07.02.08
Sleeping alone
I was lamenting last night, as I couldn’t sleep and I had the window open listing to the dark at 2 am, there was no one in my bed to watch. I wondered as I lay sprawled across a bed of pillows with the night breeze and whispers – why is that?
Why am I not at this very moment watching some beautiful man sleeping nearby, lost in dreams and feeling his heat against my skin?
Then I remembered, oh yeah, because in the morning he’ll be awake and full of opinions and needs and…
Then I thought, “Honestly, Athena? Is that the reason?”
So I puzzled it out till 3 am and came to this conclusion. With honesty, I have to admit that I am intentionally and sometimes unintentionally – keeping the possibility of a connection at bay – because somewhere in my mind I have already made the decision that I am leaving Portland at some point for another adventure and I am reluctant to get attached to someone, because I know full well how easy it is to lose momentum when you love someone. How’s that for honesty? I guess I have also been putting off the “I’m not available” vibe energetically for this reason.
I’m too focused on grabbing for the dream.
But that’s as far as I got in the realization. Evidently more thinking is required, as in how long do I intend to stay and where will I be going?
Jordan said,
July 2, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Thinking that I’m going to be leaving soon has held me back for the last few years. I’m still not sure what I’m going to be doing with myself. Definitely puts a crimp in any thoughts of romance.
Cynthia Mathai said,
July 3, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Athena,
You and I may approach this whole romance thing differently, but we both have that “I don’t know how long I’m going to be here, so I don’t want to get too attached” vibe going on. Its tough, really. Because you are simultaneously trying to live your life as an independent person to the fullest, yet longing so deeply to share that life with someone. But somehow romance has to wait until we are at a different place–more settled and more accomplished. Funny how this ‘place’ keeps changing. Perhaps the lesson to be learned and applied here is to always spend your days fully invested and in openness to the possibilities that may arise. And the reality is this, the right person won’t be a setback, but a much needed but very unexpected boost. Change and compromise will for sure be necessary, but for the better1
It’s interesting how this nomadic tendency will manifest itself in thoughts like, “yeah, he’s a nice guy, but he is too opinionated and passionate about transportation systems” or something stupid like that. When the reality is that there is a huge battle going on within ourselves about ourselves, that has nothing to do with the other person.
All this to say, I get you.
megan said,
July 7, 2008 at 12:36 pm
don’t underestimate the fact that they may want to come with you! Or will not let you tie yourself down. I know that is how it is with bunny, if I were like “I really want to do this but I don’t want to leave you” he’d be all “hell no!!” or as close as he gets to aw hell no…
Athena said,
July 7, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Thanks for getting me Cynthia
Athena said,
July 7, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Megan, I think of that sometimes but then I get scared of it…. I dunno what that means but I’m not nearly caffientated enough to puzzle it out.
Also, “Aw Hell No” by Bunny… just imagining that with you two makes me grin like an idiot.
Thank you for coming last night and for yummy dessert and loves! I love you!!