girl who thinks she is a woman. Not a mother who is looking for validation in a puer eternis.
My adventure in Neverland will be thought upon fondly. I will visit the Lost Boys from time to time and find joy in their young lives. But I choose freedom. I choose to relinquish my Wendy role to girls who want it more than I do. I relinquish my part as a nurturer to those who will pursue it with vigor and passion and who are too young to know it will eventually drain them dry. Let them have it – my life, my destiny is waiting for me.
I hereby shape-shift from the darkness, from the first star on the right, to fly straight home ‘til morning.
21 Comments(+Add)
Go get em’ Athena. We’ll be watching.
“I’m a leaf on the wind…watch how I soar…”
This was an interesting blog and leaves me with a question. Can Lost Boys only forever be part of the tribe or part of the real world? Can there not be a combination of the two? An adult who functions in the real world, takes responsibility, follows and grows their dreams yet at the same time remembers their Lost Boy roots and is capable of flying, fighting pirates and playing tag?
Hello Johnathan!
Welcome to the BlissQuest!
I’m glad you made it
Hi Cubby!
Welcome to the BlissQuest!
I whole-heartedly believe that Lost Boys can be a productive and functional duality between eternal youth and adulthood. That fact that it can be done is not a question in my mind at all.
And because I believe it can be done - flying, fighting pirates, playing tag AND being a part of the real world… I have an enourmous amount of curiosity to watch and see what will happen to MY Lost Boys. Will they embrace the duality or reject it?
May fairy dust keep you flying, and may home give you a place to rest when you are tired of playing.
So…
It’s strange.
Reading your blog it’s as if I’ve seen it before…because what you write is very similar to feelings and thoughts that I have had in the past. Had very strongly. It’s been a recalcitrant, maddening ride somewhere along the lines of ‘you made me love you and i didn’t wannt do it’. It took me a long time to admit and see, I not only asked for every ounce of it, but I persuaded various levels of guarded, cautious and inquisitive hearts to willingly offer and give it up. (Just the other night one of them drunkenly murmured that I had connivingly wiggled my way into their hearts, with a big hug). And it’s just recently occured to me (with confirmation from a great gal I know who read my cards) that it’s time for me to take responsibility.
So it’s strange. Because all that you write, I recognize, for I’ve been there before. Two things startle me however, and they are this: 1) I came across similar feelings and thoughts after developing deep, intimate relationships with them.
You, wonderful lady, have come to these conclusions before developing deep, intimate relationships with them.
2) These similar thoughts and feelings were a part of the process of furthering these deep and intimate relationships (a cross-roads, per se, for I could have cut ties and burned bridges at this point) and I no longer feel this way about them.
Your similar thoughts and feelings seem to be an excuse for you to stay at periphery level with them and, perhaps even more important, actually keep them from wanting to develop any kind of close relationship with you.
I have known these people for almost three years. Like a whirlwind, I was picked up, taken in and left in a whirl and fury of deep love, maddening interpersonal dynamics and yucky realizations–about me, them and the human condition.
I know you think the women have taken up the role of Wendy, and perhaps we/they all have in the beginning…but I very gingerly and politely point out that with all your observant insight, there is one space with all these boys that you cannot have seen.
The space that exists once you move past the wendy/lost boys roles.
What lies past such a periphery phase, when you are invited in? What happens when both sides drop these archetype/gender roles? What is there?
The Wendy/Lost Boy metaphor works, but only before trust, true understanding and most of all–acceptance and unconditional love. Before hours of heavy conversation, emotional catharsis, meaningful silences, the unbelievable trust in surrendering completely to a hug or laying together on a couch all day long, enraged fuck you’s, secrets told, moving past pride to be able to rely and depend….to have faith (not hope, but faith) that one of them might come riding his bike in the pouring rain at night without a moment’s hesitation to help you with your car. And leave just as quickly with a hug and ‘no problem’.
I have known these boys for almost three years. I have gotten more intimate with every them then any other men in my life..I love them and care about them, especially a choice few who I have opened up to and have opened up to in ways that I didn’t know could happen between two human beings. A couple of them, one who might not be in the core 6, have held emotional space for me and challenged me to look at the truths I would rather have reflected as their flaws. With a couple of them, I have cried gut-wrenching sobs out asking for forgiveness, only to cry harder when it was given to me without even a moment’s hesitation. Some of them have trusted me enough to let me hold emotional space for them.
