03.27.08
Chivalry
My dad still opens my car door for me. I used to get irritated that he’d asked me to slow down so he could get to it first – even though he’d had surgery on his feet and moved with pain. I didn’t want him making the effort on my behalf. Then as I got older and started to understand that it wasn’t about obligation, it was his small act of love. Chivalry.
I can’t believe I was 25 before I figure this out about my own father. His show of love has always been to serve. To do for me or my siblings what he can. Not to cuddle and hold or snuggle so much, but to encourage us to be independent – then provide a simple deed like changing the oil or providing haven as a complimentary act to support our own attempts to be individuals.
My dad opens my car door for me because he loves me, and because I love him – I wait while he shuffles ahead and I thank him every time.
I have a bone to pick with Chivalry, and when I use the term Chivalry I am also using it to include manners, generosity and common decency.
I am, to my very core, a tragically-optimistic romantic. I’m suffering my first big lapse of faith, but the fact remains, I was and always have been a romantic. I’d read trash romance like some kids my age were reading comic-books. I kept stacks of Harlequin books in brown paper bags under my bed like I was stashing porn. I faked sickness to stay home from school and read because I loved – LOVED the worlds of historical romance, high courts and storybook chivalry.
Despite fantasizing that I’d be the warrior woman rather than the damsel, I always –without exception imagined I would have the epic love. The greater than fiction romance.
Enter the doomed specter of Chivalry, stage left.
Chivalry, at its very core, from the legends of Arthur and the heroes of yore –when the mistrals sang of Chivalry and the poets immortalized the acts of Chivalry they were talking about acts of service out of love. Not acts of service out of obligation. Not acts of service out of the hope of gain. It was service to a leader, to the poor or the weak or to women and children.
As much as it grates on me to say it, women are often thought of as the “gentle or fairer sex”. Because of the role of women, in the dawn of the age of Chivalry – I believe it is fair to say, that such acts of service were often necessary to the survival of women in a man’s world.
Fade to the modern era.
Women are no longer damsels. We have not such restrictions, or necessities. We still live in a man’s world but it is changing to become more equal. I believe that over the last 40 years, the nature of Chivalry has changed from an act of service out of love or survival to an act of obligation. A sense of duty or societal expectations. Or as it was said, a “knee-jerk reaction” based on primary programming. Chivalry in it truest incarnation is rare, and must be performed with conscious intent. Unconscious chivalry is not chivalry, it is habit.
I am not above having my door opened or my tab picked up. I am not above having help with my car or whatever – but I spent 10 years with a man who was raised with Southern manners and because it was a knee-jerk reaction for him to “caretake” it eventually left me feeling like I had to be helpless to keep him feeling “useful”. Ultimately, this was a tremendous burden to both of us. I am not helpless by nature or desire. In fact I feel my most alive when I am free to act independently. I believe through my experiences, that a man who does not consciously choose to support my independence and cultivate his acts of chivalry as icing on the cake will eventually feel taken advantage of because he will ultimately be putting out more energy and resources than he can comfortably sustain and it will eventually backfire on everyone involved.
It’s all well and good that a guy puts his jacket over the puddle for the lady to step across – that is until he dies of hypothermia and leaves behind a widow with children.
Anywhoo, the flip side of this problem is that there ARE women who expect this. There are women who are comforted by the unconscious Chivalry and pampering and because it is hard for men to know – they err on the side of caution. Better to open the door and get bitched at by a feminist than not to open the door and get dissed by a girl he likes.
There is just no way to win – poor Chivalrous dudes. No way to win.
But as I mentioned I am a romantic, so how can this be? Doesn’t it create a conflicting message that I am such a fan of romance and yet, obviously not a fan of Chivalry?
Not so.
Romance at its very foundation is mutual respect and nurturement. It is attraction and passion and the symbiotic empowerment of both individuals and their greater purpose. In the stories that are most fitting of true romance there is never a woman who is capable of caring for or rescuing herself – who chooses not to in favor of helplessness. Ever. In the most powerful romantic stories, a woman never expects Chivarly. It is not an entitlement. It is not a birthright to receive it. It is an offer, that when granted consciously and without strings – truly unconditional, it is a gift. A service.
To be fair and equal, women are just as capable of Chivalry. In fact, in the stories, women who find themselves on the receiving end of Chivalrous acts are often just as Chivalrous in their own rights. The dual nature of rescue. The dual nature of deeds of service. This is often over-looked or underappreciated just as a hardcore feminist is fast to respond to a service as a declaration of implied ineptitude, an insecure man is fast to take a female act of Chivalry as a challenge to his masculinity.
