I can’t believe I was 25 before I figure this out about my own father. His show of love has always been to serve. To do for me or my siblings what he can. Not to cuddle and hold or snuggle so much, but to encourage us to be independent – then provide a simple deed like changing the oil or providing haven as a complimentary act to support our own attempts to be individuals.

My dad opens my car door for me because he loves me, and because I love him – I wait while he shuffles ahead and I thank him every time.

I have a bone to pick with Chivalry, and when I use the term Chivalry I am also using it to include manners, generosity and common decency.

I am, to my very core, a tragically-optimistic romantic. I’m suffering my first big lapse of faith, but the fact remains, I was and always have been a romantic. I’d read trash romance like some kids my age were reading comic-books. I kept stacks of Harlequin books in brown paper bags under my bed like I was stashing porn. I faked sickness to stay home from school and read because I loved – LOVED the worlds of historical romance, high courts and storybook chivalry.

Despite fantasizing that I’d be the warrior woman rather than the damsel, I always –without exception imagined I would have the epic love. The greater than fiction romance.

Enter the doomed specter of Chivalry, stage left.

Chivalry, at its very core, from the legends of Arthur and the heroes of yore –when the mistrals sang of Chivalry and the poets immortalized the acts of Chivalry they were talking about acts of service out of love. Not acts of service out of obligation. Not acts of service out of the hope of gain. It was service to a leader, to the poor or the weak or to women and children.

As much as it grates on me to say it, women are often thought of as the “gentle or fairer sex”. Because of the role of women, in the dawn of the age of Chivalry – I believe it is fair to say, that such acts of service were often necessary to the survival of women in a man’s world.

Fade to the modern era.

Women are no longer damsels. We have not such restrictions, or necessities.  We still live in a man’s world but it is changing to become more equal. I believe that over the last 40 years, the nature of Chivalry has changed from an act of service out of love or survival to an act of obligation. A sense of duty or societal expectations. Or as it was said, a “knee-jerk reaction” based on primary programming.  Chivalry in it truest incarnation is rare, and must be performed with conscious intent. Unconscious chivalry is not chivalry, it is habit.

I am not above having my door opened or my tab picked up.  I am not above having help with my car or whatever – but I spent 10 years with a man who was raised with Southern manners and because it was a knee-jerk reaction for him to “caretake” it eventually left me feeling like I had to be helpless to keep him feeling “useful”.  Ultimately, this was a tremendous burden to both of us. I am not helpless by nature or desire. In fact I feel my most alive when I am free to act independently.  I believe through my experiences, that a man who does not consciously choose to support my independence and cultivate his acts of chivalry as icing on the cake will eventually feel taken advantage of because he will ultimately be putting out more energy and resources than he can comfortably sustain and it will eventually backfire on everyone involved.

It’s all well and good that a guy puts his jacket over the puddle for the lady to step across – that is until he dies of hypothermia and leaves behind a widow with children.

Anywhoo, the flip side of this problem is that there ARE women who expect this. There are women who are comforted by the unconscious Chivalry and pampering and because it is hard for men to know – they err on the side of caution.  Better to open the door and get bitched at by a feminist than not to open the door and get dissed by a girl he likes.

There is just no way to win – poor Chivalrous dudes. No way to win.

But as I mentioned I am a romantic, so how can this be? Doesn’t it create a conflicting message that I am such a fan of romance and yet, obviously not a fan of Chivalry?

Not so.

Romance at its very foundation is mutual respect and nurturement. It is attraction and passion and the symbiotic empowerment of both individuals and their greater purpose. In the stories that are most fitting of true romance there is never a woman who is capable of caring for or rescuing herself – who chooses not to in favor of helplessness. Ever. In the most powerful romantic stories, a woman never expects Chivarly.  It is not an entitlement. It is not a birthright to receive it. It is an offer, that when granted consciously and without strings – truly unconditional, it is a gift. A service.

To be fair and equal, women are just as capable of Chivalry.  In fact, in the stories, women who find themselves on the receiving end of Chivalrous acts are often just as Chivalrous in their own rights. The dual nature of rescue. The dual nature of deeds of service. This is often over-looked or underappreciated just as a hardcore feminist is fast to respond to a service as a declaration of implied ineptitude, an insecure man is fast to take a female act of Chivalry as a challenge to his masculinity.

To make a long story short… too late…

I want to say that I find for myself, that the greatest compliment – the most romantic gestures are those that are given thoughtfully. With such thoughts factoring in my nature as an individual and as a woman of strength and creativity.  Then allow me to return the favor and receive the acts in whatever way works best – meaning without expectation as to how I will use it or how much I will appreciate it.

If a man throws his jacket over a puddle for me, I reserve the right to kiss his cheek – adore the effort, then retrieve the jacket for the dry cleaners and traipse through the mud of my own volition.

I may be wrong, I don’t know, but this is how Romance feels to me. True Chivalry is not an antiquated sexist social-trap, but the modern incarnation has become a toxic commercialized expectation. And because of this – I wait. I get to know a man, his motivations and sense of honor.  I wait to learn his energy and ideals a little before I put myself in a position wherein I may inadvertently find myself vulnerable to his need to be a hero, and when all that checks out – I will happily engage in the dance.

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just hard to find in its truest and greatest form. Perhaps then, that is why I seem to be going through my first lapse in faith.

Soapbox ended.