I was talking to Juliana last night when I said, “I haven’t seriously dated in about 4 years.”
“You need to get back out there!” she said.
And it hit me then. Not seriously dated. I‘ve had one night stands. Been on one date here and there with two notable exceptions where I actually saw them twice – but in my mind those do not qualify as “seriously dating” someone… as I haven’t had a BOYFRIEND – since high school….
That sudden epiphany somehow never sounded so tragic or stunning before. I haven’t had a boyfriend since before I was married and I’ve been divorced for four and half years.
Obviously, if you’ve been reading for awhile you already know about my fear of intimacy and losing my independence – but seriously? I haven’t found someone to at least TRY to have more than a flirt or one night stand with that didn’t trigger that scenario in my mind of being trapped and isolated again. Not one? How is that even possible?
It doesn’t help that my interactions with men and flirting send me into high panic and the wires in my brain fry so I sound like an idiot and make a run for it. (Remember the time I tried to run away from a hot guy and got my costume wings caught on the people behind me? Or the time I fell over the pool table?) Yeah. It usually works like that.
Last night I was getting a hot dog from a street vendor downtown and he was one of those harmless flirts. He’s a natural. Not sincere at all but really practiced. I spilled pickle relish on his hand while I was trying not to panic I blurted, “Ohmygod! I just relished your finger!” and the way it sounded was an innocent mixture of fear and something vaguely dirty.
He laughed and my face exploded into heat. He teased and flirted with me for a few minutes while I fought the urge to run away, (plus he was waiting for his buddy to return with change and I thought it would look conspicuously weird to bolt and leave a 17$ tip for a 3$ dog) chanting in my mind, “Your feet are like roots. This won’t hurt. Practice not running away. Practice being solid. It’s practicepracticepractice…”
To shift the power a little I fell into questioning and as I asked questions the defensive turned enough that while we waited I could keep my center. I asked about his rickshaw and if he did tours and told him how I was writing a book and would need a guide and asked if I could higher him.
“Is this just your way of hitting on me?” He asked. “Because I like it….” He was cute and came too easily for him to be serious but still… every fiber in my being wanted to leave the hotdog and change and haul ass down the street to my car and hit 5th gear without looking back. I even briefly calculated how fast I could run in my Dorothy shoes on wet pavement and still look somewhat dignified.
Instead I blabbed the first thing that came to mind, “Wow! That would be a really good line. But no, this is not me hitting on you – I would have no freaking idea how to even do that.” Yes, I sounded that retarded.
It was seconds later that someone else came to the stand and I saw my opening. Despite all my inner cajoling I said, “Thanks. Have a great night.” Dropped a tip in the jar and made a run for it.
How is it that even harmless flirting has me so off center? How can a dude- albeit a really charming and cute one – put me that far out of my comfort zone? When I am out introducing myself or interviewing people or walking in to seedy locations with nothing more than a tiny dress and my camera equipment… I feel strong and in control and savvy. When I am working at writing or research or collecting data I feel like I’m untouchable, my confidence rests in my focus to get a job done… until someone offers to buy me a drink or mentions my eyes and then I fall to pieces, my IQ plummets and my knees start to twitch with the need to run.
What is that all about? It’s not healthy or normal, right? How do I fix that? I can go around interviewing and collecting data for my work but that now that I am crawling out from under my hibernation rock – I can’t risk being that easily scared back in. I have work to do. I can’t squeak like a ninny and run away if a hottie casually winks in the vague general direction of where I might be standing.
Then again, how the hell am I supposed to get a boyfriend if I’m running away? This shit has got to stop!
-Or-
He’d better be a damn fast runner….
7 Comments(+Add)
I don’t get quite that discombobulated when people flirt with me, but that may just be because I usually don’t notice. And if they’re too pushy, I still want to go somewhere else.
I think some of it comes from societal expectations. When we’re inundated with scripted TV and movies where the characters can effortlessly respond with the perfect quip, it’s hard to not internalize that expectation for yourself. Probably doubly so if you’re a writer and expect to be good with words. When we don’t even know where we want a conversation to go, it’s hard to even begin to form a proper reply.
But don’t despair too much. I’m rapidly pushing towards four years since I was officially dating anyone and three since I was in anything that even looked a bit like a relationship. Dating in Portland seems to be a tricky business.
Isn’t the point that you’re supposed to feel that flutter in your stomach, and a bit light-headed, and get all discombobulated? I mean, if someone was flirting with me and I felt nothing at all, I would count that as an attraction fail.
You’re supposed to feel something. Maybe you’ve labeled that internal feeling, which exists without words, as “fear” when it’s really “attraction”? I mean, sometimes they’re hard to tell apart, it’s true.
Jordy, you are so right! Dating in Portland seems to be far more difficult than it should be. Then again… it could just be me…
But still, everyone I’ve talked to seems to have a difficult time in the meat market here…
Hey Brian! Log time no see
GAWD! You are so brilliant! I hadn’t even thought of the similarities between attraction and fear. Hmm. Food for brain. I must think on this.
And think of a way to stop being afraid it seems…
Good to see you again!
I think it is normal. at least, for me..it’s the practice thing. the more you practice not running away the better you get at balancing the fear with the enjoyment, the fear never really leaves I don’t think, but it can transmute into excitement. I’m proud of you and I think you can do it!
oh yeah..and sometimes (re: usually, i know it, i’ve watched you!) when you feel like your answers are dumb others are like “ooh..that was sassy!”
you squeek?