04.29.08
Tissue please
So, yesterday I was all emotional and chick-like. Holding back the flood in the early hours of being at the office. I can’t say exactly why I was feeling so raw or ready to pop but I just kept telling myself to breathe and focus on numbers and workish type stuff.
Then a co-worker walks into my office, says a sentence and I snap at him and he looks at me with utter concern… genuine tenderness and asked, “Are you okay?” It was the sincerity of the concern that did it.
“I’m fine,” I managed through suddenly quivering lips and then I shook my head and felt the dam crack inside and I mumbled, “Actually, I’m not but I’ll be right back.” I fumbled under my desk for my shoes I knowing it would be only seconds before I dissolved and the added humiliation of knowing a co-worker was going to witness it pushed me over the edge. I thought I could make a run for the bathroom before the waterworks and sobs began.
It’s comical now when I look back at it. My eyes bugged out and hands started to shake and he leaped to his feet with a sudden look of alarm and asked, “Would you like me to close your door?”
There is no other thing he could have said or done that would have helped me more right then. He was already closing it as I nodded and found myself blessedly alone in my office as the dam unleashed and I lost it.
I cannot explain the suddenness of it. Ordinarily, when I know I have something pushing at me that could potentially cause a pop, I’ll watch a cathartic movie and blow some of the cry pressure off the surface. I didn’t sense the depth of the emotional burst coming or the reasons why. In fact it wasn’t until much later when I was sitting with my manager that I dissolved into tears again and blathered on about my divorce.
Where the fuck did that come from? I’m done with that! I rarely even remember that I was married once. Why now? Why so powerfully and unexpected? It seemingly came out of nowhere – a Kato sneak attack of memory that I didn’t have any time to discharge before it bled over onto hapless and innocent co-worker.
I made a big deal out of it later. How fabulous he was for thinking so quick, how kind he was and how sweet. I told my other co-workers how adorable it was when I thought his eyeballs might fall out of his face when he realized I was about to lose it. Hugging at the office is obviously a sketchy proposition in a corporate environment, but I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that if I had reached he would have put his arms out and taken me in.
I think that knowledge (coupled with my sense of humiliation) was what helped me not to need it. I had my cry. Then sat bewildered at my desk for the rest of the day trying to process exactly how that happened and why I felt like I didn’t have any warning.
I’m not an idiot. I know I’m a chick with hormones and emotions, and sometimes these things just happen, memory triggers are hidden everywhere. But it bothers me. I don’t want to be the crying girl. I don’t want to be the drama queen. I’ve got to be more aware so these things so I can be more self-sufficient.
I managed to outrun it on Saturday, but it caught up to me from behind yesterday. Crap!
So yeah, cry baby at the office.
erisian said,
April 29, 2008 at 12:18 pm
love ya athena. emotions are a mixed bag of dog shit and fireworks.
interpret as you desire.
admiral Fubar said,
April 29, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I think we both need a hug. What you doing after your workout tonight?
SummitSummit said,
April 29, 2008 at 5:32 pm
From your last two posts it sounds to me like you are just a wee bit stressed out. You should look into the advice received in your last post. Take up a martial art or dig that bike out of storage. Get some sort of good regular exercise and just all around try to destress.
Also, it sounds like you need a good friend to talk too. You have many people that love you, I can see that from reading here, but the internet is just too impersonal. You need to sit down and talk to someone in person. If you don’t have yourself a girlfriend you can tell everything too you should find one. To avoid being sexist I suppose you could also find yourself a gay guy you could confide in. Just avoid any male who could possible become more than a friend, it doesn’t sound like that would help you much.
Just my two cents.
Keet said,
April 30, 2008 at 8:29 am
I’m in town for awhile…and I’m an excellent sounding board (you know this, of course). I’m happy to sit quietly and let you just start talking and see where your thoughts take you…see if you can get to what seems to be eating at you.
We’ll sort it out, but you know I’m here (literally, for once) for you.
Keet said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Not sure what happened to the last comment I attempted…
You know I’m always willing to sit down, wherever, and let you just speak what’s on your mind. I am (for once) in a position to actually be here when you may need it…for whatever purpose (listen, talk, distract, etc.).
I think I’m even starting to sort out my mass transit issues, so I’m getting less and less confined to this 2-way route from the apt to the office.
Keet said,
April 30, 2008 at 12:02 pm
yeah…weird…now they both (all?) show up
go me
megan said,
April 30, 2008 at 4:12 pm
it’s okay. that happens..and thankfully you have an office!
cause when it happens to me it’s invariably right in the middle of the cafe! *laughs* I know this is cheezy and cliche, but are you about to get your period??