To see past the Wendy’s/Lost Boys would require letting yourself in beyond what you have. And to be invited in to perhaps create relationships beyond what you have, you’ll probably have to see past them as Lost Boys. You call them boys, and they are. But I think we all know they are beyond their years in emotional intelligence and intuition (even if they repress it), and nobody wants to let in someone who has decided they are a ‘Lost Boy’.
Not just with these Lost Boys, but with the Wendy’s too. Have you thought about trying to connect with any of these core Wendy’s that have known them for years? When I first met these people, the women intrigued me as much as the men and through that, I have formed deep bonds with them, as well. They are beautiful, amazingly strong women. One of them (perhaps the oldest Wendy, or the one that’s been around the longest) unexpectedly reached out to me when I first met her and has since become one of my closest girlfriends. I know you pride yourself as an insightful observationist (and you are) but you will have to go beyond observation for research sake. And since none of them will open up if they feel you are just sniffing around because you’re curious, you best be willing and open to get swept up in the whirlwind…or leave this case at rest and move on.
I say this all because very recently, just in the last couple of months, I’ve come to terms with the fact that most of my problems I had encountered amidst these loved ones lied deeply embedded in my inability to accept them as they are, coming from a complete lack of faith. You say you see people acting as sounding boards to stay the same, that promote the status quo and stagnation, but I implore you to look beyond the surface to see what’s going on beneath that. To take off the lens at which you are approaching it (the Athena lens with the Athena past, beautiful yet ill-equipped for the dynamics of people you still have yet to know, for they were molded by others times and places)…and to have faith that you were drawn to them for a reason. They perhaps, if you look past what you see now, offer more to you than the petty fulfillment of classic and ancient archetype roles. Perhaps the challenge isn’t leaving it all, bewildered and shaking your head, but staying and going in for the ride. Open heart and open mind.
Weren’t you just writing about trust? And not trusting yourself and others to be with you in a place when you are exploring and adjusting…realizing and exploring? I tell you from experience, there is a group of people no better suited for such a time. Not because they are so perfect, but because they are so perfectly flawed, and know it and accept it. In themselves, and in each other…you understand the kind of space this allows people to work in, don’t you? You see stagnation, but it also allows growth. It’s just kind of weird. And probably temporary.
I know you think that perhaps I went in like Wendy, and I’ll admit I have gone through Wendy phases in the past, but when I first met them…I went in like Alice. Curious, and accepting of all the oddities and profundities around me. Down the rabbit hole and through the looking glass.
I just went through the looking glass, into the image that’s been reflected to me, but for some reason…I think you still have yet to plunge into the rabbit hole. Expectations, agenda, and reasoning aside…only curiosity as your drive.
Athena, I love you. But I sincerely feel that it is time to get out of your head, and let go of expectations based on stereotypical classifications of people. I think that your break down of other people, their actions/reactions, and your reactions to them severely restricts and ostracizes you. It also creates more inner conflict for you, as opposed to taking things at face value and accepting them as is without breaking it down and psycho-analyzing things (as I myself have a tendency to do). I think its time to let go. This doesnt mean break away from the peope you care about, or change your social circles, but simply release your focus on why things are the way they are and just accept it. Its not that simple I’m sure. But you are an amazing woman, with qualities very few have. You are worthy of much more than you recieve, so I think you need to ask yourself why it is so important to you that these people in particular realize you in all your glory?
Nathania, beautiful and wise, you have fabulous points that I will have to consider and ponder. You have me by the short and curly hairs because you know exactly what I told you about trust. So I will have to think carefully on your comment.
You have a lot of light. Thank you!
Lara, generous and fair, you are more lovely than I think most casual people will ever understand or know. You are of course, right – I do ostracize myself by over thinking and over analyzing. I live in my head because it is safe in there and most things have an order and make sense. You are open and forgiving of almost anything and for that I adore you – such optimism is hard not to be attracted to.
“You are worthy of much more than you recieve, so I think you need to ask yourself why it is so important to you that these people in particular realize you in all your glory?”
