Conversation with Andymay while shoe shopping;

Andymay: I really like these sandals but they aren’t comfortable. Cute but not comfy.

Me: I always make that mistake with shoes – I keep thinking, “they’re so cute! I bet they will GET comfortable.” Then I’m in pain but I keep reminding myself – they will get comfortable they will get comfortable they will get comfortable…hey come to think of it – I have that problem with men too….

Andymay: Maybe I can’t find sandals because I’m too picky.

Me: There is NOTHING wrong with that. There are three things women should be super picky about. Shoes. Men. And Chocolate. Well…

Andymay: Good point. I think you should take your own advice especially about the second one and (you-know-who).

Me: DOH! Aw, crap.

Earlier when we were getting pedicures….

Andymay: There are so many colors! How do you choose a toenail polish?

Me: You wanna know how I pick my toenail polish? I ask myself what color would look nice on my toes when my foot is in his mouth.

After a few hours doing girly things with Andymay and spending some quality time catching up I realize now why everyone thinks I’m such a horn dog. It seems everything I talk about returns and relates directly to boys. Damnit.

Well as it happens – I didn’t get the part. Obviously, I’m bummed – but I’m also really optimistic about the Portland film market. I’m registered with a couple of different background casting companies in town and I’m hoping that with the increase in production going in Portland that I will still get to do things on set.

So, bummed? Yes. But this close of a call has certainly reminded me how much I love doing that kind of work.

In further developments – something happened at my office job that reminded I am not where I should be. The contrast was upsetting and I cried most of the night on Wednesday because I felt pretty vulnerable and somewhat betrayed – like I’m being encouraged to leave. Literally, pushed toward the door.

While I cried about it because I like my team – it was also a wake up from the Universe as to how comfortable I’ve let myself get in a place I am not truly flourishing. Somehow, I had started to trick myself into a groove where things were making sense and a rhythm was being established that I thought I could live with. I was starting to feel safe.

Safe and comfortable leaves little incentive for growth outside said comfort zone and I suddenly understood the Universe was telling me – “you only feel betrayed because you have betrayed yourself by settling. Get a move on. Don’t get comfortable. You don’t belong here.”

The disparity between my excitement over the possibility of a 14 hour long and grueling day on set compared to an 8 hour shift at my desk was like the difference between Crème Brule and expired milk. I’d take the chaos of a set over the organized numbers of an office job any day no matter the work involved.

I am my happiest when I’m involved in the mini-adventures of storytelling; acting and writing. There is no comparison for me. No substitute. I just don’t yet know how to grasp the epic future that’s waiting for me outside the office. I’m boggled.

So long story short, I have some thinking to do. My office is not a safe place anymore – but then, was it ever? But the beauty of it is that – I have been warned in a gentle and non-damaging way – that it is time to remember Plan A. Time to get ready to leap to the Epic life.