To make a long story short… too late…
I want to say that I find for myself, that the greatest compliment – the most romantic gestures are those that are given thoughtfully. With such thoughts factoring in my nature as an individual and as a woman of strength and creativity. Then allow me to return the favor and receive the acts in whatever way works best – meaning without expectation as to how I will use it or how much I will appreciate it.
If a man throws his jacket over a puddle for me, I reserve the right to kiss his cheek – adore the effort, then retrieve the jacket for the dry cleaners and traipse through the mud of my own volition.
I may be wrong, I don’t know, but this is how Romance feels to me. True Chivalry is not an antiquated sexist social-trap, but the modern incarnation has become a toxic commercialized expectation. And because of this – I wait. I get to know a man, his motivations and sense of honor. I wait to learn his energy and ideals a little before I put myself in a position wherein I may inadvertently find myself vulnerable to his need to be a hero, and when all that checks out – I will happily engage in the dance.
Chivalry is not dead, it’s just hard to find in its truest and greatest form. Perhaps then, that is why I seem to be going through my first lapse in faith.
Soapbox ended.
Nelli Vanderburg said,
March 27, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Chivalry today is, I think, allowing the man ahead of you to open the door, then going ahead of him and holding open the SECOND door (or vice versa).
I don’t think I’ve ever had someone open my car door for me, and I’d probably feel a little uncomfortable at first, for the same reasons as you; I’m capable of opening the door myself, so why don’t I?
But at the same time, I appreciate the idea that a man may wish to do that himself, for the sake of manners.
And I still like romance novels. *sheepish grin*
SummitSummit said,
March 28, 2008 at 6:28 am
I rather like the double door scenario. It is rather difficult to try to hold open both sets of doors if the person for whom you are doing so is not patient. I don’t believe I’ve ever had a woman hold open the second door for me. I’ll have to run a few experiments and see how it works out.
A coworker of mine really made me laugh when she told me some of what I had forgotten after a rough night of drinking when we were on a business trip. We left the hotel lounge we were drinking at to head back to our hotel and it was rather cold outside. All she had to do was wrap her arms around herself in a “I’m cold” fashion and both I and one of my other coworkers had our jackets off and on to her before she could blink. I don’t really remember as too much drink seems to shut down my long term memory but it does seem like something I would do whether I was drunk or not.
Epiphany said,
March 28, 2008 at 7:52 am
I think you’re right, Athena, it definitely depends a lot on intention. I open doors for people all the time…and last time I checked I wasn’t a guy, which kind of rules out the older notions of chivalry. I was taught that a lot of it was just common politeness.
I definitely agree that guys can’t win. Whether or not you need or appreciate a guy picking up a check or opening a door for you…I could never understand women who get mad at guys for it. If it’s not inconveniencing you in any way, who cares if a guy opens the door? Yelling at him is, in my opinion, closed-minded and abrasive when there’s no need to be. I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy who, when asks, says “why yes, I opened the door for that woman because I’m pretty sure her feeble mind can’t handle doing it on her own.”
Basically I think chivalry is fine…paying for a meal, opening a door, whatever…as long as a guy doesn’t have a problem with it going the other way. I reserve the right to open a door for HIM, or pay for a meal, etc. I guess that makes me an equal opportunity chivalrist
Lara said,
March 28, 2008 at 8:06 am
Hmmm I am more inclined to say that chivalry today is more a sign of affection, but more than that, a sign of respect.
On another note, we work hard as a whole to maintain our individuality and our independence. It is easier for some than others, but on the whole it is hard work to make sure that you are not stepped and trampled over in this world. To make sure that your voice is heard, and that your actions are seen and recognized or in your case, make sure that you are not caged in the middle of nowheresland for 10 years of your life.
So when someone comes along, and they WANT to open the door for you, let them. Allow yourself a break, and know that no one is stepping on you, they are show their respect and holding out a helping hand. Use it to your advantage and feel like the feminine and attractive goddess that you are. You forget that men need to feel masculine as well.
I very much enjoy it when a man does these things for me. I like to have my cigarette lit before my hand even reaches for my own lighter, to have someone walk on the street side of the sidewalk, open doors, pick up the tab (not always, money is a strange thing in itself) etc. I like it just as much as being cradled in someones arms because the way I see it is, if someone is taking the time to do these things for me, whether consiously or not, I must be worthy of it. That is a huge compliment in itself.
…. And thats all I have to say about that.
Athena said,
March 28, 2008 at 8:45 am
Nelli, I totally agree.
I always open the second door. IT’s funny because often, when I open the second door men are surprised and don’t know what to do. Then they either burst through it like they think I’m going to shut it on them or they double hold it -insisting I let go and go first.
Amusing.
