05.09.08
Nyquil says start living the life you want
So, as is the nature of when you are drugged with Nyquil or alternately sleep deprived from not being able to breathe or over-slept and then delirious from snot blockage in the brain… everything suddenly makes a kind of sense.
There is clarity, I think, when you are down for the count and isolated with your thoughts and far too much of a semi-hallucinogenic cough suppressant. Things just come together.
I’m trying too hard still, to make this life work for me. I’m still struggling against it as though I’m trying to swim against the tidal force.
Finally, I have a plan, sort of. It’s still rough and a little sketchy but the idea is finally there.
I’m struggling because my spirit knows – this life, here in Portland, here in my little bubble, here in my cozy office job, here in my tiny hippy neighborhood – this life is too small for me. I’ve outgrown my bowl and I need a tank. It won’t happen over night. In fact in might not happen for a year or so, but I now understand that as much as I love it here, as much as I am at home – I am also trying to squeeze myself into a space that I am not built for. There is a sadness in this knowing, but also a sense of relief. It’s almost time. Not in the immediate sense, but in the sense that a shift needs to happen and I have been okay with the waiting up till now.
If you have to try this hard, just to find a sense of balance, you are not on the ground you need to be on. I have been looking at this all wrong. I’ve been looking at this job, this time and space as a new start while I get my shit together to be a writer. For lack of a better word I have been thinking of this life as plan B and still not focusing on plan A.
Truthfully, I wasn’t all that wrong but for one tiny detail. This life and job and location is a gift to help me find a framework of discipline so I can get stronger before I step out into the vast current of the Universe.
This is my chance to build my body, my creativity and my craft so I can launch. This job is not an oppression – it’s a cocoon so I can make ready. My house and roommate are not just little joys to keep me mentally balanced while I struggle with my job – they are sanctuary while I make plans to fly.
I don’t know when or how or where to. But it will happen. Now I see that I am holding myself to a standard of functionality that has never and will never be – in mine or anyone else’s best interest. I cannot reach my greatest potential if I don’t let go.
Let go of the idea that I will have to work this job for the rest of my life and put in to a 401K and file paperwork for other people’s dreams. Let go of the idea that if I leave Portland I will fall into a wasteland of emptiness of purpose. Let go of the idea that I cannot make a life for myself as a creative individual.
Let go.
And see what happens.
While I figure out more of this, I will be reformulating my current circumstances to reflect the pending change by altering my disciplines to meet the new challenge. I have no idea if any of this made any sense. If not I blame it on Nyquil.
Lara said,
May 9, 2008 at 11:37 am
You need to read Eat Pray Love.
Half the time, reading your blog is almost the same as reading that book.
DO IT!
Athena said,
May 9, 2008 at 11:44 am
Thank you Lara
I will have to go read it then!
I’m think I hear the foggy sound of the Indian Jones Theme Song playing somewhere in the back of my brain….
This usually means adventure is on its way.
Sweet!
Keetster said,
May 9, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I’m usually surprised whenever I call you or talk to you or email you, after some given time has passed, and find you’re in the same location. Portland is an incredible place and it’s clearly been good for you, but I’ve never seen you as the “roots” kind of person.
Your life, your personality seems to be far too great for one location, especially for any length of time. I often wonder how much more difficult it can be for a writer to be inspired when those things that were once so beautiful become commonplace. When surges of emotion are replaced by indifference. How much more difficult must it be to find that well of creativity with nothing left to feed it.
Not that Portland can’t still offer those moments in the quiet and in the surroundings here.
I’m glad you’re here, and in risk of sounding cliche (in the worst possible way), you do come across as a bird in a cage. All the admirable traits of such a creature, but a sadness as well.
It feels as though you’re meant for something more. Not better, not worse, just more. Maybe there’s something telling you that your time here is done. What you’ve been meant to give, and take, at this place is complete and it’s time to prepare for the next part of your life…whatever that may be.
Admiral Fubar said,
May 9, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Is it bad that what you just said made perfect sense to me?
Love you, big sister.
Megan said,
May 9, 2008 at 8:05 pm
yeah!!
Chadely said,
May 9, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Sweetie, you think too much. There i said it. You over-analyse everything. Your heart knows what you need, but your brain (god bless it) wants to ponder what would happen, or what could happen or what might happen….to truly find yor bliss you have to let go. If there was one thing i tried to impart to you as we were younger, it was to be spontaneous. We had more fun when we just said hell with it, and did whatever came to our little AD&D infested little brains. As we grow older, we fall into a pit that our society has dug for us. We should get a job and save for retirement, becuase that is smart and that will help us be productive members of society. Screw that. When we were kids, we were happy, we did what we wanted, fuck the consequences. Thinking is for old people. Thats where you are caught. Thinking…its overrated, Feeling, now thats where the fountain of youth is. A great…uh…being…once said “Do, or Do not, there is no Try” but what Yoda was really telling Luke was, Dont think about it. Just do it (Nike please dont sue me) , just know you can do it, if you stop to think about…your shit outta luck. You will convince yourself that you cant do it, and that it is better to stay here, were it is safe, where you slowly suffocate that part of you that I came to love so many years ago. Your heart.
Athena said,
May 12, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Thanks you guys
I thought it might just be me or the Nyquil.
But I still feel it today and I haven’t had a drop
So there. Something to think about!
Thanks:)