04.28.08
Damnit. It’s still coming to the surface.
Go figure that I didn’t make it to the comic fest. As it happened, I got out of class Saturday afternoon and when I had planned on doing all sorts of social and fun things… I just needed to get away. Drive. Be in fifth gear with the top off the jeep and no agenda. Nobody wanting anything from me or having an opinion about how I should be or not be.
I wanted to rebel, scream, run or hit something, bite, kick or yell.
So I opted instead to hit the road and process the way I know how. Move. Wind. Speed and music. Trees. Asphalt. Water and open sky.
I drove to Multnomah Falls and by the time I got out there I felt significantly better. What surprised me though, was the excess emotion and as I tried to trace it backward to find out where it came from, I realized… my acting for film class is opening up wounds. I’m pulling up more energy and emotion than I can use in a three hour class. I’m revisiting loss and coming face to face with the understanding that I’m not done grieving some things.
Catharsis.
That was the point of my art right? That’s what drove me back to the conservatory three years ago and partially why I dropped out again. Too much emotion. I took a crazy writing gig and jumped at the chance to hop in my jeep and run away. Run away from everything as fast as I could and not look back. I said I was running to something, but after my desperate need to escape after class on Saturday… I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not just a coward and my primary response to grief is to try and outrun it. Take the top off my Freya and clutch into fifth gear, embrace the curves of road that take me to the trees where I can sit next to a waterfall and cry into the misty spray when no one is looking.
So, there you have it. Evidently things still sneak up on you years after the fact. Evidently, I thought I was done with things that are not done with me. I think that this class was a great decision. However, at this rate and eight more weeks… I need to find another outlet for the emotional overflow. Gas prices are not conducive to the run away response and I really should start learning a better way to confront the emotional shit that I want to hide from.
If you have any ideas. I open.
Nelli Vanderburg said,
April 28, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Maybe take some sort of martial arts class? You get to hit and kick and yell in martial arts…though I think they frown on biting.
Lara said,
April 28, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Kick-boxing. Your gym probably has a cardio kickboxing class. They are amazing for letting out your frustrations and built up emotional shit. Tennis, or racketball, something where you get to hit something. Hicking, Running, biking, sex, um basically anything that is physically exerting. Find a hatchet and a lot of firewood. There are also many a guided meditation that assist you in releasing that which no longer benefits you. I could probably even write one for you.
BTW, i think you still have my lorena mckennit cd, as I still have your stones and Kushels dart. We should arrange an exchange, perhaps over coffee? Or are you up for another night of cards? We can gather at my house since you havent seen the new apt yet.
Kungfukitten said,
April 28, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Drugs and booze have always worked for me. I kid, I kid. Dave the Assasin would tell you to get some throwing knives and a cardboard cut out of whatever you have anger at and throw until you can take out someone’s throat from 20 feet. Then walk the streets with no fear.
Kungfukitten said,
April 28, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Oh yeah, write. Duh.
Athena said,
April 28, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Nelli, you are right.
A good sweaty workout will help, and martial arts are a great idea.
Athena said,
April 28, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Lara,
TOTALLLLLLYY!
I would love an exchange. Let’s do it. Are you free late Thursday? Or this weekend?
I’d love to talk more about a meditation as well.
Athena said,
April 28, 2008 at 1:53 pm
KFK,
I dig Dave the Assasin’s idea. Throwing knives are a great idea.
Also, I got up early and started over on my routine of morning pages today. Writing in the morning pages helps to take a little of the emotional overflow off the top. So yeah, writing, *sigh* good stuff.
Have you been writing???
megan said,
April 28, 2008 at 2:46 pm
buy a bike? You get the same wind in your hair, the same great views, a little less of a range, but way better on the pocketbook and the ass!
Or get out of class and ventwrite some free association immediately. It could open some great avenues for later writing. Maybe combine the two, get out of the conservatory, cruise your bike downhill to the waterfront and hop off in a nice spot with your notebook before the emotions leave?
ResilientMonkey said,
April 28, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Non-exercising solution - I alway just pop in Halo, pick a level with the flood, grab a shotgun and blow stuff up!
I’m a dork.
Athena said,
April 29, 2008 at 10:42 am
Megan!
I have a bike in storage! What a brilliant idea! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!
Athena said,
April 29, 2008 at 10:44 am
OMG!
ResilientMonkey!
If you are a dork then I am too.
That used to be one of my favorite outlets!
Nothing like a deathmatch with the sniper rifle or the rocket launcher to set some anger in perspective.
Better yet, let me brain something with the needler or stick a plasma to someone’s helmet!
God! I feel better already
Sondra said,
May 1, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I like to wait until I feel really bad then systematically destroy relationships with those closest to me.
Or a wild drunk.
Or both!
Then get up, go to the gym or hop on the bike and work yourself until you feel like puking, probably cry, rest a bit, and exercise or write. Then eat a healthy! meal. I always feel like I have not only identified the issues but have a plan for what to do about it by that point.
Or Start a cage-fighting of the wits group. You would kick ass.
Kungfukitten said,
May 9, 2008 at 11:14 am
I haven’t been writing but I had a dream about drinking my morning coffee and staring out the window and having a falling angel fall to earth and demolish my gardening shed. Wouldn’t that be a great start for a book? I just need to learn more about him.
Athena said,
May 9, 2008 at 11:42 am
Dude, KFK!
That sounds awesome!
Write, woman! WRITE!