06.27.08
A week of dresses
After a week of dresses I have this observation. Dressing like a girl made me late for work almost every morning. I enjoyed the feeling of getting gussied up and doing my makeup and all, but I was also hyper aware of things like having the back of my dress tucked into my panties, and an unsuspecting gust of wind revealing the flow
All in all it was an interesting experiment. Mostly I got comments from my female co-workers, but there were a couple from men. I was talking to one of them about this observation – earlier this winter I wore a short skirt and high stilettos in a weird need to feel sexy.
The interesting thing was, I got three comments from older male co-workers about my legs. This is why I don’t like to dress up.
I didn’t get comments from them about my ability to do my job, or how well I work with the students who are for lack of a better word, geeks. The three guys who never talk to me suddenly had something to say about how long my legs look in stiletto’s, how short my skirt seemed, or whether I’m a runner with those legs. In short, the only commentary I got from the guys, were things that were solely based on my physical appearance, and inadvertently made me feel like a t-bone steak walking in front of a hungry dog.
I hadn’t put much thought into that day but it bothered me enough that I went home and changed before going out to play pool later. Why did it bother me?
It bothered me for the same reason I struggle with being able to accept the grown woman’s body that I have. I feel like I am not free to just be. Trapped by the masculine concept of being “visually stimulating” which makes me want to be invisible. The ass-backward thing is that simultaneously I also want to attract the right mate, and because I am attracted to men and I know they are “visually stimulated” I also have the desire to let go of my protective invisible form (chubbiness) and step into the body I know I can have, the body that makes me feel strong and healthy.
I have almost reached a point wherein I am beginning to feel like I cannot accept my true physicality until I have a surrogate shield. A magic feather, if you will. God I hate to admit this, I truly hate it – but I almost feel like I can’t have the body I want until I have a boyfriend so I don’t feel exposed to the expectations of other male individuals.
This thinking in and of itself, is what makes me angry. Not angry – FUROIUS! Why can’t I grab on to that confident Devil-may-care attitude and run with it.
Ultimately, as I wore dresses all week and had conversations with people I discovered that a high percentage of my confidence when I have the physical trappings of being a woman are mostly bluff. But when I’m in jeans and a t-shirt, the same exact conversations are not bluff, they are confident and meaningful and I don’t feel vulnerable – I feel like a sheep hiding in wolf’s clothing and hanging out with other wolves. In plain sight but invisible as just one of the guys is the safest place to be.
However, I will continue to wear dresses more, and do my hair and makeup more often.
Because, if I can get to be a good enough bluffer on the flips side, maybe – just maybe I won’t get called on it.
introneurotic said,
June 27, 2008 at 2:52 pm
But there is something to be said about looking nice. It makes me feel empowered to wear a shirt and tie as long as they represent my personality. You won’t see me in a polo or company shirt unless I have too! But if I put on those dress clothes that I think look good, then I feel strong and empowered. Same goes for ladies I think, if they feel that they look great in their clothes then chances are that they will radiate confidence and sexiness.
There is nothing wrong with looking good and putting on a mask for a bit, because its just escaping from the basis of reality for a small amount of time. As long as YOU think you look good, then most others will notice that aura. When you start getting snide, and “I can’t believe she is wearing that.” from other girls then you KNOW you look good.
Sondra said,
June 27, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Hmmm… Fake it till you make it. Does work sometimes. My only “red flag” is don’t overdo it or make the inner child too uncomfortable or you will grow to really hate dresses and not be able to get into them even when you are feeling like dressing more womanly.
Have you seen Charlie Wilson’s War? It is worth watching, in my opinion, solely for the character that Julia Roberts plays. I have been looking for a woman in my life, a role model, JUST LIKE HER for as long as I can remember. She grabs ahold of her sexuality and rides it like a wild stallion, but this stallion was made for more than bucking - more like a war horse! Not just for 8 seconds, but every day! I never had Mrs. Strang, but the descriptions I’ve heard reminded me very much of this character. What do you think?
And may I add, that no matter what you wear, it has been my experience that you have whatever “it” is to carry it off and look like a movie star. Like, always.
Erck. Another thought I have to get out. So, the reality of the situation that must be accepted is that the majority of men are sex-chakra biased/focused/ whatever. It is, right wrong or indifferent, the first and last thing they notice. If you can’t accept that, you can’t ever be comfortable. 2nd you’re hot. 3rd… Like you said, why not learn to use it? Ain’t nothing wrong with being a fricking hottie. “I want a woman with a short skirt and a Loooong jacket.” Just because they don’t notice the fact that you are competent Before they notice your legs doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be sexy. They will actually be more likely to notice the competent if you’re sexy. So your “love tank” wants to be noticed for being competent. How are you going to accomplish that? Don’t ask where you know it won’t be found.
Epiphany said,
June 30, 2008 at 8:07 am
Well I’m proud of you for this one, mostly ’cause I don’t know that I could do it myself. I’m mega self-conscious.
The thing about guys at work complimenting your legs, though? The bottom line is that guys at work saying anything other than “you look nice today” in regards to appearance is…well, squidgy. It makes me kinda fidget and want to run away.
I had a boss who was kind of a creep, and at one point I was in his office talking to him about something. I’ve never been good at eye contact (though I’m getting better) and he commented on it. That was fine, but then he said “you have such pretty blue eyes, you shouldn’t be afraid to look people in the eye”. Something about how he said it made me suddenly want to run and like, put on a burka or something. I mean…ew, creepy old man alert!
So yeah, it pisses me off that guys have the power to do that sometimes, to make you self-conscious when you have nothing to be self-conscious about. That’s just the way it is, unfortunately, but I do think that if you ‘own it’ it’s less likely to become an issue.
Athena said,
July 1, 2008 at 11:55 am
Thanks, Intro
Athena said,
July 1, 2008 at 11:58 am
Sondra, I’ll have to watch that movie
Thanks for the observations. It’s a red flag to me as well about pushing my inner comfort too far and rebounding the opposite direction.
Also, you are right, I’m just going to have to learn to accept this part of men and the way they behave and what they notice - so I can accept that I am a woman.
But you have a good point about the love tank. That’s obviously how I recognize love versus the sexuality - so I will keep my eye on that.
Love you, lady and miss you tons
Thanks for all the great feedback!
Athena said,
July 1, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Epiphany, I love your word “squidgy” that was so perfect an observation about men in the workplace.
I totally agree with you - If I own it… it’s less likely to be an issue.
I’m going to work on that.