A very good question. One that brings me to this, “You are worthy of much more than you receive”. I believe, and feel confident that I have given as much as I can (with perhaps a few points from Nathania that I must consider) but ultimately, per the output of energy versus the sustainability of the effort of being both a patron, a friend, a willing ear or a confidante, a woman who inquires to their day and life with compassion and hope for their well-being (despite the cranky or irritable responses and lack of reciprocation), a silent cheerleader to their success… I have, quite simply, run dry. I have nothing left to give them without going into deficit of what I can replace by myself.
http://theblissquest.com/blog/2007/11/26/selfish-test/
Ultimately, I know you are right. I think too much. I live in my head with antiquated stereotypical concepts of behavior. I hate to fall into the justification pit of doom, but organizing and processing is sort of all I have left when emotion just clusterfucks the hell out of everything. You are wise beyond your years, Lara, and I see a fabulous light-filled future for you.
This blog has been my theory. The only way to validate or discard the theory is to have it tested. It will either stand up or collapse under the challenge.
I always love a good challenge.
Speaking as a man who refuses to grow up, though not (as far as I know) one of the Lost Boys of which you speak so eloquently, I have to say that it’s not that bad living in Neverland.
But I think I function well in the real world, too. I think my friends like the fact that I bring a little bit of Neverland and make-believe to the otherwise gritty and harsh and unfair world we all have to live in.
As lovely as the metaphor of “Lost Boys” and “Wendys” is, though, it’s just a metaphor. It may help you organize your thoughts and feelings, but it’s important to remember that the people of which you speak are actual flesh-and-blood people, men and women with rich inner lives and feelings themselves, and whose inner motivations for doing and being in the world may not match up to the label you’ve hung on them.
I can’t think of a diplomatic way to say this, but when I read what you write about men, I feel as though you’re forcing them into one or the other mold, either “Lost Boy” or “Action Hero”. When you write about your Love Quest, the man you describe is just as much a fantasy stereotype as the “Lost Boy” you write about here. The “Action Hero” is dark and brooding and passionate and fights and loves and yet is always in complete control of his emotions at all times, and you love him and give yourself completely to him but somehow remain separate. I know I’ve also previously remarked on the readiness on the part of your “Action Hero” archetype to face death and die along with you facing off against the multitudes…
A nice metaphor, but if that’s what you’re seeking, you won’t ever find it, because the planet is filled with regular ol’ human beings, not archetypes.
Reading others comments, from folk who seem to know you better than I, I don’t think I’m saying anything that others don’t see, either. So perhaps I’m not adding anything to the discussion, but hey, I like fitting in and being part of the group.
At first I wasn’t even sure I “got” your post enough to comment, or if I had anything to contribute that would be different than anyone else has said. But, then it hit me!
I often times feel as if I have one foot in, and one foot out…of reality, or really, of any given situation.
From what I’ve read, that’s the impression I’m getting from this post. Jump in, darlin’! You just might have some fun while you’re learning something!
EEK! I cant read the comments, or your reply to my comment! All I can do is write another one…telling you I cant read them…stupid computers.
Hi Brian,
“A nice metaphor, but if that’s what you’re seeking, you won’t ever find it, because the planet is filled with regular ol’ human beings, not archetypes.”
met-a-phor
Welcome to the group
Hey erraberra,
I love having one foot in and one foot out. I’m not so good at the jumping in thing.
The water doesn’t feel fine
Lara dearest!
I don’t know what you can’t see the comments!
Stupid Computers!!
yes and yes and yes to all the comments, but I will point this out in return:
Yes we are humans, but sometimes we cannot be humans in the same circle.
Yes, we need to accept people for who they are, but part of that sometimes is saying “you are this, I care about you, but I do not want to enable that, or be a part of it.”
There is a difference between seeing that in the end you do fit in and enjoy it and seeing that you dont WANT to fit in.
I think that, -for you- honestly, this is the best course.
Yes, it is your habit to keep yourself at the periphery, yes you are basing these judgments on that space you exist in.
But just because you are partially responsible for your perspective doesn’t mean its wrong. Just because you are not fully engaging and therefore making this choice from that place doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
And just because you are Wendy doesn’t mean that you are not strong, if you go read the book wendy is a very strong independant beautiful woman who eventually makes a difficult choice because it is what is right for her. Honestly, I’d be more worried about Tinks than her.
But maybe you don’t WANT to be Wendy. Period. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I think that to get into that group can be very beautiful and fulfilling, but it can alslo be very cancerous…and only you can make that choice.
Of course they are beautiful and strong, of course they have redeeming qualities, if they weren’t or didn’t they wouldn’t draw so many people to them, but if you think the best thing is to disentangle, honestly, I think so too.