Athena said,
March 28, 2008 at 8:49 am
SummitSummit,
That’s hysterical! IT’s so surprising sometimes as a woman - the act or the Chivalry happens so suddenly like that that you don’t know what to do.
On multiple occasions I’ve mentioned that my hands are cold and before I have a chance to react, my hands are snatched up and wrapped in some guys hands while he’s blowing on them and rubbing them and it’s all I can do to gently pull them back and stick them in my pockets.
I’ve goten the coat thing mulitple times and admittedly, I will often wear the coat because it smells like someone I like.
Athena said,
March 28, 2008 at 8:52 am
Epiphany, I love that you are an equal opportunity Chivalrist!
So far I’m not sure the point is really getting picked up on with the INTENT. So thanks for mentioning that.
Athena said,
March 28, 2008 at 9:04 am
Lara, darling, you are so often right and I value your input a lot on the BlissQuest.
I agree that Chivalry can be affection or respect, and when I sense that is what the intention is - I will admittedly find a great deal of pleasure in the acts of Chivalry that come my way.
What I struggle with the most are the “chivalrous acts” that are shots for brownie-points, ulteriour motives and percieved actions with the intent on gain in the future of my good graces.
I can sense the obvious ones right away. But when a guy is acting subconsciously and is not even aware of what his hidden desires are for the action or the latent expectation - those are the ones I can’t see or read and why it takes me time to be able to accept them.
When I believe it is pure affection or respect in some form - I will gladly and whole-heartedly enjoy the sharing of Chivalry with someone who will accept it from me as well. It is fun and I do enjoy it -when it is done with clear and beautiful intent.
Epiphany said,
March 28, 2008 at 10:55 am
I thought I would add…I do have one pet peeve that could loosely be considered chivalry. I do NOT like getting the girlie handshake. What I mean is, when I shake hands with a guy I have a firm handshake and I expect one in return. Obviously no, I don’t want my hand crushed…but then neither do most guys. But I also don’t want to feel like holding onto their hand for a second is difficult because they’re shaking my hand as if it was an empty eggshell or something.
I’ve had a couple of guys do this to me in a work environment, and either by coincidence or not these were both also guys who proceeded to underestimate my intelligence in various ways.
Is this something guys are taught when they attend ‘handshake class’? That it’s not okay to shake a woman’s hand the way you would a man’s? It just always seemed weird to me, and it’s an instant aversion when I meet a guy and he does that.
Am I the only one?
Lara said,
March 28, 2008 at 10:58 am
A weak handshake usually has nothing to do with you. It is however, very telling for whomever it is you are shaking hands with.
If it was because of “chivalry”, id say thats pretty lame. You are supposed to put your character into a handshake.
Athena said,
March 28, 2008 at 11:16 am
I SO TOTALLY AGREE ABOUT HANDSHAKES!
Per the post on hands
”They don’t have to be beautiful hands. They don’t have to be manicured or even rugged working man’s hands. They don’t need to be a certain nail bed or size. But they must be sincere.
I don’t believe hands lie. Hands are at the mercy of their master’s subconscious. They respond to danger or to wanting because the subconscious mind responds. They are threatening or comforting. They support the function of everyday living, loving and the struggle to survive. They can be gentlemanly or roughish, heartfelt or heartless. They are, in essence, the extension of a man’s deeper understanding of the world.
When he reaches out to shake a hand, he is reaching out with his comprehension to test his own inner theories and see where he stands with the person who accepts the challenge of a handshake. Ultimately, when I shake hands with a man he either tries to crush my bones (dominate me) or he gently holds my hand like a wilted flower (thinks I’m fragile). Guys with hearty hands and grips that are conscious of me as I am – are usually the best matches for friends or lovers because they are aware on some level what I am about and they are okay with that on whatever level they are about. “
Harley said,
March 28, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I remember seeing an elderly man open the car door for his wife. It was really touching. They had probably been together for decades, and still he does this little gesture. I used to see it as something men did because they considered women too weak to do it themselves. After watching the elderly couple, I saw it more as mini ceremony, done to show love. After that, I always held car doors open for women. Sometimes they turn the tables and do it back - it’s only fair.
Chadely said,
March 28, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Hmm…I must be a modern man…. I am polite, but i dont open car doors…of course i have been with Mare for 7 years. Even in the past, i think i would have shoved Athy in a puddle before putting my nice duster in it. But the way i see it, if i love someone, i treat them as an equal. If i am going into a building and i see someone ten feet back, i will open the door and wait for them, be it man or woman. It just makes sense opening the door once rather then them trying to catch the door as it closes.
Athena said,
March 28, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Harley, I’ve never thought about it like a mini ceremony.
I like that.
I think I will have to think about that some more. It paints the perspective entirely different…
Thanks!
