There is something about myself that I am struggling to accept –unwire and make peace with. It’s shallow and selfish, I already know this and feel a sense of shame about it. However, I am also aware that it is entirely normal and human and even healthy to acknowledge and set proper boundaries for.
I am turned off by needy people. I have no respect for people who are weak.
I understand how this sounds. It makes me cringe when I say it aloud and shake my head at myself to know I even wrote it down. Let me acknowledge that I do not perceive vulnerability as weakness or lack of strength as weakness. True and sincere need – I have compassion and sympathy for and will always endeavor to help.
What I struggle with is self-reliance. People who are capable of strength, or being self-sufficient but for some reason they choose not to.
Not a real example but an illustration:
Someone who runs out of gas on the side of the road, an honest miscalculation about distance to a gas station. They phone a friend and a friend shows up with a can full of gas to bail them out. Because that’s what friends do.
A week later, they run out of gas again. Crap! Perhaps the gas gauge is broken. They call their friend and they’re friend shows up with a can of gas to bail them out. Because, that’s what friends do.
A month later they call from the side of the highway and the friends shows up angry. “Why are you out of gas on the side of the road – again?” The friend asks. And they say, “Because, I knew you’d show up with what I need.”
This is the kind of weakness I mean. This needy inability to manage the basic and easy functions leaves me unable to focus on the things that REALLY need attention or help. It could be simple, like managing their own relationships better, finances, or emotional chaos. The person who repeatedly allows themselves to be abused by someone – not once or twice or even a dozen times – but over and over until – I’m flat out tired of hearing about it, much less investing my energy to help. Same with finances, yes, you are in debt because you keep shopping and spending money you don’t have – so stop asking me to help you when you can’t put your credit card away. Don’t ask me to drive you to the store five times because you don’t want to work enough to make a car payment and you don’t feel like riding the bus. Don’t ask me to come over and cuddle you with hugs because you got dumped by the same guy for the third time this week.
Manage yourself. Pull up your bootstraps and make a fucking choice to pull your own baggage.
Then, when you honestly are busting ass to make things work, pushing yourself to make healthy boundaries and self-reliant decisions. I will WANT to help. I will encourage and cheer and be thrilled to reach out and lift some of the burden. I will spot you, but I won’t do the heavy lifting just because you don’t feel like it.
I will gladly help those I love, but I won’t let that love be abused or taken for granted.
Now that I’ve said all that and vented – I have to be honest and admit I am one of the people I can’t stand. I am, on occasion, lazy about my self-management. I am aware that there are times I can do something by myself and yet I ask someone else to do it for me. I acknowledge fully that I there are times when I lean more than I should.
More often though, I am so petrified of being one of these people in my own mind that it often prevents me from asking for help when I actually do need it. I avoid vulnerability of my boundaries with men in my life because I don’t want them to do any of my lifting. My baggage is mine. My life maintenance is mine and I don’t ever want to be seen as the girlfriend that needs.
Therefore, I suspect I heave less tolerance for needy people because I have no tolerance for myself when I know I am neglecting my own needs so I don’t seem like a lazy or careless person – which ultimately – makes me exactly what I don’t want to be.
Ugh. I hate these types of circles.
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