I will talk to you more about this when I am not slightly fever-delirious but I wanted to put that in as one of the “Wendys” who was trapped, and had to leave to be able to come back as a useful and unabused person.
I wanted to put that in as a response to some of the other comments.
You speak in a way that assumes that the people you are speaking to understand that this is a generalization, a metaphor, you speak in a way that assumes that the people you are talking to know you and know you are not going to jump to conclusions, or know there are exceptions so you don’t feel the need to point those exceptions out. I do the same thing, and like me, sometimes it comes to bite you in the ass, because when you speak of sensitive things people have a tendency to lash out a little bit with “but did you think of this”. Which is completely understandable, but you did think of that. I know you, I know you did.
and so no.
not a bad judgment call.
PS:
yes you can be a lost boy AND a man, but there are two ways it can go.. one it works and one it doesn’t:
It tends to not work when emotionally you are a boy and practically you are a man..I’m sure we are all intelligent enough for me to not have to explain why.
It tends to work when emotionally you are a man and bottom line you are a man (ie get your bills paid etc) but you still have the ability to play. You retain the youthful joy.
and I’d argue that that is still fully a man. Who says men as adults have to stop loving legos and exploring?
Why is that “boyish” things?
There is a difference between being a grownup and an adult, I want to be an adult but not a grownup!
Take case in point: My father. My father is the best example of a youthful wonderful playful, maddeningly boyish person, who still is one of the strongest, most mature and supportive person emotionally that I’ve ever met.
And I’m not just saying that because he’s my father, I’m saying it because that may mean something to Athena.
It may mean something to you because he povides a template…
wow, i just realized that my first comment was like “run run” it was not meant to be that way..I just wanted to say that if you feel this is right, then it probably is..my arguments toward other commenters points were thought-points, not “get the hell away”! I’m sure you knew this, because you know me, but since I can’t talk this is the most I’ve said all day and you know how that can make you not get things across right..or need to clarify..or get paranoid!
Megan, you brilliant fairy-queen you. I love you.
Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for being in on the back-story. Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt that I am not casting a judgment that is an end all be all condemnation.
It is just what is right for me and me alone to step back and let them be. Be uninterrupted. Be youthful. Be gloriously free and young. Just BE. I will admire and adore – but I do not want to engage. I can appreciate it – but I do not need to be a part of it. I do not need to be tangled in the web to be able to marvel at its intricacy and beauty.
Thank you for understand that and for helping me to express what I evidently did not say well with my metaphor. Thank you for knowing it was a generalization that has many-many exceptions and that I mistakenly assumed everyone already knew that.
I hope that I am the kind of person that can admit when I am wrong. I say “oops, my bad” many times a week or “I haven’t thought of it that way.” Several times a day. I am not above evolving my viewpoints or comprehending that I may not have all the answers.
The best I can do is find a place to start and work it from that point forward.
That being said, I have thought of most of the comments before. They are not new to me, and my concept of what feels right to my life was not formed willy-nilly.
IT WAS ONLY A DIFFICULT DECISION BECAUSE I LIKE THEM SO MUCH.
The process will still live through evolution. It’s not as though I will never see them again. I am only acknowledging that my place is not in Neverland. A stop in here or there or a game of pool from time to time. A pitcher of beer or a drink at the bar. One on one or two at a time.
But I feel secure in my understanding that what is best for my wellbeing is not to share space with the collective. Six or more energies at once are too much for me.
I think I’m strong, but I’m not Superwoman.
Also, I love your dad. He is one of the best examples of a healthy Puer Eternis I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. You are right, he is a good template. The next time you talk to him, tell him I said hi and that I can’t wait to squish him like crazy.
I didn’t get the “run away” vibe at all. I picked up the “do what’s right by you” vibe. You don’t have to worry. I got everything you said and all of what I think you meant by it as well!
I’m sorry you are sick and feel ucky. I hope you feel better soon.
And Megan, thank you for understanding my language. It’s reassuring to know that someone out there hears fairytale and can speak it right back.
XOXO
It is truly sad when boys grow up and forget about Neverland. I think it’s the fear of becoming one of those serious ultra-responsible bores that makes boys never want to leave Neverland. Achieving the balance is the ultimate goal - a goal that constantly shifts and adjusts as our lives change.
Harley, I agree it is sad when they forget. It is almost equally as sad when they never find the balance. I think you’ve found a delicate and beautiful balance, Harley
How are you doing these day? I miss you
By the way, its the Second star to the right…