Too slow on the draw

“Why do you assume they are doing it for him?” It turned into a brief conversation and by the time I finished snarfing we went in to sit.

The house was packed so we sat in the very back row. The people in front of us were a bubbly family and when the lights came up for the opening act to change to the main show, they all ducked and huddled in their seats as though they were dodging someone. When we asked what was going on the youngest girl let slip that her sister was in the crowd up front and that her boyfriend was going to propose during a special song.

Sure enough, five songs into the show cheering erupted at the front of the auditorium and we all jumped to out feet as the sister evidently said, “yes”.

I admit it, I got a little choked up and mumbled something like, “awww, how romantic.”

Towards the end of the show, a guy came in and sat in the last seat on the end of our row. Even though I was totally into the music, I couldn’t help but keep trying to look over and watch him.  There was something utterly magnetic about him even though I couldn’t really see him that well. Something made me keep trying to get an unobstructed view. 

Tyrone’s vocals were amazing.  He’s got some serious breath control and a few solid notes that gave me that delicious shiver. But even as I listened to him, I reached in my bag and pulled out a Bliss card and stuck it in my back pocket with the intention of passing it off to the Magneticguy on the way out. The show ended and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I should just walk up to him. Magneticguy.

He wandered around talking to people as Keetster and I waited to talk to Tyrone. The Aladdin slowly emptied out and I started toward Magneticguy twice with my hand reaching for the card, but something made me back turn around or look away. Likely the good ol’ Athena fear factor.

Anwyhoo, We got up to Tyrone who was being very generous with his fans and chatty and he recognized Keetster and they went off talking and I sort of zoned out.  Tyrone seemed like a really nice guy but I found myself ignoring them and scanning the parting crowd when I heard Tyrone say, “My friends is here, he was the best man at my wedding so we’re going to go get drinks and get caught up. He’s right over there.” He named a band they’d played in and how long they’ve been friends.

I looked in the direction he thumbed and there was only one man – Magneticguy.

“Not the guy over there in the white shirt?” I asked.

Tyrone nodded and mentioned Magneticguy’s name and turned to talk to someone as I hissed, “Shit!” to Keetster and slid my card back into my pocket. “Damnit. The first guy in a long time I have any interest in giving a card to. That totally blew my plans.”

Suddenly, knowing he was the musician Tyrone plugged a few times on stage, and that he is a local band member and such – I suddenly couldn’t make myself talk to him, much less give out a card. I suddenly worried about looking like a groupie or a pathetic lovesick fan or something and the very idea made me so paranoid I completely backed away. With the fear of, “I bet they get hit on constantly – and I don’t want someone thinking I was dressed suggestively just for them” Or whatever (even though, for the record I was wearing jeans and a light hoodie)

Anywhoo, the thing is, today it’s bugging me really bad. It’s bugging me that I let my perception of what I might be perceived as – dictate the ability to follow my impulse. I blew it and I know I did.

I let my fear make my choices AGAIN! Fear of how I’d be seen. Fear of reaching out. Fear of rejection. Whatever. It was fear plain and simple and I’m not okay with that making my choices for me, especially since it was such a powerful impulse to begin with.

I will have to rectify this or it’s going to bother me, a lot.