“Your life is like a porn movie blooper.”

I joked with him that I wasn’t sure everything still worked right. Wasn’t sure if I remembered how all the parts fit together. What if there are cobwebs? I teased.

Despite my adventures with men over the last few years – I have forgotten what it feels like to be desired. Truly desired. Wanted. I fear of late, and especially since the Filmbuff incident, I have felt more like “an object with which to pass the time”.

I still don’t recall off the top what it feels like to be deeply cherished, or valued. But Friday night was a searing reminder of what it felt like to be wanted as a woman by a man who acts like a man. It was like inhaling the scent of snow when I’ve been in the desert for so long.

There is something about the Portland dating pool that I have discussed at length with many of my single friends. Statistically, Portland women are very independent. Simultaneously, Portland men are notoriously passive.

There are a couple of jokes about Alaskan dating and women.
“Alaska’s a place where the odds are good, but the goods are odd.”
And the other is, “Alaska is a place where the men are men and so are the women.”

The majority of women in Alaska are very independent, they simply must be it’s not really an option to be otherwise. So the men there, I believe are accustomed to women taking care of themselves and being somewhat challenging to keep up with. And as far as I could tell – the men actually loved that!

That does not feel like the case in Portland.

Conversely, I admit that a good portion of the time I find I am a runner, and I am just now starting to wonder if it isn’t because I have adopted that foolish and fear filled customary response because I have been saturated by the current dating standards here. I was not a runner in Alaska, “So you think you might like me? Beat me at a fishing tournament/fencing/hiking/climbing etc. If you can beat me –I’ll go to coffee with you.”

Do I run because that is what I have learned from my environment? Or do I run because, as BossMama would say, I am afraid of getting my heart broken again? Do I run because I have often been the one to make the approach and they run away from me and when I’m on the opposite side of the approach I have lost my perspective? It could be all of them.

However, I am now beginning to think I have unwittingly become a product of my environment. A pool of passive men has made for a self-conscious concern about my level of independence and my value as a woman who can run circles around most guys. I find fault in it now – where years ago I had pride. I have loneliness now, where before I had no concern about whether or not I would be alone – but rather confidence that I would be with none other than my equal. This sudden loss of confidence also leads me to believe that I am capable of losing my own power and that fear lights a fire under me like nothing else – and yes, then I run like hell.

I am sick to death of being at clubs/events/gatherings where men don’t look me in the eye. I am tired of hearing them whine about how miserable their lives are, how sad their choices, how painful their art and how empty their life because girls don’t want them.

My date Friday was from New York, he is not saturated by this way of thinking yet. When he looked at me – really looked at me –and I could tell in that instant he wanted me like a man and I had only enough time to inhale with surprise before he kissed me like a man should kiss a woman.

Suddenly, I remembered. Like lightning streaking across a monsoon sky and thunder waking the earth – AH! Oh Yes! That is what it’s like to be with a man who has the balls to make a move, to claim my lips, to risk it all. His hands on either side of my face, his body crushed against me.

We came up for air and I met his gaze. “Are you okay?” He wondered.

Smiling, I replied, “fabulous.” And truly meant it.

Whether I ever see him again or not – he gave me something very special. The memory of feeling like a woman. Now that the memory is at the front of my brain, brought up from the dregs of living in a passive dating community – I know now, I won’t be able to settle for anything less ever again.