Athena said,
March 28, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Chadely, talking to My Champion about Chivalry is like trying to talk to a lump of coal about the idea of becoming a valuable stone on the finger of a lady one day.
Also, if I remember correctly - you DID push me in a puddle once. But then you felt bad and alternately laughed about it all night and then groveled cuz you felt bad for laughing. You were terribly conflicted about being an asshole and a funny guy and the role of Champion. It was pretty funny.
I miss you.
SummitSummit said,
March 28, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Epiphany I must comment about the hand shaking, because a gentleman can be trapped with that issue as well. If I can determine a woman’s character before a handshake I will shake their hand appropriately. However, as a handshake is so often done before I have a chance to gauge the woman I can run into difficulties. I have no problem giving a woman a good firm handshake (and I shake many hands in my line of work) but there are many woman out there who expect a very different sort of handshake. It’s not easy for me to describe, but if you think back to the days of yore and imagine a gentleman of great chivalry being introduced to a lady she will sort of cup her hand palm down so he can grip her fingers and kiss the back of her hand. While the hand kissing has all but been eliminated in our culture women often offer me their hands in that fashion. There is just no way for me to give a good firm handshake in that case. So I just give the fingers an appropriate squeeze and let it go. It really just comes down to the fact that a double standard exists in situations such as these. Some women are upset if you don’t open or hold a door for them. Some are upset if you do. Some want to shake hands like a man and some want to shake hands like a lady. It’s tough trying to be everything to everyone. I fully expect there to be some missteps in getting to know someone new. I’ve never had a woman openly complain when I opened or held open a door. I’ve received some sneers from strangers but I don’t worry myself about those whom I classify as ungrateful.
I could ramble on and on, but I feel I’ve made my point, and perhaps Athena will shortly grace us with a new topic of discussion.
Megan said,
March 28, 2008 at 8:34 pm
this has nothing to do with chivalry, I think everyone has said everything already, and I tend to feel like Laura about it, I’ll accept it graciously if it is honestly given (even if not super conciously) and think its a bit dumb if not, and reciprocate either way…the only note I have is a line from a movie..or a paraphrase of such: any guy who doesn’t unlock the car door for his date on a first date isn’t worth it and any woman who doesn’t in turn reach over and unlock his door once in the car, likewise.
What i really was writing about was this: http://www.becomingjuicy.com/index.htm
I don’t really have time for it right now, but on the topic of feeling beautiful and the body quest and all, I want to take an aerialist class soon but know I don’t have the core muscles for it, and since pole dancing exercises the same muscles and this is designed for beginners, and seems a very non-sleazy environment(taught by a former councillor) I was thinking about taking it and wanted to invite you and anyone else who might want to come!
Lara said,
March 29, 2008 at 10:51 am
Pole dancing hmm?? *pondering*
Epiphany said,
March 31, 2008 at 8:06 am
I know we’ve kinda passed the subject but I just wanted to say…wow, Summit I had no idea some women actually expected that. It kind of makes sense, now that you mention it. Hmm, I’ll have to ponder that one
Athena said,
March 31, 2008 at 10:39 am
To beat a dead horse some more…
I know some women will give the wilted hand as a shake to prevent it from being crushed. Holding a hand palm down and fingers bent as if for a kiss makes it impossible for anyone to grasp the limp fingers with any real strength because of how the opposing hand must take the shake. My mentor often told me that if I knew there would be a man who perpetually would crush my bones in a handshake to give him the “dainty hand” it would either force him to not hurt me by changing his grip – or surprise him into being more thoughtful. I’ve never actually had to use it, I usually just refuse a second handshake if they are rude enough to crush me.
I dunno. But you’re right, Summit, time for a new topic. I’ll see what I can do.
Athena said,
March 31, 2008 at 10:40 am
Megan! OMG!
I’d love to take that class but it conflicts with work. Damn that sounds awesome though! I hope you really enjoy it! If one opens up on a Saturday, I will see if I can swing it.
megan said,
March 31, 2008 at 11:55 am
yeah, i’m not sure if I’ll start right away or not but its floating in my brain!
Sondra said,
April 3, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Ahh, good grief! How I miss conversations like these! You’re so dead on, girl.
Too bad we couldn’t catch up last week, but it looks like I’m flying up in Sept too - we’ll have to catch up, might zoom down to see ya for the weekend. See if we can find another nudist colony or sweat lodge : )
Athena said,
April 3, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Sondra!!!
I’m so sorry we missed each other and that I was burried and couldn’t get up to see you!
Sept would be fabulous. Give me heads up and I’ll do my best to wriggle away from the quicksand for a weekend of sweating with some hot naked men….
that didn’t sound at all like I meant it… or…did it….