03.26.08
Dating on the rocks
Greater Trumps is a Porto Cigar bar off Hawthorne and SE 37th. I met Talldarkandhandsome a little before 9 and we ordered munchies and some drinks. I wasn’t sure what to expect – so I didn’t have any expectations.
For sure, it’s been awhile since I’ve gone to meet someone new. I’m probably rusty, and after a long day at work, a little tired as well. What sort of surprised me was how utterly uninteresting I felt.
Talldarkandhandsome was charming and good looking. We talked and I nursed a Macallan. When he got up to take a break I asked the bartender not to let him pay for my breadsticks and scotch.
So later, as Talldarkandhandsome is eating a breadstick, the bartender says, “I’m not supposed to let you eat the lady’s breadsticks.”
I was like, WTF are you talking about you idiot. The bartender joked that I asked him not to let my date eat the breadsticks.
“I asked you not to let him PAY for my side of the tab!”
Here’s where it irritates me, bartender jokes and plays dumb, but while Talldarkandhandsome was in the restroom I clearly explained to the bartender that I didn’t want someone I just met picking up my drinks. So he says, “Sure, I can understand that.”
But evidently, even though he understood – he couldn’t mind his own business.
I have my own comfort rule of paying for my half of the tab for the first few dates. Sometimes there are exceptions and I make them as gracefully as I can. It’s been my experience in the past that men who insist on the check have one of these things; an ulterior motivation, a sense of obligation, a level of chivalry or even a desire to be a caretaker. Even though this is a terrible and broad generalization, it has been my experience and like anyone, I make my calls based on what I’ve learned first-hand. Hence the insistence that I am responsible for myself until I feel like I’ve learned someone well enough to know what their expectations are.
What I find fascinating, is how men respond to this. Sometimes they are “hurt” or irritated or surprised or indifferent. I don’t think I’ve ever had the same response from two different men.
Also, when I go out and the bartender or waitress is a woman, and I make my request for separate checks – she doesn’t even blink. If my bartender is a woman, and I have the opportunity to request out of earshot that I’d like a separate check – hands down – the women will always smile and say, “I know what you mean. No problem.”
But if my bartender is a man, like he was last night – he almost always plays fucking stupid. I’m not even joking about this. He’ll often pretend I didn’t make the request, or ignore it altogether and give his fellow guy the entire tab as though I hadn’t said anything. The last time I called a bartender on it he said, “Oh, you’re right. I’m sorry, I totally forgot.” By then the tab was signed and there was nothing I could do about it.
I don’t know what this is about but it’s an interesting observation.
Anywhoo, there was a brief discussion about the check and for the first time I started to wonder if I need to just stop trying to keep myself so separate. Let someone pick up the tab. I dunno. He was a gentleman and let me have my way with a graceful nod and it felt like a shallow victory in the battle to stay an independent woman. Why is this such a big deal? Why does it seem to matter? Should it matter?
To make peace I told Talldarkandhandsome that I’d let him get the next one.
The night ended with a hug and a promise to do it again sometime. Then I promptly went home and curled up in bed and fell asleep feeling like a asshole.
