Yesterday I was feeling particularly fragile. I suspect it has to do with not feeling at my peak but the point is, I really wanted someone to share space with. A body next to me on the rug by the fire reading a book or under the covers while watching a movie. Despite knowing a dozen people who would happily come snuggle with a sicky – I didn’t call anyone. I thought about it. A lot. But I couldn’t think of anyone, and let me explain I wanted male energy rather than female energy ( I had plenty of female energy and needed more grounding), I cannot think of any men I would feel comfortable seeing me or being near me in a “fragile” state of emotion.Why?
Why don’t I trust that still? Is it that I don’t trust myself not to lean on someone? Is it that I worry about being weak? I really don’t know. I don’t trust anyone to hold me when I need to be held – so I hide until the need lessens. Which is sort of stupid being that – most guys I know would be happy to lend a shoulder to cuddle with.
I was thinking yesterday – that’s kind of sad. I am not weak, so why do I fear showing vulnerability? Just one of those pesky observations. Sort of tragic that I don’t let people any closer. Lots of people in my sphere. Lots of people I love and who love me. But no one in my actual bubble. And I cannot exactly explain why.
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