Working out last night with Nick was AWESOME! Seriously, folks, I generally don’t get excited about exercise. Just ask Jordy, I wussy out about everything.
Last night’s training was quick, and not easy but definitely doable. There’s a difference. I was making as many jokes as I could, since that’s pretty much how I deal with awkwardness. I windged… a lot.
“I might need to up my calories a little. I don’t think I’m eating enough.” I said.
“We might need to up your calories because the starting count is just a guideline and you’re a little taller than most women so we can test it out and see how you feel and where you get your results, but we probably don’t want to shift it more than a two hundred at a time.”
“Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Don’t I get to factor in at least 500 PER BREAST? I mean. As soon as I start losing weight I’m gonna lose boobs. Don’t we get to compensate with more to spare my rack?”
Nick was not at all persuaded by my plea to save the mass of my tatas. But I suppose in the name of overall better physical fitness and health – I can live with my girls shrinking – just a little bit.
The beauty of working with Nick so far, is that he has singlehandedly put one of my biggest fears to rest. My fear of being judged for putting on extra weight. The fear of being judged by athletes and found pathetically lacking and unworthy of rehabilitation.
I have no idea if this is a common fear or not for most people. Ridiculously the amount of work doesn’t scare me. I’m mildly daunted by the shift in diet and the work involved to maintain it, but even though I am mildly daunted by it – hands down, my biggest anxiety is judgment.
Judgment from other people at the gym who would look down on me. Judgments from more conditioned or athletic people I can’t keep up with in my current state of being unhealthy. Judgment from people with flat bellies or toned arms.
Even saying it loud is funny, because I so rarely care about the judgments of strangers. So it’s really not their judgment about me that I should be concerned with but my own judgment about myself that I project onto them.
There’s a lot worth blogging on the topic of body image and why we have the hang-ups that we do. But for the moment I am processing why I feel so safe with Nick and Leslie who were both at the gym last night.
They know this is tough for me and they are making it as easy as possible to let go of my anxiety and embrace the concept that I can have my health and body back. There are no judgments from them, in fact they are nothing but encouraging, cheerful and understanding.
It doesn’t seem like I did much last night, but I did in fact struggle with some of the exercises. Mostly though – I wrestled with my pride, and that’s a far stronger opponent than I was expecting.
When I got home last night, I was exhausted and still needed to meet my protein count for the day. So I dragged ass to the kitchen where I only had the energy to pull out the cottage cheese container and scoop a cup into a bowl then put the container away.
Or so I thought.
When I got up this morning to make a cup of tea, I opened the tea cabinet and found the nearly full container of cottage cheese, where I had evidently stored it last night after my workout – three cupboards away from the refrigerator.
I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t think I worked out hard enough to turn stupid – but apparently, I must have been in some form of dissociative shock. Could it be that my brain is in disbelief about what I am trying to do to my body?
It’s highly probable. I wonder if Nick has any ideas for that.
4 Comments(+Add)
Eh, being beat will make you say and do silly things. The last time I swore around my mum was at the finish line of the StP back in ‘05. I was so addled that my normal parental filter totally dropped.
Glad to hear you’re enjoying it. One of the beautiful things about getting in better shape is that it makes getting into new activities a lot easier. That way you don’t have to get stuck doing one thing for the rest of your life. It was a lot easier to get into cycling after I had been climbing for years. And easier to get into running after I had been biking for years.
I absolutely HATE that feeling, that sense that you’re being judged for how you look. The few times I’ve been to a gym I was overwhelmed by that feeling. And I remember once, taking a walk at age 24 or so, I actually crossed the street to avoid passing some adorable, skinny teenage girls on the sidewalk because I was sure they would be whispering about the ugly pudgy girl in their midst. And normally I couldn’t care less what people think of me.
I really really envy you, Athena, and I wish you the best of luck working with Nick and kicking ass! Congrats!
And don’t worry about the cottage cheese. Like Jordan said, everyone does strange, nonsensical things when they’re tired. I read about someone who made themselves a catfood sandwich!
Nelli
Well, for what it’s worth, I always like to see new people at the gym regardless of size… I’ve never met any folks who seemed to be judgemental there. Most people who work out regularly understand the monumental mental battle that must be waged and are supportive and proud of anyone who can consistently show up (positive reinforcement is the only way it works!). I always wish I was witty enough or in a decent enough mood to say something encouraging to newbies. So many people come in once or twice, try to pretend like they have somehow received osmosis to figure out how to use the machines, struggle, strain something or just don’t have any fun/ see any results… And you never see them again.
If people are glaring at you, it may just be someone like me who is in such a psycho-bad mood I’m incapable of speech till after I exercise
Can’t wait to hit the gym with ya!
Perhaps your subconscious is trying to tell you that it doesn’t like cottage cheese?
Just a theory
As for the rest…go you! I’m planning to get back into the bellydancing this coming weekend and I have to admit that I’ve been dieting, hoping to lose a few pounds before I went…silly, as I know nobody in class will judge me, but it doesn’t make me any less self-conscious.