When I decided I would be shooting for a screenwriting fellowship and knew I’d need a completed script, it finally felt like time to pull out the one I’ve avoided working on until just recently.  Unfortunately, I decided I would be doing it from memory as the only printed copy I had is sitting in my sister’s closet in LA, where I sent it for safe-keeping as much as my fear of it.  The reason why I was afraid of it is here.

Anyway, I started re-writes from memory and I realized I couldn’t remember the characters very well. Worse, I couldn’t remember the arc, in fact – I could only recall the highlights and that wasn’t very helpful.  The last time I read the script from beginning to end was October 2000. Almost 8 years ago.

So, I started wondering if I should call my sister and have her mail me the script. The day I decided I would call, I was also going through my file cabinet to clean up old junk.  I found an manila mailing envelope still sealed with my address from 8 years ago postmarked Oct. 21^st 2000. Taped to it was a folded piece of paper and when I looked at it I realized it was the registration with the Library of Congress.

Holy Crap, Batman! I forgot I mailed myself a copy! I must have stuck it in my file boxes after the Library of Congress sent me my certificate. SWEET!

It was decided then, I would rip open the seal and read the script from beginning to end.

First things first, brew a cup of tea and repeat the mantra, “That was 8 years ago. I’m a better writer now –I’m a better writer now – Don’t judge too harshly. I’m a better writer now. This was your first script. Be gentle.” And so on.

When I felt compassionate to read on, I settled in bed and opened the envelope.  It was a shock to see my married name on something, a reminder that I had a life that seems like it was a thousand years ago. The title was, “It Happens” and I began to read and time after time I got goose-bumps all over my body. I got to the part where the protagonist is on a daytime talk show plugging her book.

Leeza Gibbons: What made you decide to take the journey you did and then write a book about it?

Cassy: One day I decided I’d had enough of being in a job I hated. I didn’t want to live in a role I saw as dependent on men and loved ones for my self-esteem and confidence. I knew I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be a singular, powerful me. So I spent my savings on a Jeep and a laptop and decided to drive until I found myself. I wrote about it hoping it might help other people stuck in the same spot.

After reading this I got up and wandered around. I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around what I must have been thinking 8 years ago.

Leeza Gibbons: How does it make you feel knowing you have started a movement? That women around the world are forming up, quitting jobs, starting businesses, traveling and living their lives differently because they read your book?

Cassy: I don’t think it’s because they read the book. I think it’s because they always wanted something different in their hearts for a very long time. They just hadn’t recognized it, confronted it or accepted that’s it’s okay until now. When the world is spinning faster and they realize they have as much right to their happiness as their husbands, children or neighbors and so on. (she shrugs) It’s not the book. IT’s the understanding that you only have so much time in this world. Live it and love it while you’ve got it. That’s what changes people’s lives.

I laid in bed and tried to sleep after finishing reading. I couldn’t sleep until I made peace with this idea…

8 years ago, I wrote a manifesto. I was deeply in love with someone and made poor choices for my own happiness in an effort to keep them, but somehow, this manifesto managed to be born, written onto a page in a format that has come in and out of my life at just the right times – like a marker. Whenever I feel the world shifting – it somehow makes it way back to me to keep my feet on a path I’ve always dreamed of. For all my desire to be a storyteller, for all the passion I have to act and write – it has always – ever only been because I wish to entertain, educate and inspire. Not just myself but everyone. This has only ever been what I’ve wanted for my life and contribution. This script is the life I wanted for myself at a time when I didn’t think it was possible.

And now it’s possible.

I guess the real question is… now that I know it’s possible, what am I going to do about it – and what will this re-write look like?

The foundation is built. Now this weekend I will be writing for three days straight during which time I will edit, fine-tune and make new choices. This will be the script I submit to the fellowship.

I’m pretty sure this is psychological, but if it is – I’m totally okay with it. Firstly, since doubling and even tripling my protein intake I feel stronger. I have not cut carbohydrates out of my diet I am trying to keep my carbs and proteins equal as I am still working out and need the energy.

The second thing I’ve noticed is that I get tired much faster.  While my limbs feel stronger and more powerful, my energetic output is lower. While I suspect this is still a transitional stage, it’s an interesting observation that I cannot seem to do my treadmill time as fast or long, but I am lifting weights have again as heavy as before and twice the duration – but I have less for cardio. I’m still plateaued with my body weight but for the first time in weeks since doing lifting I decided to flex my arm and whooped with excitement.

I ran through the office at work and barged into a meeting with my manager and a co-worker and blurted, “Dude! Feel my arm!” He gave me a sidelong look and squeezed my bicep to humor me. I was ridiculously happy because I haven’t had this kind of tone in my arms since I was a fencer.

SWEET!

This got me all stoked about going to the gym last night and then I noticed a third thing… before leaving work I grabbed my gym bag and went to fill my water bottle up, while I was there I looked in the mirror and noticed nothing out of the ordinary. 20 minutes later I was changing in the locker room at 24 hour fitness and caught my reflection in the full body mirror by the scale – I swear to god I looked suddenly 10 pounds heavier. It was so startling that I stared for a minute, turned this way and that (I rarely make an effort to look in the mirror at the gym as I find it is usually counterproductive) I couldn’t believe I looked that heavy.  Suddenly everyone else seemed so skinny to me and I spent the rest of my workout dwelling on it.

Then when I got home and changed again I stood in front of the mirror to try and make peace with how massive I felt – and then – I was back to normal. I saw my reflection and thought, “Wait a minute? Did I just loose ten pounds of water weight in one workout?”

It hit me then, with a terrible sickening. The mirrors at 24 hour fitness are not normal mirrors. Then I immediately retracted the thought, nobody is that cruel. Nobody.

Holy crap, Batman! Could I totally me imagining this? Is this a by-product of low self-esteem or something, perhaps that workout anxiety of trying to obtain the “prefect body”?

Whatever it is, I will try my best not to look at myself in the mirror at the gym. Bad mojo.

The good news is that I am still stoked about how much stronger and more centered I feel. 90 days, guys. I can do this for 90 days.

How are your challenges going?

Lara, how’s your list?

Megan, are you spending time with your goddess?

Sondra, Are you saying no and taking deep breathes?

ResilientMonkey, how are your wanderings going?